Where to Begin... Again and Again

Published elsewhere on 10/10/18

So I find myself going in some silly circles or something like that... actually it is more like starting down paths then shying away and ducking into the trees or an ally way to avoid seeing the people I have been walking with turn and walk away. ...And yet I am aware that for every person that has turned [their] back there is (likely), at least, one other that figured I had; and they gave up waiting for me as I hid in the trees or ally way fearful that their rest or deviation meant they were turning their back. It's silly, I know, but it is.

... there is so much more going into our actions then we ever fully know. It is so easy to make assumptions about other peoples actions but those assumptions are based on our own interpretations which our based on our experiences, not theirs. And it goes both ways.

Sometimes being aware can be difficult. I suppose that is why they say "ignorance is bliss."

Yet, while I could philosophically ramble on for ever -I'm sure-, I would like this rambling to help me work through, what seems to be, some mental blocks so I can get back on the track I feel so compelled to be on.

Writing often helps. and strangely enough, publishing these pointless ramblings also tends to help me. I think it is something like talking through your feelings, only I am talking them through with myself in a place that feels safe, people can take or leave it without me seeing their reactions and I can speak with that hope of actually hitting a cord with someone; reaching another person that relates and/or feels helped, inspired or enlightened in someway. The internet is interesting in that way, it connects us while taking us away from people. I think that is why we need to be especially careful with it... but that is a rambling for someone else or some other time.

Today I'd like to focus my work-through-it rambles on why it is so hard to start something that has so much potential, is needed, has been well received in conversations and could really help so many people? Why is it so difficult to get myself organized and my thoughts put down on paper? again, there are so many reasons for that... but one thing I feel that continues to trip me up is not my lack of confidence in myself but others lack of confidence in me. As I try to write, put things together, move forward, etc. I think of how I can prove what I am doing how I can help those people see that it is not me they need to have confidence in but the idea that they had very warmly and excitedly received. I think how I can change what I need to change about the idea, myself or whatever it is to improve both myself and the project I am passionate about. Because I value other people I have to acknowledge that there is a reason for their lack of confidence in me but the irony of this is this often leads me to hide in those trees or duck in those ally ways as I subconsciously try to protect the scars I feel are not fully healed ...and thus justify their lack of confidence further perpetuating my short comings. And I get stuck.

Partly because I don't actually know -and I know that I don't really know- where I, or the idea's of the project, went wrong. Then communication looks something like this: I am afraid to ask and in the event that I do people are often afraid to answer honestly and they either say "it's not you, it's me" or in one such event "it's all you." Obviously neither are entirely true, neither are very helpful from a professional stand point, and, I suppose, I am still short on professionalism because I am not entirely sure how to handle these situations and I do take it somewhat personally, even when I think I don't.

If I take me and my shortcomings out of the equation, or if I were my friend and not myself I might point out that we live in a culture where you are largely expected to be "self-made." Also people have been conditioned to stick with what is safe and avoid taking risks. I might also point out that people are so busy and they have so much going on, [which is part of/contributors to problems I am trying to solve] so I need to keep going and know that it is not personal. I might also point out to my friend self that some of the exact problems I am facing are part of why there is such a need for what I am trying to do.

So maybe it is okay to step back. to take a new approach and to start again knowing that this may be the time I get it right or it may not. but what matters most is that I know, in myself, what I am trying to do is true to what I value.

And I value people, whether or not I feel they value me, because, at least from my stuck, I have learned that my feelings may just be my perception of the truth

​...and even if it is someone else's truth (that I am of little value), that matters very little because, quite frankly, they are wrong. :)

Fires and flowers.

This is hard... I forgot to leave myself the 20% reserve today... I forgot or just had too much to do.

Over all it was an amazing day. I got to teach my daughters friend how to snowboard. I got to comfort her through a tear-filled melt down when she got frustrated with how hard it was and was putting too much pressure on herself to live up to her dad's percieved expectations. Then I even had the privilege of opening the door for a bonding moment with her dad by having a talk with him about what were realistic expectations in this new learning experience. Her dad was great. I was pleased with the outcome and that I had the privilege of being involved.

