"Come together, right now, over here"

I have been working on a blog entry about the past couple of days and the... relapse?... I had but that entry has gotten quite long and I am still not finished; maybe more appropriate for a book..
But I feel it is important so here are some cliff notes:
Omens and strange lucid sleep paralysis dreams put together all of the evidence that I am supposed to sacrifice myself and then I found myself fighting the battle with death again only this time with all of the logical compiled evidence being presented in a sleep-paralysis-like state. Whispers of "only he can stop this" haunting me...
I was not focussed on him, but rather what was I to do? I could not shake the evidence and yet I refused to do the deed. I would not do it, while the encounters (or lack of) of the day and with family just kept reinforcing those messages...
Knowing how my husband had responded that day and his typical patterns I decided it would be best to run away.
But first I decided to do something I have been putting off for far too long; I would report to the police the reckless endangerment and possible criminal negligence and fraudulent practices of the medical providers that seem to be the true source of those voices.
After talking with the appropriate police department I felt tired, and cold but it lit just enough that I also wanted to keep fighting even though I was not feeling particularly brave or strong enough to. I also remembered that I had a dentist appointment the next morning for the pain I was feeling once again in my teeth and jaw. But maybe mostly because I was not feeling capable of even taking care of the dog at that point in time I returned home (I had brought the dog with me, for safety and because my daughter thought it would be good for me) despite the thoughts of, "You can't keep going back."
Upon returning home, I took the remainder of my meds -I had already decided to reintroduce the medication I had wanted to quit, which may have accounted for some of the tired feelings- and then I  went to bed.
Though some of the intensity had subsided, the next morning was rough and I was not sure what to do with myself. I wanted to be there for my son so forced myself to be present for the meeting he had arranged to showed his antique typewriter to potential buyers. Not knowing if I would be home or not my husband had made arrangements to be present for the meeting himself, though he arrived a minute or two too late.
So I was up and feeling bit better, or at least numb when my husband arrived. He explained why he had come home; because he was not sure if I would be here. He is not annoyed or angry either way, but rather he tells me he is glad I decided to stay. He gave me a hug asked how I was. Then he took some interest, making suggestions about a project and then proceeded with, "lets try it right now."
And that was it, that turned me right around, like a switch. I was not sure how this was possible and I thought on all the logical evidence and the whispers, omens, etc but they were insignificant again and if anything, evidence of my tenacity and the need for changes in flawed and/or careless systems, not evidence that I needed to die. This is where there is a lot I can explain, but what it really comes down to is this:

• the fight becomes easier the more you train.
• I had put in the work and it is very likely the medication I reintroduced was helping now
• It does not take much to swing a person either way when they are fighting to survive
• Everybody needs people in the ring with them (or maybe it is many people or maybe just I do, but I do. I need people on my side, looking out for me and helping me)

Tragedy averted, I was tempted to just forget about it, but I knew that we needed to talk about this as a family. I knew that they only way I will not-only-survive-but-thrive is if my family understands this for what it is and helps me when I need it. Whether any of us like it or not we have this burden and we are all going to fair better if we learn how to handle it together and what to do when my brain does go haywire. I wondered how to approach this with my family. I wondered if really I should or if I should just sweep it under the rug. 

I thought of our friend who got diagnosed with diabetes at a very young age, I thought of uncles who we have lost to cancer, I thought about my sister who has a heart condition, I thought about my brother-in-law whose family has been there and extremely supportive through his bouts with bipolar, and I thought of my niece that is blind and my niece that has an extra piece of a chromosome and how my sister has handled it an helped her kids handle their realities. I recognized that those who fair best are those whose families also make an effort to understand their illnesses and conditions. 

I realized, we need to talk about this. Not hide it. Not be ashamed and embarrassed. And most certainly not ignore it when something like this relapse (or what ever it was) happens. 

