Feb 26, 2009
I feel like writing but I have nothing to say… It is days like this that suck. I don’t like how real and fake life is. My brother is gone and that bothers me. A LOT.
I don’t like the quiet. Sometimes I don’t feel real. My little brother---(edit cut)... He’s not OK… I’m not OK… Life is supposed to be a grand adventure but I don’t like it right now. I’m not sure what I am supposed to do anymore.
About 6 months prior:
I am half laughing as I tell the study doctor psychiatrist that I am pretty sure I am a vampire.
I am laughing because I know that I am supposed to know that I am not but part of me believes that I might be. Or at least that I relate… To a fictitious interpretation of a fictitious being. It’s funny really. And I have to laugh at how I float between realities never really part of any.
Today:
I am mostly sane, my head is still a bit jet lagged and I am certain that elevation is having more of an effect then I’d like but other then being a bit slow and forgetful I think I am mostly fine.
I listened to a discussion/interview on the radio (All things considered) about a musical called “Next to Normal.” They made the point that mental illness is a life long issue…
That is when I fully realized that this would be a life long thing.
At 19 when I first got myself into “mental trouble” I was absolutely determined to not need medication for the rest of my life. I was sure that I could beat this “depression.” I was absolutely determined to be fine, to “heal,” to get “over it.” I believed that I would be... with everything in me…and after all can’t we do anything if we put our minds to it? Isn’t the sky the limit? Can’t we be anything if we just believe?
These days I feel a bit angry that we were so puffed up with these lies as children. If there was anything I learned in school it was that I could be/do anything I put my mind to. I am angry because it is a lie that we were constantly being subjected to, this push the limits type of addictive thinking. And it continues, “You deserve it” and all that bull…
I am sad because I now have to realize and accept that this is my life and I will battle with mental illness for the rest of my life… I’d really rather not.
But then I am thankful for the people I know, and that I know so many good people with “mental illnesses.” And I am thankful that I was caught early.
I feel a sense of responsibility and a desire to help along with frustration with the current state of the field psychiatry and mental health. It is so confusing, taboo and shunned.
I feel overwhelmed when I try to think of how I can help or what I should do.
And though it is nice to feel much more stable, I will admit that at times I feel confused by my current lack of intensity .
But I am also happy that life has been so good to me.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
A day in paradise
We just got back from Hawaii. Huge steep mountains, beautiful waterfalls with delightful pools to play in, caves, the most beautiful blue ocean with all of its wonder and glory, jungles and all sorts of hidden treasures. Hawaii is definitely my idea of paradise (though it can be a bit crowded and unfriendly in some places).
At one point, after we had a few amazing days exploring, we were driving in the peaceful and pleasant early morning on the road back from Hana and a thought occurred to me. I was struck with the idea that, here, in paradise, maybe I would not need the medication crutch that I so despise. It was a blissful thought, yet as I remembered all that I have learned, know and have been through, I recognized the error in my idealization. And I realized the reality of what the trip would actually be like, had I not been on medication...
It would have been too much.
Paradise would have simply overwhelmed me and after experiencing euphoria, that may or may not have lasted longer then usual but likely would have been even more intense, I would have been a mess of emotions that would threaten my existence. I would have a type of anxiety and adrenaline that would compare to bungee jumping out of a hot air balloon but that would continue inside me well after a hot air balloon would have landed. It would continue until I broke.
So as much as I still dislike being somewhat dependant on medication I am very grateful that I could enjoy Hawaii with them.
And so this is the life that has chosen me and I suppose I will continue to work on accepting that...
At one point, after we had a few amazing days exploring, we were driving in the peaceful and pleasant early morning on the road back from Hana and a thought occurred to me. I was struck with the idea that, here, in paradise, maybe I would not need the medication crutch that I so despise. It was a blissful thought, yet as I remembered all that I have learned, know and have been through, I recognized the error in my idealization. And I realized the reality of what the trip would actually be like, had I not been on medication...
It would have been too much.
Paradise would have simply overwhelmed me and after experiencing euphoria, that may or may not have lasted longer then usual but likely would have been even more intense, I would have been a mess of emotions that would threaten my existence. I would have a type of anxiety and adrenaline that would compare to bungee jumping out of a hot air balloon but that would continue inside me well after a hot air balloon would have landed. It would continue until I broke.
