“I think I am struggling a little with depression.” I say as tears well up and then silently slip down my cheek trying to escape to the dry ground before anyone notices their presence. 

It’s just me and my husband on the trail at this point but that is enough and I am exposed.

“You probably will your whole life,” he says.

“Nope” I say flatly and I mean it even as more tears escape.

“Good” he comments with a slight sense of pride.

He reassures me that I have done a good job at keeping myself out of depression. He praises me for my efforts to beat it. And I am glad for this.

I am glad that he understands and is supportive of my intense desire to beat it. To change that aspect of me so that I don't have to struggle with it my whole life. It has been many years that I have struggled with depression and it has brought me very near to breaking points... Or I may have broken many times but I am not beat by it 

and I can proudly and confidently tell you that it is not a struggle for my whole life. 

I have beat it because I know it. I know what it looks like, I know when it is coming, and I know what to do about it. I know how to take care of myself and I know how to beat it again and again until it is not a struggle and it is not a burden of my whole life to wallow in. 

I am a better and stronger person because of it but eventually I will lose touch. 

I will forget what it is like to go through and I will be yet another person who just doesn't get it, not because I never have like most who don't get it, but because I have lost touch. I have healed, I have beat it, I have outgrown it and I have moved on.
I am happy to know that and I feel better already.

my five senses.

A good early education will move from concrete to abstract to make sure the student has a solid conceptual understanding of the subject.
I think so much of our lives has become so abstract that we often forget how to live concretely. How to live in and enjoy our real life physical surroundings and existence.

Often we want answers. I often find myself praying. Then I find myself looking for the answer. Wondering where and who to turn to to get the answer I am looking for.
...Because God is silent.

But what if He wasn't?
What if he gave solid answers.
I have been trained to believe that he does and yet it is a code you have to decipher and while no one else can receive revelation for me I am supposed to turn to certain books and people for answers. Who have been trained and conditioned in the same way. and sometimes they are wrong.
So why isn't God himself giving me answers that I know are actually coming from him? That I know I can trust? I am sure I am not the only one to feel this way.
I am not one who likes to believe down the line. I like to go directly to the source or at least as close to it as I can get and then figure out and decipher for myself how to interpret that data.
There is so much data out there.
And data can be changed, tweaked, manipulated for what ever purpose people have.
It's exhausting.
No wonder there are so many crazy people.