So we sat down as family to talk about this. I told them I need help and I explained that I want them to understand that we are here to help each other. I explained the simple things that helped turn me around. I explained that I also want them to pay attention to themselves and to know if they ever have any issue's, medical or otherwise, that they are not alone and we are here to help them as well. I want them to be comfortable talking about these things and I want them not to stigmatize themselves (the way I have done to myself so many times in the past -I did not add that). I want them to know that mental health problems are not shameful nor should they be ignored. I want them to remember the man from Brazil and for our family to have the same kind of love and compassion for others and each other. I want them to know how much I appreciate what they already have done and how they have helped me and each other in so many ways already. 

Our conversation was brief and I am not sure if I was able to convey all that I wanted to, but I at least know that they know it is okay to talk about these things, we are all in this together (like it or not) and that we are here for each other. 

Later I talked with my husband. More and more he is  understanding that these issues of mine are not as easy as I make them appear to be. He is seeing that sometimes, when something seems silly, it is often merely the tip of the iceberg in what I can or am willing to try to explain. He knows that I am not a willing victim but that I also do not do things out of spite, malice, revenge or otherwise. I really appreciate that he knows that about me and I am really grateful, that even though it can be difficult at times, he still wants me around and he is glad that I keep coming back. He gives me credit and the benefit of the doubt and he is glad that I keep choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt too. He has always appreciated how care about and are kind to others. We are both starting to see how, at times,  I am too nice and forgiving and that I may be giving the benefit of the doubt to liberally while accepting too much responsibility for difficult situations with people. We are coming together better by recognizing and appreciate the good in ourselves and each other. 

...And I believe this may be how we beat the odds.

Just a little love can go such a long way.

Sometimes we just need to feel love.
Sometimes that is the hardest time to love people and when they need it most.
But sometimes that is really all we need.
In person love. A hug, a hand hold, a rub/pat on the back. Not much. But real life real time love.
...
and maybe to get back on the Lexapro too.
Last night I decided, maybe I will take the baby seizures and not mess with that medication right now... Those Lucid dreams threw me way off and I don't know why they came when they did but they did.. I suppose I am not far enough out of the woods yet.

hollow shell, oh well, to hell I fell

back on Lexapro...
Just in case that has more to do with this than the realities that my damned brain keeps pointing out, that
"they don't care enough to care" someone else was able to explain...
friends have dumped me through this and not kindly. Some family too.
My family does not care enough to care and I am the problem.
I should have left a long time ago
I know
but I am so pathetic I just shut down and cry
I get so overwhelmed by the thought of being alone and of being self sufficient. I have failed to be consistent in my job history and I am not good at making money.
...
...
I am loosing again.
and see no reason to keep trying. no reason to fight...
I am bad because I just keep coming back when I know and they show they are better off without me.
I came back because I thought I want to keep fighting but here I just see more and more clearly that there really is no reason to.
They are correct. I am not worth saving.
but I will not do the deed
a coward
or my body is still fighting for whatever the reason...
fading again
but this time because I am week and a coward. This time because, now in the rational place, I understand... I am just not worth the time
But I won't do it. I won't end myself they way they want me too...
I suppose I'd rather be a burden...
I suppose I will stop trying to not be and just let myself be the burden that I am... Maybe thoughtlessly take advantage of others the way I have been thoughtlessly regarded...
If you can't beat them join them
or at least thoughtlessly use them to your advantage and get mad at them when they feel hurt or angered by that... being a mirror of actions
it's not working and I am ready to go... Just don't know where or what I will do when I get there. my ideas, my imagination, they are all dried up and depleted by the toxicity of humanity.
...
nothing left...but a hollow shell
confident only in my ability to offend well.

Purple Rain

Yesterday we went on an adventure. On our way back toward civilization I saw off in the distance a cloud whose bottom half was purple. My husband pointed out that it was a rain cloud and while I know this already, it was not until he said that that I thought of the reference to Prince.
We laughed about it and I joke, "maybe it is an omen or a message from Prince."
I think it is funny.
...but also I am a bit curious
especially since a couple of days ago my very sober father said something about vultures in trees close to his house and joked or wondered if they were omens.
I am not really a Prince fan. I never was all that excited by his music so I really have no idea what the song Purple Rain is about. So when were back into cellphone range I look it up. The lyrics are pretty receptive and vague really, so I then look up what it means or meant to him and those who wrote the song. I find this: The Story of ... 'Purple Rain' by Prince and it says this:

"Prince explained the meaning of 'Purple Rain' as: 'When there's blood in the sky – red and blue = purple... purple rain pertains to the end of the world and being with the one you love and letting your faith/god guide you through the purple rain.'"