So as much as I still dislike being somewhat dependant on medication I am very grateful that I could enjoy Hawaii with them.
And so this is the life that has chosen me and I suppose I will continue to work on accepting that...
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Talk is Cheap...assume little!
There is a saying: "It is better to let people think you are an ass then to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
But talking openly, even if it makes an ass of me, has saved my life and my sanity more then once. It has saved our marriage and I believe it could save many people from many atrocities.
This part of me is not "mental illness" this part of me, though it may be idealistic, is a valuable asset.
Yet, we live in a world where we are not always speaking the same language even when we are speaking the same language. However, I still feel it is rather presumptuous to simply assume things about others so I give them credit and have sufficient faith in them that I hope they would have in me and I open my mouth.
So here is some food for thought: when one re-considers the adage "it is better to let people think you are an ass then to open your mouth and remove all doubt," I hope people might stop to think who is really being the ass? The one speaking or the one assuming?
But talking openly, even if it makes an ass of me, has saved my life and my sanity more then once. It has saved our marriage and I believe it could save many people from many atrocities.
This part of me is not "mental illness" this part of me, though it may be idealistic, is a valuable asset.
Yet, we live in a world where we are not always speaking the same language even when we are speaking the same language. However, I still feel it is rather presumptuous to simply assume things about others so I give them credit and have sufficient faith in them that I hope they would have in me and I open my mouth.
So here is some food for thought: when one re-considers the adage "it is better to let people think you are an ass then to open your mouth and remove all doubt," I hope people might stop to think who is really being the ass? The one speaking or the one assuming?
Saving Lives
It's not enough to merely save people from death. We can save lives but if the quality of that life is not worth it to them then what is the point?
Before my brothers passing I had recently connected with two friends from high school, that are sisters, and had been two of those people that you just get along easily with, connect with, and will always cherish. After my brothers passing the younger of two tactfully asked "how."
As it turned out my gracious friends lost there dad about six years ago, he also "took his own life"... My friends shared with me about him. I am so appreciative of their compassion and willingness to share. He'd hit a point of complete madness. He was no longer himself or at least not the man that they all knew and loved. Why? He'd been OK for so long. He'd been an amazing dad, a kind and generous person. Brilliant even. but then it all started to fall apart and who knows if he got help in time. Who knows if he was even taking the "help" that he was being given. All the same he was going and then he was gone. They all tried to help him and at times even tried to save his life but those closest to him knew that it was not their life to save. They knew that merely keeping him alive was not saving him. They had already lost him... Where did he go?
Did he just give up on fighting? Had is adaptive practices been changed to the point of demise? Are mental disorders/illness's degenerative? Was it merely a matter of time? Obviously there is no sufficient nor satisfactory answer to these questions, especially to his family, he is gone.
I have another friend, with whom I was fortunate enough to work with this last year. Her father passed away a month before my brother. At one point, when I was struggling a bit at work, I asked her how she was doing and if she felt this way or that. She was compassionately willing to talk. Our brief conversation led her to tell me that it was actually not the first father she had lost (although I must tell you, as evidence of her compassion, it was not her loosing two fathers that brought up the subject but how she felt so bad for her mother because this was her second husband to loose).
As it turned out, her biological father committed suicide when she was very young. Her father was about the age of my brother. I was amazed and so impressed with my friend and her graciousness in coping and sharing. I asked her what he was like. She explained that he was in the military. He loved to work out He even loved life often. He was kind and loving and not the type of person you might expect this from, though he did struggle with depression from time to time.
I remember thinking how both of these men sounded similar to my brother. I have often thought that if he had only gotten married and had a family of his own this would not have happened. But after speaking with these two friends about their own fathers I have realized that it is not the case. Family does not cure some one of mental illness and it does not save one from this fate. Family can do a lot for a person including improving their quality of life but in they end that alone would not have saved my brother, no matter how much they may have loved each other. There is so much more to the story here.
One thing I would like to point out is that I don't believe that such interactions and the many other bizarre coincidences are coincidences at all. I am soooo thankful that wonderful people were so conveniently lined up for me! Thank you so much my friends for sharing and for wanting to help and make a difference in this crazy mixed up world we live in!
