Psychology is bullshit

I think that the profession of psychology is total bullshit. They decide what you are and then manipulate how you behave to fit whatever diagnosis or prognosis most benefits them.
Then they teach you to be independent or dependent depending on what they want the outcome to be. I bet most people going to psychologists actually have a better perception of reality than the therapists.
Okay, that is a bit of an angry, jaded exaggeration.
But I am starting to really understand why my friend does not want to go because she is afraid of "something like that happening." To trust, be betrayed or manipulated and then discarded like trash and told treatment is complete. That is such bullshit.
"You truly are the worthless trash you questioned you were coming in. We can confirm that for you, solidify it into a solid belief. Yep, you are not worth our time but we will still charge you for it." what a great note to end on. And all your efforts to understand your own mood stability, to clarify, set the record straight and to have your questions about your mental state answered are going to be warped into whatever egotistical power play they want to use to get you to go away. But you better believe they will not negotiate. Why would they? You are merely a liability for asking and must be looking to do as much harm as they have. Or you must just be looking for a lawsuit because nobody in the real world actually cares and the professional and personal worlds only cross when someone is looking to make money, right? It's such bullshit.
"do no ...more... harm [then they can]"
Yep, I'd rather be my kind of crazy.

Opioids?

It was a good reset and I am still feeling strength from it.
But last night -hard time sleeping.
Because I didn't feel like I needed it
Oh no
...and new thoughts
not that this is bad, but remember
I am a bit fragile in my stability.
Opioids-hydrocodone
These things kill pain. They make you feel good, that is why people get addicted. Oh yeah... hmm could this be the real reason why I felt "normal" and so happy about it?
Should I just enjoy that and go with it?
Since it was about 1:00 am and I had not overly slept that day after really not sleeping before getting up at 5 am for surgery... although I had a great nap going under...
-I do, at times, think it would be nice to just not even worry about such things.
But alas for me that is not always the wise option and that is okay. I am okay with thinking it through and planning ahead to keep me "stable." I find my mind to be a fascinating place at times and this is one of those. I am fascinating to study when I am "crazy" and to truly figure it out sometimes I need to test and research but now does not seem like a good time to test with a new drug.
So opioids: what might be the potential risks there for me?
My husband was surprised they weren't knocking me out. Of course I was only taking one. My pain has been tiny, I am more trying to "stay ahead of the pain" and control swelling.
But this new drug is definitely not knocking me out and... crap, this is odd, that sex drive is feeling... stronger...
So I took to my phone for a moment, to research a bit, to make sure I am staying in a reasonably safe place.
okay phone "can opioids trigger mania?" I am pretty sure, as fun as that can be, I do not want that while I am trying to heal an ankle that requires 6 weeks of no weight bearing. And it is 6 weeks, believe me, I tried to get the doctor to negotiate on that, but, nope six weeks is the minimum on this one to be sure it heals correctly and if I am going to go through the hassle I want it to heal correctly. so mania... probably not a good time to test that.
What does my search turn up? ncbi.nln.nih.gov "Mood-elevating effects of opioid analgesics in patients with bipolar disorder"
disclaimer: I do not claim bipolar. I struggle with mood stability but this could be more head injury related than anything else. I still don't recall if I have formally been diagnosed. I refuse those (formal diagnosis's). I do not feel they are helpful when there is so much stigma attached and I do not want to be defined by that label. Also I have (or at least believe I have) been able to figure out and monitor myself reasonably well to stay level. At times I go on medication but I do not always need medication. However, that is the label that turns up again and again when I search for answers and solutions to help me stay safely and reasonably grounded. (it is times like this that I feel very cheated by the neuropsychiatrist that dropped me and now refuses to talk to me, but I digress) but in this information I find that opioids have been found to be helpful in "refractory depression" -refractory; that is a new word, it just means stubborn. Which I do not have, but the fact that it helps in with depression is interesting. I also find that "analgesic opioids" have been found to trigger mania in one study. There is not a ton of information immediately so it is not likely a well studied or common knowledge "problem." But it is enough for me to rethink the use of the opioids. The pleasant mood is nice but at 3:45 am I decided on ibuprofen and melatonin... I need to keep a decent sleep cycle and I suppose if there is a risk of mania I will opt out for now. I've got things to do that would be best to stay level through.
It is fascinating though that our pain receiving part of the brain does not distinguish between physical and psychological pain. It is no wonder that yesterday I felt so much more free of that burden... maybe I will end up carefully using these opioids but not to kill the ankle pain and more research is needed before I make that decision. (to be clear, I am referring to the potential of carefully using a low dose to pull through the heartache and psychological pain of my recent loss. I am not implying anything illegal, irresponsible or suicidal)

Pleasantries and Surgeries

YAY! Ankle surgery done and I'm going to be okay.
I am seriously so happy right now that my surgeon is now my new boyfriend.
I am totally kidding about the boyfriend (he's not, it's only funny in light of recent events -that weren't actually even like that)
But I am seriously happy because surgery went well and I came out of anesthesia just fine.
No weird freaky emotions that I was fearing. Nothing like coming out of anesthesia 12 years ago when I had my wisdom teeth removed.
It means I am not so broken after all. I am really truly going to be just fine.
Going in I was sooo scared. Toughing it out and pleasantry with the nurse that set the iv and all that but nervous.
Then the operation nurse came in... and, oh no, not another bizarre emotional coincidence. It was my brother's ex-mother-in-law. Not someone I feel too fondly of for a few good reasons. And I had to trust her?  I have not seen her for a couple of years and we don't know each other in person all that well so she either didn't recognize me or acted as though she did not recognize me but I definitely recognized her. A conundrum. What to do? Request a new nurse? Not really anytime. So when she came back I reminded her of who I was. She was kind and polite, she even gave me a hug. That was good and she introduced me as the aunty to her grand babies, great direction to take it. It made me feel a little better about it. She wheeled me to the operating room. "I thought I was supposed to be asleep before I came into this scary place" I nervously joked with my doctor.
...But still those histories are hard to erase so quickly and with the nerves already wearing thin and so much to take in in this new room with the familiar and unfamiliar faces I started feeling really funny before they started to drug me. I had to remind myself to breath which really made me cry and it started to feel like a melt down. Fortunately the surgeon and the anesthesiologist and both nurses were so kind and quick to get me to sleep. The anesthesiologist was so sweet and he laughed with me but reassured me when it turned to tears, still carefully holding onto some of my humor as he put me out. Even the nurses/tech, including bro's ex-ma-in-law were sweet as they busily prepped.
The next thing I knew I was waking up and feeling very normal. A little funny but normal and that made me so happy that the new nurses thought I was happy delirious. I was a little but really much more coherent than any of them understood. I'm sure they thought it was strange that I was so happy about my blood pressure and heart rate 114/69 with 54 bpm before and 109/sixty-something with bpm ranging from 45-55 after. That is more like it. That is what my heart likes to be at. I was so relieved to feel so level and happy that it was quite a pleasant experience.
Yay. I needed that.
Surgery was fun and relaxing compared to the crazy that has been going on with me these past few months.
Who'd have thought?
I am confident I can handle this now. I have some faith restored in the medical industry again and I have some faith restored in myself again.