Another source I find confirms that this statement was made by Prince himself and this omen now becomes evidence of God's sense of humor with me...
That is until the lucid dreams of last night, that were putting together and making logical links to far too much evidence of how I really should lay down my life for the sake of others, that in this way, I am not just relieving the burden of me from those I have loved but that the important things I keep fighting to be heard but that are largely ignored are much more likely to be heard if I write it and seal it with my blood. And this little quote is repeating in my head; "Greater love hath no love than he lay down his life for his brother." Why am I fighting so hard to keep me a live when maybe I really do need to sacrificed for so many people that I love? Maybe I need to look at this differently and maybe that is what I really need to do...
And then my husband walks through the door.  I always feel nervous when he walks through the door at unexpected times. I think it stems for a time when his company was under questionable management and they were firing people left and right coupled with the time he came home early because my family had not been able to get ahold of me directly to let me know that my brother had died...
But today he came home for his lunch hour. He says he just came to check on everyone.
I am not okay. I am struggling to get ahead of the thoughts that are rationally adding up to the messages I had been fighting so hard to counter. My weird dream state last night confirming what I have been told to do by so many sources.
He asks if I am okay, sits by me. I start crying because I am not okay. I am confused and scared. I want to explain but I also do not. That is when his phone rings. It is one of his higher ups. He feels he needs to answer and I am fine with that. But then he says, "yeah, I'm on my lunch. It's okay, I got a minute." And he leaves me to talk with his higher up that, from my husbands response, sounds like he would have been fine to wait until my husband was done with his lunch break.
Reinforcing.... Emily Dickinson. Only heard after she was dead. She made the ultimate sacrifice, laid down her life, to be heard.
Maybe not so with her, I really don't know, but my conscience is saying "greater love hath no man than he lay down his life for his brother" while the dreams remind me of he who I was supposed to be sacrificed for.  The shadowy whispers of my lucid dreams tell me only he can end this, and they remind me "you are the bad guy because you won't die." .... And the purple rain is just for me, the end of my days and a command that I just keep refusing to follow through with.. or to understand. Maybe the way to be heard, to help others, is to write it with my blood... and how, now, do I go about doing that?...
My husbands ease in putting me off for the phone call yet another confirmation...
When he returns I still try to explain some, after all he made an effort to come home and check on me.
He tells me it is "silly to think that way."  I try to explain that I did not go to bed choosing to connect all these dots in my sleep. He offers a sighing apology with hints of his annoyed disappointed. I close off and cannot look at him. The back of my head turns into a mirror as he asks "is there anything I can do to help?"
I reflect quietly, "I think it has already been established that you can't" and "you will do what you want" the later being his own words that he had so often used to excuse himself from discussing things with me.
He does not like that, curses something about trying to help and then leaves.
...so
what and I to do? I refuse to kill myself for the benefit of others...
Now what?
Should I reconsider this decision and prove my love people for people by sacrificing myself? Hoping to make a stately that cannot be  very ignored as easily as I am?
It is a hard place when logic and reason point to the same place as your insanity...