But I will also re-iterate: keeping some one breathing is not merely enough. We have a responsibility to each other to do more and be more. And yet likewise, when it is someones time to go, no matter how painful or hard it is to understand, then it is time to let them go and love them just as well.
Before my brothers passing I had recently connected with two friends from high school, that are sisters, and had been two of those people that you just get along easily with, connect with, and will always cherish. After my brothers passing the younger of two tactfully asked "how."
As it turned out my gracious friends lost there dad about six years ago, he also "took his own life"... My friends shared with me about him. I am so appreciative of their compassion and willingness to share. He'd hit a point of complete madness. He was no longer himself or at least not the man that they all knew and loved. Why? He'd been OK for so long. He'd been an amazing dad, a kind and generous person. Brilliant even. but then it all started to fall apart and who knows if he got help in time. Who knows if he was even taking the "help" that he was being given. All the same he was going and then he was gone. They all tried to help him and at times even tried to save his life but those closest to him knew that it was not their life to save. They knew that merely keeping him alive was not saving him. They had already lost him... Where did he go?
Did he just give up on fighting? Had is adaptive practices been changed to the point of demise? Are mental disorders/illness's degenerative? Was it merely a matter of time? Obviously there is no sufficient nor satisfactory answer to these questions, especially to his family, he is gone.
I have another friend, with whom I was fortunate enough to work with this last year. Her father passed away a month before my brother. At one point, when I was struggling a bit at work, I asked her how she was doing and if she felt this way or that. She was compassionately willing to talk. Our brief conversation led her to tell me that it was actually not the first father she had lost (although I must tell you, as evidence of her compassion, it was not her loosing two fathers that brought up the subject but how she felt so bad for her mother because this was her second husband to loose).
As it turned out, her biological father committed suicide when she was very young. Her father was about the age of my brother. I was amazed and so impressed with my friend and her graciousness in coping and sharing. I asked her what he was like. She explained that he was in the military. He loved to work out He even loved life often. He was kind and loving and not the type of person you might expect this from, though he did struggle with depression from time to time.
I remember thinking how both of these men sounded similar to my brother. I have often thought that if he had only gotten married and had a family of his own this would not have happened. But after speaking with these two friends about their own fathers I have realized that it is not the case. Family does not cure some one of mental illness and it does not save one from this fate. Family can do a lot for a person including improving their quality of life but in they end that alone would not have saved my brother, no matter how much they may have loved each other. There is so much more to the story here.
One thing I would like to point out is that I don't believe that such interactions and the many other bizarre coincidences are coincidences at all. I am soooo thankful that wonderful people were so conveniently lined up for me! Thank you so much my friends for sharing and for wanting to help and make a difference in this crazy mixed up world we live in!
But I will also re-iterate: keeping some one breathing is not merely enough. We have a responsibility to each other to do more and be more. And yet likewise, when it is someones time to go, no matter how painful or hard it is to understand, then it is time to let them go and love them just as well.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
update
So I suppose an update is in order as an increase back up to 10mgs seems to make all the difference in the world. Though I also wonder if the lovely female cycle also plays a role in some of my intensities. But I have been feeling quite a bit better and watched two thought provoking movies without becoming overly "disturbed," which always seems to be a good gauge.
Though even jumping a mere 5 mgs in the nortryptaline has caused a slight increase in the skin issues that really annoy me. I have determined it is worth the annoyance and I'll try what I can to fix that without going off of anything as it is apparent I still "need" it.
But again Life is very good and I love to feel level and "normal." However, I also think it still important, for me, to (at least at times) remember how it is to feel and be on the edge of sanity. It is nice to think about how far I have come and it is probably best to realize that it I will likely push the limits of reality again. But I will be prepared and hopefully this blog and my friends can once again keep me from going completely overt the edge or bring me back if I do.
Though even jumping a mere 5 mgs in the nortryptaline has caused a slight increase in the skin issues that really annoy me. I have determined it is worth the annoyance and I'll try what I can to fix that without going off of anything as it is apparent I still "need" it.
But again Life is very good and I love to feel level and "normal." However, I also think it still important, for me, to (at least at times) remember how it is to feel and be on the edge of sanity. It is nice to think about how far I have come and it is probably best to realize that it I will likely push the limits of reality again. But I will be prepared and hopefully this blog and my friends can once again keep me from going completely overt the edge or bring me back if I do.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Not today, not ever!
