Trust

This is still nagging me.
I wrote an email and haven't sent it. I started a blog entry, a few times and have not published.
One of those blog entries got surprisingly angry very fast as I faced the emotions I am trying to not feel.
Here is what is bothering me. I sent my letter of appeal. I opted for trusting the patient advocate or at least being very nice in my approach despite my frustration and realization that she is not really representing me at all. My attempt was also meant to ease some of the burden of my poor stressed accident attorney who does not like knowing that Dr. Cherri-Dr. P will not go to bat for me. He knows (accident attorney) that my pushing to be heard and for actual representation in their bogus investigation will not help with that, so in effort and attempt to correct some I opted for nice and trusting.
Plus I'd rather be nice, so I took that approach.
To which my patient advocate replied with; "What that means is that, unfortunately, we will not be meeting again until the end of May. However, the good news is that with that being the case, I will be able to be present for the appeals committee meeting. I truly do wish you all the best and will be in touch after our May appeals committee meeting."
And this bugs the hell out me... There is that anger coming out again. I'll try to keep it in check as I explain:
1st: she did not even read or have the mysterious and unnamed "medical director" read my side of the story that I told her was important to include in the investigation. I had even asked her to stop the investigation from proceeding unless and/or until that was included when I realized that the investigation was not what I thought, was not going to benefit me, and she did not seem to understand what my concerns really were. That entire document, which was my side of the story, what my concerns were and what I was asking them for, was disregarded and not included in the investigation; when that is what the investigation was supposed to be about.
2nd: After receiving the letter about the investigation and seeing that this was obviously the case when I tried to talk with her about it, she inadvertently revealed the gravity of the mistakes and/or more ways they had screwed up. Realizing there is so much more going on then I know and that I don't really understand this whole process I asked if I could speak with her in person to discuss what I was not comfortable discussing on the phone or through email. I hoped she could help me sort out what needed to be said and what didn't to help them see that I am not the enemy they seem to have me made out to be. She would not talk to me in person. She would not return phone calls anymore.
For these reasons I just don't understand why she thinks I would be pleased that she "will be able to present to the appeals committee." She is obviously not presenting me or my interests. And if she is supposed to be my advocate why is she saying "I truly do wish you all the best and will be in touch after our May appeals committee meeting, " as if the outcome has already been determined and she will continue in her determination to avoid a real conversation about this.
I feel she is being smug and arrogant. I feel she is belittling me in thinking I am stupid enough to believe she is actually representing me in anyway. I feel angry at this whole bullshit operation and my anger is rising to the surface again. And I am not just angry at them but I am also angry and annoyed with myself as I am behaving like someone who has been groomed, withholding information and trying to protect the person who has and continues to cause harm. I am slightly angry no-one there seems to see that and they continue to push for a full blown attack that would require me going full out loco on them... I don't want that.
I have chosen to trust people again and again. To give them the benefit of the doubt because I understand that trust is a choice and people are more likely to live up to our expectations, so not trusting them does not really benefit anyone. But maybe I am working with an entirely different caliber of people, and maybe they pride themselves in making fools of those who give them the benefit of the doubt.
But who then, is the real fool? The one who chooses to give the benefit of the doubt and trusts or the one who will try to fool the person who gives them the benefit of the doubt?
I have given you that power, trusting you, knowing you have made mistakes but believing we can all move past that and work together for the common good.  You will use it against me and mock me for it? Who is the fool?
I am, because I keep trying? Maybe.
And I do wonder if he has used his hypnotic voice and Jedi mind tricks to manipulate this person, my advocate, as well?... ever higher red flags fly
why
nice guy
If I am wrong in my interpretation then clarify. Talk to me. I am still willing to trust but I am not nearly as ignorant or foolish as you think.
Too much power have I?
little green Jedi?
(and that is my final thought to lighten the mood, because though I can be heavy, though I can go deep, I am not nearly so scary was one might think)

A New Job

I'm tired
my head gets so tired
lower cognitive stamina
that's what I call it.
It's even worse now
it seems.
but maybe not,
that was the theme I really wanted to talk about
November 12.
so it is a heartbreak
added on
every time I get tired like this
-most days and days on the new job-
it's a pain that reminds me
-and this is where I guess I get to decide for myself what to believe-
of the exquisite pain
of caring
of loving
of connecting
and of loss
all part of life
so I feel humble and I feel at peace as I breath in
and savor my experiences
with salty tears
choosing to believe in the good
as I acknowledge and then let go of my anger
and hurt
...saudade

The Power of Suggestion; a therapist's greatest weapon

He was afraid of me.
That much I knew. It is another common theme with me. One that I don't fully understand, I just know that I often make people uncomfortable with my ways of thinking and looking at the world. I think it is also because I call people out.
Now I don't remember exactly how the conversation went I just knew part of why, maybe mainly why, he was getting rid of me was because he was afraid of me.
I said something about people being afraid of me.
He tried to give me that therapist reassurance as he straight faced, looked me in the eyes and said, "I am not scared of you."
but was it the therapist?
or a man who was afraid he'd been caught. -trying to bluff his way out, trying to stare down and control what he was absolutely most afraid of
I called him out with the raising of the eyebrow, "really," and the look
"why are you a stalker?" he says with a bit too much enthusiasm to his tone.
He is hopeful
...I am not sure what his cryptic suggestion is. I am not sure what his inflection means.
Is he hoping I will find him that way. Reconnect by finding his contact info on my own?
Or
Epiphany
A way out? his safety net in the power of suggestion. A reason to play with, manipulate, and deny symptoms that will definitely work in his favor. The emails, proper proof of a manic mind, can now be used in his favor with just a bit of twisting.
He is in control again.

I have been feeling the anger part of this coming up in me more as the good he did fades, the way I hoped it would not, but the way I knew it likely would because it was too soon and bad timing, I needed to root deeply his conditioning, but instead his desires (whatever they are) got rooted in the turn of events.
And I find myself wondering if, in the beginning of therapy, I had been able to get away to a place where I could be alone, to heal alone -like the lady he told me about who had a place she was able to escape to near a lake- if he would offered to do home visits? How would that have changed things?
I failed too many of his tests?
...and I am angry in my stages of grief and I am angry about the manipulation, the abuse of the perpetuation,
wondering when it really started