How do you sleep at night?

 They know it. And they are likely following me here to see if they are succeeding in waiting me out. Waiting to see if I can follow through with this very difficult task of filing a claim against them.

They know as I review all the bullshit they put me through it will trigger and exhaust. 

They know it will cause a physical burden to my body and that in reality I am not likely physically capable of fighting this fight long enough to outlast them and all of their resources 

and their fully functional brains....

And I know it to 

and it's disgusting. 

So I will not succumb until my body fails me and I can no longer stand up and take their beatings every time I try to speak out and seek the resolution the medical industry needs and that other patients deserve as well....

SO if my vulnerabilities amuse you and feed your egos, fine. Be fed knowing that you will eventually succeed in burning me down and burning me out 

But someday it will all catch up to you and you will be held accountable for it. 

You make me sick.

literally. 

But, I now understand that that is literally what you want. 

So I'll keep fighting 

to end your sick and twisted games. 

And Ms. Attorney, You are such a liar! Straight up lies. And so brazen and confident in your presenting  them that even I questioned myself... 

But, I have so much of it in writing 

so there is that. 

You're Somebody Else

 People tend to talk about what is going on in their lives, what they are going or currently working on and towards, their interests etc.

These are things my kids talk about. 

That is what I talk about too.

To be clear, I am careful not to share too much with my kids about all this. They know what I am doing and they wholeheartedly support it. In fact my son has more then once stood up for me to people questioning my decision to pursue a legal medical malpractice claim. He even told his grandpa that I have to do this. Sometimes my kids surprise me. 

So yesterday I shared with my son one of the poems I found on this here blog as I was searching for dates and details to include in my claim against IHC.  It was one I figured my kids might appreciate and my son did. 

Then he shared with me and experience he had recently had. He told me he is doing well and has really moved past all of that trauma so it took him by surprise when he was very affected by a song that came on at his work. He said it took right back to all of that and it made him really emotional. He shared the song with me: Flora Cash: You're Somebody Else

It made me cry as I felt what he and my daughter had to endure and how profoundly the whole mess had affected him. 

It made me realize just how much my son really loved and appreciated me and how much he still does. I was a really good mom before all of this and he lost that for a long time, almost lost it completely and he knows it; whether we talk about it or not, he knows it. 

It is no wonder he made the intimidating Karma call to the discriminating professor that triggered a med-mal-related post traumatic stress response in me... It's no surprise a kid who had been through what my son had would react to that situation in such away. 

Whether we talk about it or not, my kids know because they had to live through it too.  

So occasionally we talk about it and that seems to work best for all of us.

Talk is cheap. Avoidance is not.

Screams that go unheard

 As I continue to write my medical malpractice claim sometimes my insides start screaming, "ARE YOU INSANE?!?! HOW IN THE HELL COULD YOU IGNORE, DISMISS, DISREGARD AND THEN DENY THE MANIA I WAS EXPERIENCING UNDER YOUR CARE???" 

It is screaming so loud inside of me that it slips out of my now very stable and very level self as I audibly question the emails in a normal curious tone. 

It is mind boggling. And disturbing. 

Embarrassing.

EMBARRASSING

and not just for me. But (and really even more so) for Dr. He and IHC.  Really? "No evidence of mania, except for in the emails?" That evidence alone being over-the-top and so extreme that

It makes my insides scream 

at them and everyone who has played a part in the misdiagnosing and dismissing of dangerous conditions

of me and the reckless disregard for me 

and the disregard for every other person in the world around me 

because that is one of the very scary realities of mania when one does not know or believe they have it. 

The PANEL, from DOPL. I won't but I want to disclose their names now too because of what they have dismissed and condoned. It is very, very scary to society to know that these types of acts and omissions are so common and or excused that they would so easily dismiss, condone, and turn a blind eye. 

It is so so so so disturbing the more you dig into this medical malpractice world. It is very very scary how IHC has used laws to create and hide, beyond what is discoverable, entire fraudulent departments and practices that literally oppress, abuse, and distress faithful and trusting patients who have been the "victims" of mistakes made by their false gods with PhD's. 

My plight, I am finding, is likely going to have to rise to the level of challenging the Unconstitutionality of what is really going on in the medical malpractice world, laws, and the Courts who too frequently solely protect the attorneys of the providers- To be clear, it is NOT the medical providers being protected, it is their attorneys' paycheck that is exclusively and shamelessly protected. 