I don't feel much like writing lately. Don't feel much like talking to anyone, checking my e-mail, or writing to friends. I know that is not always a bad thing, and it is not such a bad thing for me to give the old computer a break (actually it's quite new). But lately I don't know that it is such a good thing.
I really don't feel like writing right now in fact, which is exactly why I decided to do it anyway.
Lately my fuse is shorter then I think it should be. I am obsessing a bit more and feel less inclined to be responsible... In fact the other day I realized that I am a bit impulsive. I thought I was "above" that because I am not impulsively doing off the wall horrible things... Just taking walks at odd hours in the night and angrily telling houses with there lights on to go to bed. Beating up a few trees and lurking in shadows. Plus I am not impulsive because I am not out whore'n it up or shooting up, I don't even want to do those types of things. And all of my impulsive purchases and self directed medication changes are carefully thought out usually with a grand plan and a final leap of faith. But never with out adequate obsessing!
And then there is the idea of right and wrong. Is there really such a thing. And maybe it is actually wrong for me to stick around (or at least more wrong). Maybe my kids really would be better off with an un-medicated mom who just goes with it...which usually means running away. Maybe it is better for some moms to abandon their kids over medication or alternatives... Whose to judge really?
So I am pretty sure that dropping down to 5mg's of the one medication is not so good for me. And I think that the other medications makes it so I just don't care as much that I am so darn ridiculous and fly off the handle-ish.
So friends beware, now is the time to stay away... (though I must admit that I still like for people to bounce their ideas off me...so maybe don't stay away)
I'll get it sorted out again and be back on top...back down...No... somewhere in the middle in no time...or some time... Either way, I can't wait to run away to the islands with mountains. Alas there is always something to hold on to.
I really don't feel like writing right now in fact, which is exactly why I decided to do it anyway.
Lately my fuse is shorter then I think it should be. I am obsessing a bit more and feel less inclined to be responsible... In fact the other day I realized that I am a bit impulsive. I thought I was "above" that because I am not impulsively doing off the wall horrible things... Just taking walks at odd hours in the night and angrily telling houses with there lights on to go to bed. Beating up a few trees and lurking in shadows. Plus I am not impulsive because I am not out whore'n it up or shooting up, I don't even want to do those types of things. And all of my impulsive purchases and self directed medication changes are carefully thought out usually with a grand plan and a final leap of faith. But never with out adequate obsessing!
And then there is the idea of right and wrong. Is there really such a thing. And maybe it is actually wrong for me to stick around (or at least more wrong). Maybe my kids really would be better off with an un-medicated mom who just goes with it...which usually means running away. Maybe it is better for some moms to abandon their kids over medication or alternatives... Whose to judge really?
So I am pretty sure that dropping down to 5mg's of the one medication is not so good for me. And I think that the other medications makes it so I just don't care as much that I am so darn ridiculous and fly off the handle-ish.
So friends beware, now is the time to stay away... (though I must admit that I still like for people to bounce their ideas off me...so maybe don't stay away)
I'll get it sorted out again and be back on top...back down...No... somewhere in the middle in no time...or some time... Either way, I can't wait to run away to the islands with mountains. Alas there is always something to hold on to.
Friday, July 3, 2009
I am what I am
I am what I am and what you see is what you get.
For real.
So a thought I leave with you: If I am not the person I want to be and am not capable of being that person, or have only been frustrated in my attempts to be that person then I am perfectly fine with calling it a mental illness and taking medication for it if it helps me be the person I want to be! (anyone who has ever had children and has failed to practice self restraint when it comes to "discipline" might want to consider this idea also... unless, of course, that is the type of person they want to be...in which case we have just opened a whole new can of worms haven't we my friend!)
This is why I am what I am and what you see is what you get!
p.s. I love you
For real.
So a thought I leave with you: If I am not the person I want to be and am not capable of being that person, or have only been frustrated in my attempts to be that person then I am perfectly fine with calling it a mental illness and taking medication for it if it helps me be the person I want to be! (anyone who has ever had children and has failed to practice self restraint when it comes to "discipline" might want to consider this idea also... unless, of course, that is the type of person they want to be...in which case we have just opened a whole new can of worms haven't we my friend!)
This is why I am what I am and what you see is what you get!
p.s. I love you
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