The more I learn about head injuries (TBI- traumatic brain injury) the more I wonder if part of the counter-transference problem is that I am a physical manifestation of his profession and maybe even of his own work. (and a not so bad looking one either) Everything he has dedicated so much of his life to I embody in a real life form. I have developed my own ways to adapt and the more effective ones, I am sure, have mirrored his studies while other adaptations may make him question. But I am a manifestation of longterm outcomes of TBI.
I don't think he wanted to see that in me.
When he said something to the effect of "being willing to take that on" I wonder if that was a negative stigma and prejudice he, himself held, jaded by his education and career. He has to maintain superiority and elevated status?
I felt it was a major slight to me. Am I Michael Bluth's Mr. F?
Maybe.
But I am not less.
I am significant and I could be of value in the industry and to the facility that has so callously turned their back on me.
I know this field. I know TBI. I handled it alone and built a box to keep it contained that, though incredibly flawed, fooled even the best.
Sunday, March 3, 2019
Dear Exiling Therapist,
Why did you choose to go this route with me.
To banish me from the hope of recovery
the hope of reconciling my split parts with an understanding of how TBI had effected those splits
To take away any hope of successful reconciliation with anyone
...successful communication
To devalue me so completely.
"you want something to cry about, I'll give you something to cry about"
Do you think I am a fraud in your industry?
Or are you all frauds in your industry?
Is the industry itself a fraud?
I suppose in a very sad way that can give me hope
but can it?...as I continue to fail in my attempts to prove
that I am worth investing in.
Will I ever be given the chance to prove myself or have I already proven myself to my fullest potential
and I need to resign myself to acceptance of this life the way it is and being what everyone else believes it should be.
To banish me from the hope of recovery
the hope of reconciling my split parts with an understanding of how TBI had effected those splits
To take away any hope of successful reconciliation with anyone
...successful communication
To devalue me so completely.
"you want something to cry about, I'll give you something to cry about"
Do you think I am a fraud in your industry?
Or are you all frauds in your industry?
Is the industry itself a fraud?
I suppose in a very sad way that can give me hope
but can it?...as I continue to fail in my attempts to prove
that I am worth investing in.
Will I ever be given the chance to prove myself or have I already proven myself to my fullest potential
and I need to resign myself to acceptance of this life the way it is and being what everyone else believes it should be.
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