Noticing Change

So I remember when I first got put on anti-depressants (as they are most commonly called though I dare say they treat far more then what is typically thought of as depression) and how new and novel some of the changes I went through were. It's seems that my new medication is working efficiently and I'm starting to recognize some of the newness of "normalcy" and an extended levelness. My husband worries that it won't last. I'm not worried though, because, while to an outside perspective things may not seem very different, I can tell you that on the inside things are dramatically different. Yes, before I seemed to experience plenty of good days and level times but I have to admit that those periods were very short lived and still mixed at least daily with some sort of extreme or overly intense emotion. While that is not always a bad thing, it is helpful to realize that it is not only exhausting but also not possible to live with a kids-on-Christmas-morning type of emotional level/intensity/reaction every day. But currently I've noticed that things that typically would send me into and emotional or psychological extreme have not. They are just normal everyday experiences and that is refreshing.
I will give a few examples of this.
Last night we watched a movie with the kids and the introduction had a known visual and musical prelude that can evoke a powerful emotional response that we often associate with the magic and excitement of youth, possibilities and imagination. This is what the music is intended to do however for me, as an adult, it is a bit silly (and a bit much) that it would inevitably invoke a reaction so intense it bring me to tears and cause me to cross over into the "fairytale" part of my mind, once again believing, with all intent and purpose, that all things are possible if only we believe, that my kids will behave perfectly if I only smile, sing and keep my chin up like a fairytale princess. I 'd feel these things so intensely and clearly only to be frustrated and angered when it didn't happen that way. My patience snapping instantly and harshly as things did not magically conform to my fantasy desires. Then of course to be followed by the eminent disappointment with the harsh "realities" of life and my short comings.
Despite having been through this scenario many-a-time in my life, such a prelude or movie or whatever would still evoke such a reaction from me. But last night, I noticed the absence of such an extreme emotional response. For a moment I wondered if I missed the "magic." I didn't. It was still a powerful piece of music that reminded me of the magic of youth and I enjoyed it but it was not SOOO impacting.

- just now, as I am here, intently in my zone writing flowing and concentrated, my daughter starts repeatedly calling me from her room. Normally, in such a zone, I would snap angrily and be incredibly annoyed by the interruption to my thoughts and effort. This time I was still a bit annoyed but I was able to simply say "what," and effectively detract my attention to her just enough to answer her request.

I have made contact with old friends-it has been exciting even exhilarating - but I am not completely obsessed with them. I went to a party with my husbands extended family and I felt fine the whole time even when I did feel a little out of place. After we left my mind had enjoyed the night and that was that, I didn't have to rehash everything in my brain and make sure I said everything just so I didn't feel anxiety of this or that or question what I choose to bring, it was just a pleasant get together and that was it.

I have watched a few movies and not been totally disturbed by the deeper meaning or the messages they are trying to get across. I have been too bed late and eaten sugar too early, and though my transgressions still have an effect, it is not potentially life threatening or debilitating. I am not a neurotic mess. I don't mind if people have something to say about me and when I say the wrong thing it is not a crime punishable by death.

These are small victories but they are becoming more regular, more normal and I am enjoying them. Similar to the first time I was put on medication I have found that even though I thought I was still "in control" I had no idea how bad of shape I really was in. It is nice to have a second chance.
I didn't know what racing thoughts were until I STOPPED having them. I didn't understand how intense anxiety could be until it let up a little in me. I didn't understand sleep disturbances until I actually had a good night sleep more then once. I didn't recognize decreased energy until I had good energy. I didn't know what "depression" was until I was out of it. I didn't understand mania or hypo-mania until I had a definition AND something to compare it to. I DID NOT understand "CHEMICAL IMBALANCE" until I WAS BALANCED. It is nice to feel balanced. And now I can sure see and understand chemical reactions. They happen all the time in our bodies but some of then are TOO MUCH (or not enough).
... and that is all I have to say about that.
(for now anyway)