Comedy of errors or sad reality?

I'm in a much better place and I think still improving but it is difficult still. I will be honest (because I am, painfully so. Not brutally honest, but painfully honest because brutal, to me, requires some intention to cause pain and I am not brutal, just sometimes honest to a fault which can cause pain. And I have digressed in a direction I wish to explore more as honesty is such double edged sword and a value people so often claim but rarely live in reality to the extent that they claim. It is such a tricky balance and people will sell out there honesty so quickly in order to protect some other value or their pride and ego. We all do it. I remember in high school my vegan friend saying, "we are all hypocrites, it's just that some of us are trying a little harder not to be." and I find myself wondering where the balance needs to lie with honest? Because when it comes down to it can we be honest if we don't know the truth? And maybe we choose ignorance intentionally to avoid being put in a position where honesty has to be a sacrifice we don't want to make....
Here in lies a problem altogether with me: I can go too deep too fast ...and sometimes I get lost.
It is a very natural thing for me, to go deep and I do at times enjoy it. I especially enjoy when I find someone who can keep up. But it can be dangerous and it can be very difficult to navigate and stay safely balanced.)
...So back to "I will be honest" I am still in a vulnerable place and because I am well seasoned and experienced and because I am intelligent and I can hold my head up high even when my head is weighted heavy with insecurities people don't realize how fragile I really am. I don't always realize it because I am not always that way "my personality is still changing too much" was another point that was ignored, overlooked by the professional.
I can be fine and great one minute then falling apart the next. I am mostly fine and I know how to manage the falling apart but it is difficult and it wears on me. so why am I here today, what is the point of this rambling?
I am shy about saying it because I don't want to be arrogant, "I need some someone who can keep up with me" I tell her.
The concussion doctor says something to the effect that head injury is healed so now it is mental illness primary. I don't really like that. I don't like it because what is the truth with head injury? Do they heal or do they not? They say when you have sustained a brain bleed like I had when I was a kid that part will never heal, will not regenerate and you have permanent brain damage, but now she is saying it is healed? So that confuses me. And then there is "mental illness" I absolutely hate the term and the connotation. I hate so much about that, but I especially hate the stigma. I think we are all mentally ill but I get the stigma. I hate that I am supposed to accept that I have both negative stigma's:  brain damage and mental illness. I do not want to accept that. I do not want to be a part of either especially since I have been rejected in that world too. So maybe then they are all wrong
...and when I came on here with such a clear vision of what I wanted to share it has turned into something entirely different... which means it is bothering me more that I care to admit. which in the end brings me to my point.
Scared
I am still very scared.
less
but still scared of what this all means for me. It is the problem, the PTSD, my fear of what head injury means for me. I have been so afraid of this. Of what it all means for me and my reality. What it means in terms of aging and quality of life. But fear just may be the problem, which is why I choose to face fears and now I'll let it go.
My life may end up being something very different
maybe I will eventually loose my ability to effectively manage and straddle both worlds
but maybe I won't
whatever it is or becomes it is my beautiful crazy
and it will be okay
"just let it be what it needs to be"

