Keeping Busy

 I have been keeping busy by substitute teaching. I'm currently in the midst of a 3-4 week longterm sub job teaching a group of "challenging" 6th graders. It has been challenging, but teaching always is. 

Even when it is not. 

One of the reasons I accepted this job was to test my limits. I want to see if my now-deficient-brain is capable of handling teaching full time. So far the answer is yes and no. It is possible that I technically could do it... but thus far, two weeks in, it is not getting easier as far as my body is concerned. It is getting harder to get up in the morning when I hoped the consistency would make it easier. By the second half of the day the kids are loosing their steam and focus. Which leads to much more noise and off task-ness. In addition to that my brain is becoming more fatigued. It makes it very difficult to remember things and to teach math, which is what this teacher has scheduled for the second half of the day. I also find myself taking things more personally. I try not to let that show, because logically I know, their rowdy kid ways have little to do with me, but I have observed this internal struggle a bit. 

... These are few things I have noticed. I still know what I am doing and am often able to get through to the kids but the depletion is real and if I am being fully honest I do not think my body would be happy with me if I had the additional stresses and time demands of teaching full time...

Which is sad, because, overall, I am a good teacher.

But could I even get a job if I wanted to with that black mark on my record now? The black mark of being criminally charged for my son trying to stand up for me when I was being poorly treated by a disability-discriminating professor?

It's a major stressor. And I have emails about it waiting to be read that are coming from people and institutions I already know I cannot trust. It's more than I want to put my body through right now and it is very unfair. Yet I have their 10 day deadline I am obligated to meet. How convenient for them that they get drag things out for so long, cause so much stress and then put rigid and rather quick deadlines on things. 

I don't have the energy or stamina to read them right now. I don't want to push my body chemistry again when I have so many challenging kids to take care of... so I am instead on here trying to blog it out in order build my courage and strength to faces these things I need to keep fighting. 

And why do I need to keep fighting? https://www.cbs58.com/news/10-year-old-utah-black-and-autistic-student-dies-by-suicide-weeks-after-scathing-doj-report-on-school-district

Bullying is a huge problem in Utah and this is exactly what has been happening with me; bullying. How can we expect kids to stop bullying when the adults in positions of power are bullying as much and as egregiously as they are and nobody that is supposed to does anything to stop it? 

When universities, professors, Office's of Equities, police, prosecuting attorneys/ our justice courts, and even Utah Attorney Generals are bullying and/or ignoring bullying, then how the hell can we expect our kids to stop bullying? 

When our medical providers and their institutions are bullying and ostracizing how can ever hope to end these issues?

It trickles down, all the way to kids. Suicidal thoughts are a symptom and sometimes they are a symptom of being ignored, disregarded, discriminated against, bullied, dismissed, and despised by those we are supposed to trust and those whose job it is to protect us and to educate. 

The story of the little girl breaks my heart on so many levels. 

He and Heh

 I am facilitating an Emotional Resilience group meeting coarse for the next few months. During this time we have action partners that we check in with during the week. The facilitator is involved the same way as the rest of the group. Because we had an unbalanced mix of men and women we decided to make our action partners a trio instead of doubles. Initially the group wanted to switch partner-trios every week but after the first week they all wanted to stick with the same trio for longer. I am not surprised and was fine with the change. However we had to split the family dynamic of my group so we had to rearrange the groups... and I somehow landed in the group with the one person I absolutely did not want to be grouped with.

But it is only because his first name is the same as ex-neuropsych, Dr. He, and it is spelled the same. It seems so ridiculous that this would bother me and I think I am just being silly. It will be fine.

But I am pretty sure there is some PTS happening that may be Disordering me. He, in the group, started the text between me and the other lady. That's great, takes the pressure off of me. But Other Lady does not reciprocate the check in... She reports how she is doing but doesn't ask how we are doing.... It's silly and I know it, so I sit down to text, "and how are you doing with your goals this week He?" It makes me cry seeing "He" like this on my phone. Talking to He. 

I covered my bases by keeping it very impersonal by asking specifically about his goals, not about how he is doing or how his week is going. I feel like I have to direct the message at him to include him... But I can't do it. I can't send the message. So I delete his name and retype, intentionally misspelling it to the more commonly used and more benign form of the name. He with an h- Heh (ha). It's enough of a safeguard and I am then able to hit send. Can I keep this up? Is it okay to intentionally misspell his name to avoid that trigger? Should I tell He this? 

I don't know. But it kind of sucks just how much Dr. He, with the help of his Institution, screwed me up... 

I'm so much better and still improving but sometimes it is still too much... which is probably why I came here next. To process, publish, and move on again.