"I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted to one time to see you laughing
I only wanted to see you
Laughing in the purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only wanted to see you
Bathing in the purple rain
I never wanted to be your weekend lover
I only wanted to be some kind of friend
Baby, I could never steal you from another
It's such a shame our friendship had to end
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only wanted to see you
Underneath the purple rain
Honey, I know, I know
I know times are changing
It's time we all reach out
For something new, that means you too
You say you want a leader
But you can't seem to make up your mind
I think you better close it
And let me guide you to the purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
If you know what I'm singing about up here
C'mon, raise your hand
Purple rain, purple rain
I only want to see you
Only want to see you


In the purple rain"

-The Artist Formerly Known as Prince

Welcome to Murray Utah's Intermountain Neuroscience Institute where Victim shaming and blaming and intentionally misdiagnosing prevails

This quarantine time is bringing others around me down, which brings me down. I am hopeful and happy and have plenty of ideas but my significant others are often too cool, too timid, too boring or whatever to work toward goals or to act on my ideas with me. And I still absorb that energy. I also am  too easily dissuaded and I still value and credit people even when they devalue me or my ideas. So I think maybe they are right and I should quit trying. (adding next day when I am not feeling angry... I do know that for my kids, and likely some others including myself, part of what causes them (and me) to shy away from my ideas is the trials we have been through with others that just don't understand how I work and, more likely now, the manic turn of events that really made a mess of me)
I am recognizing these things about myself now but still struggling to overcome. Maybe a bit afraid that my personality pendulum will swing too far and drop me into the self absorbed narcissist land that is all too common in our societies.
It's a tricky balance, to value oneself and maybe that is why today I am feeling an elevated anger about victim shaming and blaming.
I read and answer question on Quora.com  from time to time and I have been wanting to write some about some observations I have made. I want to tackle the subject of victim shaming that is so heavily and grossly present in our societies and American culture. I want to explain how sometimes victims continue to be victims because they don't accept themselves that they are victims. We are taught not to be a victim and that if you are repeatedly a victim it is then your fault. "Hit me once shame on you hit me twice shame on me." But today I feel almost too angry to tackle this the way I'd like. SO maybe I will just try to point out that until we recognize and accept that we were in fact a victim and we stop blaming ourselves for the way others have used and abused us we can't get out of the cycles because we don't even see ourselves as a victim. We likely are accepting too much responsibility and people will jump on that band wagon happily so that they can feel quite free for ways they may also be using and abusing you. And you won't even realize they are - may even credit them with "trying to help." It's warped and I do not feel I am explaining well. I think I will post anyway and come back to read this later just to see if writing when I am angry makes any sense at all.... But then am I doing a disservice to what I really want to share?.. See, what they hell? Damn it self, quit listening to the internal and external bullshit that tells you to discredit yourself!!
...So giving myself some credit ...
I answered this question on Quora If you're a therapist and you've accidentally become attached to a client emotionally, what should you do? You can read it via the link but what I really want to share is the1st reply to my answer. The lovely Crystal says this:

 "Yes!! They get to tell themselves that the termination was “ethical" and all of their colleagues will pat them on the back for doing the right thing. Mean while the client is abandoned and going through hell, alone. Who will they turn to? No one will likely understand the very real pain of a therapist doing this to you"

And I want to share it because of how accurately and perfectly she describes what follow on this type of "ethical termination."
And I can can "and those who they do turn to will also get screwed up by the mess or jump on the victim blaming and shaming band wagon."
And for some reason I am hurting especially bad today and I find myself so angry at the abuses from a medical institution because they wanted to protect their own. There own that is being in patted on the back for his "ethical termination" and being "poor man"ed by his coworkers and colleagues when he was the jack ass that used me and then manipulated me to protect himself.
I feel so angry sometimes, knowing that there is no way in hell he, at no point, stopped and thought, "maybe she really is/was manic." There is no way in hell he, at some point did not know this, and yet he dismissed it. They all did. They dismissed and misdiagnosed intentionally to hide something.
And that IS very unethical and very wrong and yet, no one wants to listen, no one wants to understand and no one wants to protect the victim. And if I take myself out of the equation THAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF!!!
But that is wrong to, I am putting myself back into the equation because it is me and my equation and it is wrong that it happened to me and I am pissed that it happened to me.
And I find myself wanting to know more and more, exactly why and what they have worked so hard to keep hidden... just what I stumbled onto that is so that they are so afraid to face or have exposed?
What really is the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute and what are they trying to hide?