...I wish he could have heard me. I was doing so well before he broke me for reasons I don't understand -and then turned to his own self preservation at my expense.
Was I breaking him?
again. I am here when I want it to be gone but the psychology of it is fascinating and draws me back again and again
another reason I came on
I do not like that I know he messed with my head and not entirely unintentionally. I do not like that I am not sure what to do about that and if I have a moral obligation to blow the top off his covering up. I do not like the position I am in. That I now have to be the judge because I was a sacrificial lamb and not by choice.
And how frequently are sacrifices made to please the gods of capitalism, liability, sex, ego and pride? But this lamb is will not die, because I am not a god. I learned too much before being taken to the sacrificial alter and I did not agree to be the sacrificed redeemer. I am neither blasphemy nor submissive, so I cannot be a savior that is willing to sacrifice myself nor the lamb that will be led to the slaughter.
I am me
and I am a fighter not a flighter so naturally. That's the sense you get knocked into you when you broken but not ready to die.
...a tug on my bag and I turned to see a gun pointed right between my eyes. first I look to who's holding the gun then I check where my kids are. They are out of harms way. The perpetrator has fear. I negotiate. my money but not my bag, not my phone with my photos.
...I'm 22, home alone at night, someone is entering the alcove to my open bedroom window on the 1st floor of our apartment complex. No good intentions will lead a man there. Out of me comes a deep demon of a voice "what the hell are you doing" and before I am aware of what I am doing I'm out the back door chasing after the perpetrator.
...Again in my 20's the man in the car that stops when I give a sarcastic response to his jackass driving move. He's out of the car and threatening my husband, who did nothing, I'm out of the car and up in his face, standing my own ground because the fight he is picking is with me.
While I have calmed significantly, older and wiser [fortunately], I'm a fighter when I am pushed. and that was a buried part of me that came out in this break.
So it is hard to know when to fight and when to hold back. especially when I am straddling two (or more) worlds.
I'd rather be a lover.  Make love, not war. and maybe that is the real reason sex has been so much better.
Money and sex
Is that really what it is all about?
True to what I started I'll publish because it's what came out... but I'll probably be back to edit this one later.

tired brain

I keep thinking I'm done and moved on only to find something nagging again.
The thing is I know he messed with my mind
and it was not entirely unintentional
and so many things
like never being told who his superiors are to file a complaint with,
this whole "investigation" without representation
are just so wrong
and this is supposed to be the safe place

..."we just need to find the right fit, the right person for you" says my concussion doctor.
no.
I am not going there again.
There is no "right fit" and "right person"
I'm not opening myself up to that again.

Jim Kwik

My sister sent me a link to this man's story. His name is Jim Kwik and I loved his story.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=6jbpn7Xb7pE&app=desktop

I was not as young and I did not have such extreme problems with learning as a youth from my brain injury but I understand the feelings of inadequacy and not measuring up. I understand and relate to being a product of your condition -only my condition was not understood to be a broken brain; from it actually being physically broken, mine was "why are you broken" "what is wrong with you," ignorantly viewed more as character flaws, when they were not. I wonder if this Jim ever felt that way. It is just now, in my reprocessing with the PTSD from the mTBI (concussion), that I am finally able to understand and say with surety that it was not my character that was or is broken, it is my brain. [I suppose that may be what I am actually trying to stand up for in my quest to resolve what I feel so determined to resolve]
I love the story of motivation and determination that leads to an even more brokenness. It is tragic and heartbreaking but it is reality and I that is why I love it. He paints the reality the pitfalls of with belief  "if you just believe and work hard." Alone that belief is not sufficient or healthy when you have broken brain. When you are intelligent and have other strengths it is hard for people to know the reality of the struggle as something physical. It is not due to a lake of belief or determination it is actually due to a physical problem.
I love that he reframes his thinking. He acknowledges his weaknesses and decides he needs to adjust his goals. He basically realizes that he needs to work smarter not harder and he decides that the first step to that is learning how to work smarter. I also love the superhero analogy and how he realizes he still has powers he can tap into despite his brokenness, he just needs to learn a new or different how.

TBI is difficult.
You become a different version of yourself and you have to figure what that means, and out how to become a new you you can love and be happy with, how to accept your weaknesses and how to live a happy productive life without that part of you that you once had. It is a physical disability, only people can't see it and it is not one you are really able to talk about. You will be stigmatized and discriminated against if you do and you do not have the same protection as someone with a very visible obvious disability. You will hear things like "you are high functioning" which is fine and true but still stings a little as you can't be sure what is being implied or where the comment is really coming from.
It is a disability that is hidden but that you can't always hide and yet you will work to. It makes no sense and we have these tragic ironies and hypocrisies to handle on top of the problem itself. We are very often very much alone.
So I am loving hearing and seeing more success stories.
I also love this video from Jim Kwik not just for the content but because in it, when he is talking, I can see and hear the subtleties that I recognize are actually coming from his broken brain. I can related to those and I love it because I know he is authentic, he is real, and he actually, really does relate. I love his imperfections in this one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tCWngax6WE