It benefits neither providers nor patients for medical and psychological providers to 1st misdiagnose, then deny misdiagnosis and then to arrogantly/stubbornly/ ignorantly/ shamelessly/maliciously/or-whatever-it-is-ly continue down a path with a patent that deprives them of dignity and their rights and refuses to address the providers obligations to improve the practices of medical and psychological care for others and society in general -and according to the Medical Practice Act and their Associations' codes of conduct and ethics. 

My insides still demand, "What the hell is wrong with all of you? I was such a mess and you claim I 'just didn't like what you decided.'"

Do I really have to explain that you do not actually get to decide if a person is sick, injured, or ill? NOPE you really don't. Your job is to diagnose, not to decide, but to recognize and then treat. Really, it's true, your decision does not change the condition of the patient. Your treatment does. So if your decision contradicts reality and you refuse to change your mind then you are a threat to your profession and your patients. 

Screaming. My insides are still screaming. 

My condition was so so -resisting-the-urge-to-curse- bad that it is egregious just how vehemently they deny it and their responsibilities associated. 

I meant for this to be a very short post- a quick shout-out- to validate and relieve the screaming inside of me and reasons for it... but my insides are still screaming... screaming to be let out and heard knowing the danger I was and will always be in without proper and adequate care and the danger others are in because our medical institutions are not what they claim to be.

...maybe...Screaming to be free of the danger I am in when and/if others likewise "decide" that I, and my kind, are not worth treating, listening to etc, again. 

Their decision was to invalidate me, degrade me, dismiss me and continue with practices and policies that perpetuate harm; and thus they are correct, I did not like their decision. Do you? 

The screams of bad dreams that no one can hear when you are in desperate need of help... 

The screams then turns into pleadings, because they hold all the power and their decisions had such a significant impact on me and their decisions will continue to have significant impacts on the lives, health, safety and livelihood of others and society in general.  

Neutralize, compartmentalize, rinse and repeat.

To be honest, I don't hate what I am doing right now, which is writing the very lengthy claim of medical malpractice against IHC. Even though often what I am learning is disturbing and shocking, it has been and continues to be very interesting and fascinating learning process. I am learning a ton about the law and the realities about how our legal and justice systems work. In addition to that I have gained a lifetime of experience and side information as well. So I do not regret my decision and I am happy with my progress. In fact I finding increasing enjoyment of the process and it is proving to be a very worthwhile investment in myself.  

However, it has not been an easy journey to get this far and, albeit less in frequency and intensity,  I still find myself repeating my sustaining and self-fulfilling mantra of "That which we persist in doing becomes easier. Not that the task itself has changed but that our ability to do it has increased." I am glad this mantra is working. And so well as each step in this heavy laden and often stressful process is transforming into such a welcomed pride invoking accomplishment as I choose to appreciate and celebrate them instead of allowing them to weigh me down. 

Of course I still have to be careful and realistic, and I am which is why I came here for a bit of reprieve from my current task... 

The task you ask?  Well, I am intentionally trying to recall all of those confusing and conflicting memories that were on vivid detail repeat in my brain for so long. So long that I feared they would never go away and I'd be torture for eternity by them if I did not solve precisely what they were, what they meant, and what to do about them... For sooo long...

For so long I worked to solve them so I could escape them. For so long I was torn apart a thousand times a day by them. For so long those memories and words of Dr. He plagued and haunted me. ... and indirectly my family. 

And the harder I tried to solve the more they tore me down and every relationship for or with me.  

What a strange irony that now I am struggling to bring those memories back to my conscious recollection; asking my brain to remember them as precisely as they used to replay in me. 

Mania and the after effects. TBI as well. Such interesting and fascinating phenomena; especially from the 1st person perspective. 

The preciseness and heightened senses that keep things so exact in your brain while compromising your ability to act precisely and logically at all. So fascinating and I don't hate that I have experienced it. I just hate how you are treated for it. But now I am rambling, a bit tangential, and maybe avoiding a bit...

Because really, there is a cautious part of me that does not want to bring those memories back at all. Let them stay buried? Nope. I won't. They will be exposed because this is how I keep moving forward and how I keep moving on. Dig them out and keep digging until every root of the problem is out of the ground; too dried and sunbaked to ever grow again so matter the ground it is sown in. 

 I do find it quite helpful that I have so much written down because then I don't have to rely on memory and the emotions that digging can bring to the surface. Reading and then re-writing is much easier to neutralize and compartmentalize.