March Madness -Game Time

The medication game.
This is a fun reality that comes along with a brain like mine. I am just kidding about that, if you didn't catch my sarcasm implied by italics.
The medication game can be difficult. It is especially difficult for my dads daughter (me) that hates taking any medication for anything almost as much as her dad does.
But for me, at times in my life it is necessary- medication that is. Well, if I want to live any quality of life anyway.
So my recent and most complex cocktail yet has consisted of several vitamins and supplements including (but limited to) a thyroid support, biotin, and fish oil, and the perscritptions: quetiapine (generic for Seraguel) at 200mg extended release and 50-100mg regular release every night, dextroamphetamine sulfate (generic for Adderall) at 15-30mg's daily and escitolapram at 15mg nightly (generic for lexapro).
Prior to the second TBI causing car accident of 2017, I was managing well with only the vitamins, supplements, and Adderall at 10-20 mg's on most days, but not all. I did not take it on days that I had nothing going on or nothing I needed to worry about focusing for. I do believe I was coming out of a bit of a depression but I had not needed medication for it. I think out of 100% (100% meaning no depression or anxiety) I was about 70-80% fine in terms of depression and 90% good on anxiety. (90% of the time having none, 70-80% of the time, not depressed at all or only very mild symptoms of depression were present).
Then the blow to the head instantly flipped it. It was like someone took the thread that had me almost completely stitched together and yanked it unstitching me all the way down to 10% held together against anxiety symptoms and 20% held together against depression symptoms. I was an emotional mess.
After one week of working and trying to be fine I was a mess. I could not remember things, my brain was foggy, I was emotional and anxious, AND I had developed a sinus infection. After my concerned chiropractor diagnosed a concussion I scheduled an appointment with my regular family doctor (who could also treat the sinus infection).
He immediately put me on Lexapro.
I cried.
Like I had everyday since the car accident and like I would everyday until about day 5 of being on the new anti anxiety and antidepressant medication. The anxiety started to be a bit more manageable as well.
Fast forward to now. If you have followed you know the insane story that has me now on 3 medications for my brain. There has also been a suggested 4th; an anticonvulsant due to the possibility of  seizures that the EEG was suggesting.
While I have had some undeniable seizure activity now, they have still been very minor and only when I am asleep (with one exception that happened just after waking up), so I just can't do it. I can't add a 4th drug to my mix. At least not before consulting with a neurologist that actually treats and has experience with treating people with TBI's. But that appointment has taken months and I am still waiting.
So in the meantime - because I am resourceful and maybe also because I refuse to be be a victim or wait around for everyone else to figure it out for me- I have wondered if maybe dropping one of the three medications could solve the tiny baby seizure problem.
I presented the idea of dropping the Lexapro to my psychiatric PA. She is on board with the idea and guided me in how to proceed, making sure I know and will respond appropriately if I start slipping into depression and/or we find that the Lexapro may be "doing more than we think."
The team work is nice.
So I started the weening process a couple of weeks ago and last night made the big decision to not take the lexapro. I have been taking 5mg for at least a week and it has not seemed to be adversely affecting me.
... but today, with none in my system, I feel it; that I am once again playing the medications game.
Going off medications like this can be difficult. I actually went off the Lexapro for a couple of weeks back in March or April of last year when I was still under the care of the negligent Neuroscience Institute. At that point I was not on the Seroguel, just the Lexapro and Adderall (but Adderall only when I wasn't feeling high). I went off the Lexapro because I wanted to know what my baseline was since Dr. Concussion was being so... conservative?... in her treating me and kept wanting me to hold out to see if I would recover without changing or adding medication. (that was really stupid of her, btw, because I was literally fading, which in the bipolar brain IS dying -it'd be the equivalent of having a diabetic try to wait it out to see if their pancreas will magically start producing insulin again and balance out the glucose- probably not an intelligent risk to take)
Even though I weened easily last year, I felt an increase in irritability and a decrease in patience in addition to the mood instability that was still playing out so I had decided to go back on it.
This time, today, I feel a more familiar going-off-medication kind of feel. It is like a weird lightheaded feeling that comes on sometimes. Like in grocery stores. In fact as I think about it I am wondering if the weird lightheaded feeling comes on more in when their is an added element of stress. Not that stores are stressful but rather I don't seem to experience it so much when I am just hanging out at home working on nothing out of the ordinary or of significance. Of course this is only the first day off. I will have to pay attention to this. Sometimes these feelings can intensify, letting you know you went off too fast. Then the prudent and typical course of action is to try half of the 5's and maybe every other day. But if the lightheadedness does not intensify in the next couple of days I will endure until it resolves... or until  I tire of the weird feeling and start taking it again to try weening slower again.
Sometimes it can be pretty ridiculous, like with Paxil -holy cow, that one is stupid hard to get off of. This feeling is similar to that, but like 1 or 2 out of 10, Paxil being the worst weird lightheadedness at 10 ... Paxil has a world-is-shaking-and/or-spinning too. I'd be down to about the equivalent of about a lick but every time I'd stop the shaky world and lightheaded weirdness would start and not stop. I'd try to endure and out last it but after 2 weeks (or more) I'd cave. I finally was able to get off, but it took going onto a different medication, Welbutrin, to get off it.  Weening off the Welbutrin was nothing.
So it is medication game time again. As I am reflecting I think I do remember a bit of lightheadedness the first day or so when I tried going off the Lexapro last year.
We'll see how it goes this year.

