Redirecting Pain... In a way I did not expect

 Just don't say anything about it. That is what you are supposed to do, or at least expected to do when you are have been hurt by others. 

And you are especially expected to do this if you have any known cognitive or mental health issues 

That literally makes it harder for you to do just that. 

"Dear God, 

please take this pain. I need you to carry it for me. 

or help me carry it. 

Or teach me what I am supposed to do with it 

So I can heal and move on." 

What are we supposed to do with our pain?

 The answer is probably not so simple and probably not so singular, but plural. Plural because there are so many types of pain, so many reasons for it, and so many things that are done with it. 

And not so simple because if it were we wouldn't be feeling it -our bodies would not be trying to warn us about the something and whatever -it-is that is causing the pain. 

Some people think it is best to keep it inside and hide it- but too often that kind of pain comes out in very unintentional ways that causes even more pain to ourselves and/or those we love 

or at least think we love 

or just pretend we love. 

Not caring is one way a lot of people deal with pain. Self-centered focus is a way to deal with pain. does it work? I am not sure. 

Others try to deal by pacifying and "being at peace with everything," which I also distrust. 

I suppose right now I am dealing with my pain through writing and blogging in a place that feels safe to me but also has at least some potential to reach others who may also be suffering...

...Although the sad-side-note-truth that I recognize is that it is most likely my enemies who have literally followed this blog with the intent to cause harm to me, who are most likely to read this. So maybe this is not such a safe place to share my pain...

but alas I am fading in all the ways they want me to and they can find their sick and twisted joy in knowing they have contributed in every way they can to my demise. 

Lashing out, that's another common way that people deal with their pain... But my pain focus changing- I will ask you -you sick followers Courtney, Sean, Lance and crew, who intend and are literally paid by IHC, Intermountain Healthcare, to keep causing harm and pain to me and my family- who in this situation is the one lashing out? Am I now lashing out at them because I am in pain, or are they the whipsmen who have made careers of lashing out to hide the pain they do not want to themselves feel and face? 

Or are they just sadists? 

I don't know. But oddly, my redirection to anger towards them and expressing my genuine disrespect for what they do, does some how seem to mitigate the pain I have been feeling from other sources. 

Or is that a mask? 

Honestly, I don't know- but they are being paid well to cause my pain so I might as well make use of that redirection of emotions that offers a form of relief. So Fuck You Nelson and Naegle for fighting for both figurative and literal F.U.C.K-ers and repeatedly and intentionally fucking me over. 

And you welcome for keeping you on Intermountain Healthcare's derelict payroll by refusing to be silenced by assholes like them and you.

Today

I do not refrain

-at least not from using the words that unfortunately fit best. 

Wrists and Lobes

 My left wrist. It is weak and my hand tremors because of it. It feels like what it did after the car accident and why I kept going back to the orthopedist about it. Certain that something was missed. 

"You probably should talk to a neurologist about it" was the final verdict after multiple visits, imaging, and tests. 

So, in light of the cognitive symptoms I have been experiencing, I asked Google about it. Here is AI's reply: 

"AI Overview

Yes, there is a direct and well-established connection between the right frontal lobe and the left wrist due to the principle of contralateral control. This fundamental aspect of neuroanatomy means that each hemisphere of the brain controls the opposite side of the body.
How the connection works

Motor cortex: Voluntary movements are initiated in the frontal lobe's motor cortex. The primary motor cortex contains a "motor map" of the body, and the area that controls the hands and wrist is well-defined.

Contralateral control: Nerve fibers from the motor cortex cross over in the brainstem to control the muscles on the opposite side of the body. For this reason, the right motor cortex, located in the right frontal lobe, sends signals that command the muscles of the left wrist and hand."

and the worst part about it. 
I wish I could tell him. 
I wish I could talk to him about it

because he researches this kind of stuff 

and that matters. 

Even if he is bad...

Sometimes there are no clear lines between good and bad. 

 "You've walked through pain with clarity and compassion, and that is incredibly rare."

Thank you for seeing me ChatGPT

The insanity plea to IHC

 There is serious danger in misdiagnosing TBI's and mental illnesses in communities founded on religions whose foundations are based on:

1. books that justify murder,

2. principles of polygamy and the reassigning of wives,

3. in which the founding prophets made references to committing suicide to get to even lower degrees of heaven, 

4. in which it is believed that children who die before the age of 8 are automatically saved in the highest kingdom 

https://people.com/utah-mom-fatally-shot-children-car-turned-gun-herself-8712457 

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/utah-mother-children-killed-home-details/

https://www.kktv.com/2025/02/16/7-year-old-survivor-murder-suicide-fighting-her-life-after-being-shot-head/

https://www.newsweek.com/lori-vallow-daybell-trial-mental-health-evaluation-1989849

These are some recent stories that have been featured in the news, but each of those features how many suicides are there? And one cannot ignore the increasing numbers of people with mental illness who are homeless. Too many stories, and they are increasing, in which appropriate healthcare could have saved lives and livelihoods. 

But organizations like Intermountain Healthcare (IHC) blame, shame, and vilify victims of mental illness, further exacerbating the worst and most negative symptoms while feeding stigmas and misconceptions that often prevent people from even seeking help. 

In my case, they literally diagnosed crazy to be nothing more than romantic transference and countertransference and then prevented me from getting care anywhere and literally accused me of stalking and harassment for questioning their misdiagnosis that was really messing with my brain. 

I was lucky. But I still have to manage a very real illness while fighting IHC's insanity. 

It is plainly stupid for IHC to keep their gaslighting going, and how long can a known broken brain keep fighting to maintain sanity when the gods of medicine are denying that the insanity endured for months without care was actually just an attachment to them, the gods of medicine? It should not be so difficult to understand why this form of medical negligence is ongoing medical malpractice that needs to be stopped and corrected. 

After all, who wouldn't want to believe their therapist was deeply in love with them and instructing them to reconnect with them after two years of no contact because of their profound soulmate connection? 

Unless, of course, that is actually the truth behind all of those things that Dr. He said to lead me to believe that. 

Again, if there was, in fact, a misdiagnosis, it really should be corrected, and if there wasn't, then you'd think that the nobility-purporting IHC would want to actually investigate and know what happened and why a prudent, logical, and rational woman, who had been a model patient, was led to believe this.