Psychological abuse

I am not sleeping again
This feels like psychological abuse now
It is and has been a straight up abuse of power
I am not sure what to do
It is a massive coverup, I can say that.
One thing people don't seem to understand about me, the thing that scares people is that I am what you see. I am not hiding anything.
I try to respect peoples space and use sense and wisdom in what I share and when but if you ask, I will tell you honestly what happened, what I think, and/or how I feel about something.
I will tell you honestly who I am
If I have a problem I will talk with the person I have a problem with.
I will only say behind your back what I am willing to say to your face
and if I say these are my intentions then those are my intentions.
Please don't force my hand with your assumptions.
I intend to stick up for myself in this situation and I am not going to back down because they are lying about me and because they are gaslighting
That only screams to me that there is a more significant reason to keep going, to stand up and speak out.

Exploring the Rocks Outside of the Box

I had a conversation with my 15 year old daughter sometime last year. It was one of those conversations you have with your kids thinking you are helping them, then they actually end up helping you.
We were talking about fitting in and the box analogy came into play. I was probably being philosophical as we analyzed the box and discussed what it meant to be in it and out of it and if and when our positions in relation to the box were appropriate. I most likely relayed some of my own experiences to try and help her not feel so alone. I really don't remember the conversation exactly but I do remember her words exactly when she matter of factly but also lovingly explained "Mom, the box can't handle you. It's not that you can't handle the box, you can, but the box can't handle you"
We laughed and laughed about that one.
Maybe I am claustrophobic.
But I am okay with that.
I love my kids profound wisdom.
Probably in January, when I was really struggling to handle the complex emotional situation I was in, my 13 year old son kind of out the blue says "the nice thing about hitting rock bottom, is that you now have a solid foundation to build on."
What amazing kids I have.
Shall I build a box on my solid rock foundation?
nah
I'll build something else.
...But not until I have sufficiently explored and understand this rocky terrain.
Life is an adventure and we never really know where it will lead us but it is an adventure to be explored, loved and enjoyed.


{and I am so glad my brain is settling and my death demons have departed}