Haunting Predictions

So here is an interesting article: 'Who lives and who dies': In worst-case coronavirus scenario, ethics guide choices on who gets care

As I am reading I realize, in the event that I contract this Covid19 virus and need to be hospitalized, I probably better avoid any IHC facilities because they have providers that have already "ethically" discarded me and that have already decided I am not worth saving.
And since I have been vocal in my disagreement with their judgements and decision and because now I know that it was negligence, malpractice and/or mistreatment and I have no intention of shutting up about it until fixes are made, I am certain they will simply allow me to die instead of treating me.
But if this corona virus thing is as bad as they are making it out to be then I am not the only person this will happen to.
"People don't get pissed until it happens to them"....
In preparation I might like to say to so many people who have said to me, "just get over it" or "you just need to let it go" try not to get to pissed if the medical providers decide you or a loved one are not ranked as highly in their "ethical" guidelines and I promise not to say to you, "just get over it" or "you just need to let it go."
If our medical providers do have to start making decisions like this I hope people will understand the difficult position they are in and be forgiving. Under the circumstances it might become necessary.
I will also hope that people will then understand how difficult it is to be "ethically" discarded and how wrong it is when there is no tragic event like this corona virus, but rather the decisions are made as a form of defensive medicine by medical providers that are sacrificing you for no other reason than to try and hide and cover mistakes they made with you.
So in the event that I find myself with no choice but having to seek treatment from an IHC facility and I do die under their care, please look into if I was actually given care because I am predicting they will not. I'm predicting, based on patterns from the past, that they will happily take advantage of the opportunity to watch me die so that there is no chance they have to accept responsibility, admit their wrong doing, and actually have to face some form of consequences or accountability for their irresponsible actions with me when there was no Corona virus. AND I bet they would even go so far as to use the evidence of their negligence and malpractice with me as evidence of justification for letting me be an "ethical" casualty of this pandemic. The evidence being the results from MRI and EGG they did not order done by the neurologist they would not give a referral for and the diagnosis of mania and bipolar they denied and refused to discuss with me and even tried to hide. (Now I know this may sound like a conspiracy theory but it's actually the reality that I have been living. Thus it is not a theory at all but rather this is a predication based on established patterns.)
Once again, I'd rather say it and be wrong than not say it and be right.
In reality I don't think this will happen and I will avoid IHC facilities at all cost, but in the event that it does I'm going to shamelessly boast from the grave, "See! I told you so!!"
...And then I think I will do some IHC haunting just for fun :)
(okay, not just for fun, but because I'll probably be even more determined to expose and hold them accountable or to stop them... but I will also have fun with the haunting too)