Then on my way out I somehow got talking with a coworker who opened up about some similar issues. She was intrigued by how I had embraced my insanity. I admitted to her that up until very recently I thought I didn't really have a laugh. My laugh had been missing for so long I thought I genuinely didn't have one. Not that I never laughed but it was just a silent inside kind of laugh that was easily missed. We talked about anxiety and we bonded and though I had plenty to get home for it was a very good place to be and it felt good to have that bonding moment and once again be thanked for my insight. There was plenty more in the day, but those were major highlights.

And then to top it all off we got to go to my parents for dinner...

But I had spent over 80% of my energy... well over,

and I started to unravel a bit, far too early into the evening and I found myself awkwardly fighting back tears for no apparent reason at all while passively participating in pleasantries with my husband and my parents.

How do I phase out what is reminding me to take care of myself? It is so hard sometimes. And it hurts. I am sure I will cycle through this a few times before I make it out okay

but tonight I am wondering why I reacted so extremely to the breakup my therapist said I should have seen coming. Why do I feel he was careless with me? I am so sad that I have to let him go and that I am no longer allowed to utilize him when I know he has answers and knowledge I am missing. When I know he can help if he would. I am so sad that he will not be my... anything.

I feel sorry for "overreacting" or what ever I did wrong to mess this up.

I am sure it is for the best if he says so and truly I don't want to be a complication or liability to him... ...but maybe I do. and maybe he is wrong.

It just doesn't feel fair.

and I don't feel up to grieving this lose right now.

But as my thoughts try to turn to my old ways of tough love and negative self take for being so pathetic, I am now consciously making the decision "ta not ta;" not to put myself down for feeling down and once again confused by this. So I will keep my pathetic self pity here in print and embrace that for what it is too... a sadness and grieving that I have every right to feel and even to express. I won't wallow in it and I'll get some sleep and get it turned around again, but I believe it is okay to feel the sad and to allow myself to hurt. And I think it is okay for me to be patient with myself. It is not easy to separate the fires... and it hurts, which is not terribly surprising since fire is hot and separating them will inevitably lead to a few burn scars.

"Your mind is a garden

Where you decide which ideas to grow

and which thoughts to weed out."

What to do when your therapist dumps you

This a snippet from my report of my own self discovery, I wrote it as an outward reflection in hopes of someday helping others if they ever find themselves in a similar situation.

I read a few articles that were extremely helpful for me, but there were very few, so I decided to publish this here as a way to pay it forward, to connect with my values today, and to honor both myself and my therapist I'd like to pass this info on sooner rather that later ...because I know how painful it can be and if I can help to relieve any suffering I am happy to. I'd like no one to go through these feelings alone, because you are not alone and you are loved more than you know.

6:56am
If your therapist dumps you and you liked them at all, even the smallest at all, then you need to realize that means they are at least good at wearing their mirrored therapist mask and it was you that you were seeing and liking. I hope that you can feel empowered by that. Now no sugar coating but; Yep, your screwed up, and yes, you have things to work on, But you have also seen a version of you that you can connect with, that you liked and that you can even love.

You liked you, not just your therapist.

You are worth liking and even loving. By accepting that part of you and all parts of you and then by choosing to be teachable, you can reach the best version of you; that version of you that you have hope of obtaining (I know you have that hope, and even the ability, or you would not have gone to therapy in the first place -and you would not be reading this at all).

No matter what reason he/she abandoned, rejected, or dumbed you it doesn’t really matter and no matter what he/she tells you, you will never be satisfied with their answer if you did not feel prepared for it, or if it caught you off guard.

But you can find comfort in knowing and trusting -if you liked them at all, even in the tiniest way- that:

1. you do like/love yourself and you can, - your even allowed to,

2. the therapist is good at their job even if they make mistakes, and

3. it proves two things;

a. you are worth loving and

b. your therapist has more faith in you than you know and they know you will be okay.

So choose to be okay and find a new therapist going in with an open heart and an open mind, agreeing to be teachable and knowing that you can change and you are on the right track, or that you can succeed, become a better you, be happy, manage your symptoms or whatever it is you are looking to get out of therapy. You can do it and you are worth it.