Hold on tight, It's going to be a bumpy ride.

If I get tired my emotions get steep. If I am feeling well and happy my emotions get steep.
Sometimes I just feel "normal" (which is how I know there really is such a thing) and that is nice.
But I can feel tired and too high, immensely happy and tragically sad at the same time. I am certain everyone can feel these things, but I am also certain that I feel them too intensely.
Last night we watched a new show "Good Omens" (or something like that) and I enjoyed it. But then later I find my mind taking me places that I am not sure are safe. Conspiracies, messages, signs, symbols, omens...
and I cry as I realize just how delicately balanced upon the threshold of "crazy" I really am.
The crying helps release some sort of toxins as I once again diligently strive to stay "sane."

and big sigh...
What am I?
I am intelligent yet delicately balanced.
My daughter says that fragile things are more valuable and they become more valuable with time because not as many survive. She tells me this so that I know it is okay that I am fragile, she still loves me and values me.
And that is so very nice to remember right now.
So I am fragile
and yet incredibly tough...
or is it determined?
or tenacious?
Whatever.
I just needed to release and confess my balance with insanity that is kind of getting to me right now
because I am still stabilizing and I wonder how long it will take and I wonder if I ever really will be "stable" again and maybe I even wonder if I ever really was... But the insanity of me is definitely more intense and the adjustment and learning to accept it as part of me is difficult. Also, what lays before me? What is going to happen to me? How will I handle the tragedies that are sure to come?
I am sacred.
Today I wonder if we once again need to up the meds? A thing I always hate since there is greater risk of negative side effects and I hate that I need them anyway... I want to be okay with out them. Yet I am so immensely grateful for modern medicine and that we have them at all. I can't even begin to imagine where I would be without them.
At points in my life I used to cry every time I saw a dead animal on the road. And this was in my adult life. A phase that I am fairly certain I went through more than once and that lasted much longer than you would think.
another big sigh.
I am like a baby sometimes
and that is one of the things brain injury does to people; makes us much more infantile and childlike.

So Good night -no, day-, sleep tight. -No -wake up and hold on tight.
the end.
and blogging still helps.
aaahhhh, my new drug of choice
Good Day friends.

Nailed it Cont...

...Sometimes, as a nail I won't hold, and I refuse to be part of the project the hammer is trying to beat me into.
...And sometimes I am also a hammer and I need to be. Hitting the target for an intended purpose that is not entirely my own.
So Hammer or Nail
I hope whichever I am when I am, I am working with the Carpenter of Higher Purpose.

Nailed It

“I’d rather be a hammer than a nail” say Simon and Garfunkel.
And I wonder, “what would I rather be?”
A hammer is a tool that is used to drive the nail. Without the hammer the nail is pretty useless however it’s job as a hammer is to beat the nail down. It has to drive the nail so hard that it will penetrate and hold durable pieces of a planned whole together. The hammer has an obligation to drive hard but not too hard and it needs to drive at precisely the right angle or it will destroy the nail rendering it useless. But once the hammer has driven the nails it is no longer useful. Also, as a tool, it is only useful if it is being used by someone else to do something that it will only be part of for a short time.
The nail simply has to hold things together and yet it cannot do that and is basically useless without taking the very hard and repetitive beatings from the hammer. The hammer that is doing someone else’s bidding. But once the nail is driven, granted it is driven straight and it didn’t cave and bend incorrectly under the pressure, then it has a job to do for the remainder of the existence of the structure it is holding. But the nail is usually not alone in its job, it works together with a team to hold.
So I wonder, would I rather be a hammer than a nail?
And I think no, I am not so good at driving hard and I’m not too good at being a tool.
So maybe I am a nail, and all I really need to do is hold it together and stay straight in spite of all the  unconscionable tools beating me down.