12 again

At age 12 when I returned home form the hospital after the sledding accident that damaged my brain, my parents thought it would be a good idea and good use of my time, since I could not return to school for sometime still (2 weeks or more, I don't remember), to write thank you cards to all the people who had given me gifts while I was in the hospital.
I cried when I remembered this.
I could not even do my homework or remember what the teacher who had come to my house had told me. I remember being back at school later and my mom being angry with the school for my failing grades. I remember the teacher asking me about all the work and assignments she had left with me and had taken the time to explain. I remember her disappointed look as I couldn't really remember it or what she had left me with.
I felt responsible for my moms anger.
I felt responsible for my teachers disappointment and the schools troubles.
I felt bad about the thank you cards I had not written...by myself with no help.
I felt bad for my family since they were the ones who remembered all the traumatic stuff but I got all the gifts.
They were glad that I was fine. That I had "fully" recovered. It was miraculous, I am sure.
But it was not.
I was not okay. I was not healed. My brain and who I was, was not the same and that didn't matter.
I learned that my needs were secondary. That my healing was less important. I learned that I needed to protect others from my injuries.

I vaguely remember the follow up with the neurologist. I vaguely remember him saying something about therapies, I was looking forward to it. But they never happened, because I was "fine."
It has been a cycle that has continued throughout my life. "your needs are more important than mine, so I will be fine for you, try to help and try not to be a burden, then maybe you will value me, maybe then I really will be okay."
It doesn't work.
It has broken me again and again.
It is time to change that I think.
...and yet the place that was supposed to be able to see that, to define it, to help me see it for what it is, made the same decision about me, even when I was trying so hard to explain that I needed their help. I'm that good at playing the part now I suppose. It breaks my heart again and again.
And currently I am tired. I did not leave 20% and this processing that feels important and needed is maybe not going to work as well or read as well as I'd like but I'll leave it, because it is my reality and part of this sometimes very slow process.

Giving up on marriage

It it is strange the places this recent situation has taken me. In my marriage especially. It is peculiar how the therapy that turned so very messy [with the therapist I fell madly in love with either through deep meaningful connection or manipulation] started with a book of Tao. It is especially peculiar because I was certain for a time that the reason for transference and timing definitely had a lot to do with my marriage. It may have.
But as I am very open and honest about how I am feeling and what I am thinking it has led to some incredibly bizarre, never thought possible conversations with my husband and I will tell you what, not many men (or women) would handle some of the things I say so well. But he knew I was hurting and he knew that my head was a mess and likely through no fault of my own. And even crazier the "new me" or rediscovered me was helping to facilitate these hard conversations in an effective way. The me that was uncovered and partially created by the therapist who then just about destroyed me, intentionally or not we may never know.
 But ultimately we both gave up on our marriage and somehow that has helped us get along in a really pleasant and productive way. Somehow we have been able to talk about moving on while savoring what we have and realizing that we can just let it be what is for now and enjoy it for what is. And we have enjoyed it.*  
It seems that letting go of the commitment to our marriage has helped us be more committed to a healthy relationship and each others needs. It has been so helpful and what I have needed through this healing process. I am so glad that I have a good friend in my life who can love me, forgive me, support me, and listen when it is what I really need, even when it is hard to listen to. I often need to talk to help me process and what I need to process in not always so simple, easy to talk about or easy to hear.  He has been helpful in listening to what I need to process or need him to understand. We have not always had that but I am grateful for it now.
It is such a strange world I am living in right now.

*that is an sexual innuendo, I rarely, actually use those or mean those though it has come to my attention that I may make them very unintentionally or naively with out realizing it... until it is too late -sigh. But this one is intentional and about as far as I ever care to discuss this very personal topic on such platforms and most other places too but it does seem like it might be a bit important to this story.