Pandora's broken box

6:19
I took 1mg of Clonazepam at 8:30 pm last night and still couldn't get to sleep until about 10:00. I slept good until around 12-12:30 am and woke up to myself talking it through with Kelby. I am proud of myself this time. I really am the professional on the other side of this profession. So knowing that and now better understanding, remembering and having learned from the formally trained professionals (this time it was the lovely lady doctor I went to today) I am now new me and old me and prepared me. All very well educated in the taking care of me. I take another Clonazepam (.5mg) and 1 and 1/2 of  3mg melatonin. It still takes me a little bit to fall asleep but now my thoughts are carefree and seemingly meaningless. Now and again some part of this experience pops into my head but it is weakened in its power and I easily shift back to my thoughts of sugar plum children dancing or whatever it was only this time I slept all the way until 6:00 am.
Progress
I do feel a little funny now. But it's not anything I haven't faced before. It may be a longer more intense race but I am still a runner and I've been a runner and training for a very long time.
I've got this.
Though I do wonder if this most recent head injury has contributed. For that it would be nice to have the professional yang to my yin. But oh well I guess. I'll have to find someone to help me figure out and fix that box when we return home.
Postpone the crash: :) yay. I am kind excited about this new adventure.

Let's just call it what it is

When you haven't slept for more than 2-4 hours at a time for 3 weeks you know your body is not going to hold up for ever. You know their is going to be a crash. When your heart has literally and physically hurt for 3 weeks you start to feel yourself wearing thin. Now I am getting sick, trying to keep a cold at bay, Airborne, Ricola, water, tea, whatever you can to try and stay well. But still your heart is broken and your brain is in hyperdrive trying to process what happened and any new bit of information just starts a new cycle of analyzing.
He said not to try and solve this, not to over think things. That is very good advice, and I keep trying to refocus but then something else pops uninvited into my head. This is so very complicated and I can see why he would not want to have anything to do with me. It is a recurring theme confirming my knowledge that I am too much. I complicate things too much and I am hard to be around.
I am returning to old thinking patterns... It is why I couldn't loose him but I have lost him and it is because of all of those things. Can't blame him, can't blame any of them.
But it sucks and its shit
I went to the doctor today because I need to make sure my heart really is ok, and I need to be well for our trip but mostly because I need to sleep. As I went through the process of explaining everything (and I will be grossly oversimplifying this story) I started to realize another reality I had packed away,  but taking a new form, a much better form... No wait? Is this better or is this terrifying?
The omens
the symbolism
the way everything connected
dreams
"have you had hallucinations?" asks the nurse... "maybe," is all I can say as I think of the feelings and sensations, the thousands of lives lived in days.
The book that is somehow writing itself
the laughing
the energy
no need for food
the spirit animals
the connections...

"I just worry about what you will be like two weeks from now," says my husband about 2 weeks ago.
The doctor asks if I have ever been diagnosed with bipolar... I honestly don't know
I kind avoid labels and diagnosis. Is this something I need to face? I suppose there are some similarities.

Thank God I have worked so hard to figure myself out and to solve me because -congratulations self You just walked yourself through- (by definition) a manic episode... and what problem have I been trying to solve this whole time, deep down inside knowing I only have myself to rely on?
The Crash
I want to prevent the crash, especially since I have never experienced anything quite like this before. My heart has never hurt for three weeks straight... except for maybe when my brother died. But especially I have never felt so much pain, peace, and excitement all a the same time or anything like this before... at least not that I can remember.
"I have complete faith in you," he says
I hope his faith holds as I keep turning logs away from the fire that so badly desires continued life.
I hope the doctors recommendations for sleep works
but I am still not asleep
and I am so tired
this is very confusing