lost

...and the pain just won't die
Solving actually seems to help some
So many songs with so much pain. at least I know I am not alone. this is "normal"
heartbreak is "normal" (I try not to listen too much)
this http://www.continuingedcourses.net/active/courses/course065.php
tells me... the perfect storm. It's not real...
much more tells me of the stigma attached.
there is no hope.
I am truly not worth it
I am still holding on... or at least I wish to. though I am realizing I have to let go. so very completely
It is what I knew I wasn't ready for
it is what I knew I couldn't do just then, not like that, not when I was so completely broken. standing literally on broken parts, held up by adrenaline and endorphins that had been over worked for the last year. a last surge to keep me up when the rug was being pulled
How did he miss it?
or did it just not matter?
Solving- I also figured out that APA is pretty bullshit and it is I that would hold the power to cause the problem. which I would not do... or maybe I would... I didn't let it go that way... but now, with nothing I am being treated as though that is exactly what I did or am supposed to do.
of course that makes me suspicious and I wonder if I then need to.
a moral obligation? stuff I have already hit on
but the only thing that is really real is the pain of loss.
I don't belong anywhere.
no matter how or what I try it just never seems to be the right place for me...
I was supposed to get answers there. I had found my place and I felt I was on the right track. but the rug, pulled
with words that said too much and nothing at all. and it was my fault.. because I spoke? tried to speak up, but with words that were taboo, that were "forbidden" though I didn't know.
Now one therapist insists it meant nothing the other thinks it meant everything.
and I have to keep repeating the story to figure out if I am "stable" and even "employable"
of course I am... but my emotions are not helping to sell me right now. they leak out when they are not supposed to. sometimes even when I believe that I am fine.
I'm mostly fine... but mostly, with my resume, just isn't good enough
What do I want to be when... I am grown up.
Lost
I want to be lost
... no that is just what I am
forever lost in the world that I don't belong in.

grooming psychologists

And what about the grooming psychologist?
When he realizes it is not going as planned all he has to do is claim "counter-transference" and he is off scotch free. Easy peasy
They are dropped, with their scarlet letter of L and he's the hero for not succumbing and moves on easy while the groomed is left with an altered mind.
The grooming was working, just has he knew it would, but she was too instinctively in tune due to so many things he forgot to learn in his effort to maintain a safe grooming distance, that she so naturally -without even realizing- was putting into place the safeguards against it. Determined to be what she needed to so desperately believe she was; something of value.
But she had been manipulated to believe he cares too deeply and she is a liability. She has been manipulated (when she is vulnerable) to believe that her uniqueness has never really been appreciated by others, that she isolates herself and that she is in fact the one looking for something sexual.
..now sex with her husband is sex with the other man... and the man who makes it good, she'll never have.
What have you done!!!...what have I become...

He's fine and nothing worse for the wear.
but what will become of her, the forbidden?