YAY! Ankle surgery done and I'm going to be okay.
I am seriously so happy right now that my surgeon is now my new boyfriend.
I am totally kidding about the boyfriend (he's not, it's only funny in light of recent events -that weren't actually even like that)
But I am seriously happy because surgery went well and I came out of anesthesia just fine.
No weird freaky emotions that I was fearing. Nothing like coming out of anesthesia 12 years ago when I had my wisdom teeth removed.
It means I am not so broken after all. I am really truly going to be just fine.
Going in I was sooo scared. Toughing it out and pleasantry with the nurse that set the iv and all that but nervous.
Then the operation nurse came in... and, oh no, not another bizarre emotional coincidence. It was my brother's ex-mother-in-law. Not someone I feel too fondly of for a few good reasons. And I had to trust her? I have not seen her for a couple of years and we don't know each other in person all that well so she either didn't recognize me or acted as though she did not recognize me but I definitely recognized her. A conundrum. What to do? Request a new nurse? Not really anytime. So when she came back I reminded her of who I was. She was kind and polite, she even gave me a hug. That was good and she introduced me as the aunty to her grand babies, great direction to take it. It made me feel a little better about it. She wheeled me to the operating room. "I thought I was supposed to be asleep before I came into this scary place" I nervously joked with my doctor.
...But still those histories are hard to erase so quickly and with the nerves already wearing thin and so much to take in in this new room with the familiar and unfamiliar faces I started feeling really funny before they started to drug me. I had to remind myself to breath which really made me cry and it started to feel like a melt down. Fortunately the surgeon and the anesthesiologist and both nurses were so kind and quick to get me to sleep. The anesthesiologist was so sweet and he laughed with me but reassured me when it turned to tears, still carefully holding onto some of my humor as he put me out. Even the nurses/tech, including bro's ex-ma-in-law were sweet as they busily prepped.
The next thing I knew I was waking up and feeling very normal. A little funny but normal and that made me so happy that the new nurses thought I was happy delirious. I was a little but really much more coherent than any of them understood. I'm sure they thought it was strange that I was so happy about my blood pressure and heart rate 114/69 with 54 bpm before and 109/sixty-something with bpm ranging from 45-55 after. That is more like it. That is what my heart likes to be at. I was so relieved to feel so level and happy that it was quite a pleasant experience.
Yay. I needed that.
Surgery was fun and relaxing compared to the crazy that has been going on with me these past few months.
Who'd have thought?
I am confident I can handle this now. I have some faith restored in the medical industry again and I have some faith restored in myself again.
Wednesday, February 20, 2019
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
Avoidance: my treacherous friend
but in the end I wouldn't even let him open up to me. I kept cutting him off before he could say things that I knew would either get him into trouble or hurt me. I would not let him finish. I would not listen... because I was still protecting
...how does that even work...
I suppose I am safe again. in my sameness
and so is he.
what a miserable place to be.
Even though it is not;
it's ever so interesting
always
and I'll turn it around again... I suppose. maybe I'll do a better job this time.
Maybe I won't
I think I'll go for a walk now
I'll have more time tomorrow for all these stupid haunting head games -tomorrow
bare my sole and get over it completely
You know reality is the best way to kill fantasy. I should have let him be the real I was asking for when I had the chance even though it was hurting more than I could stand...
I didn't avoid anything.
avoidance
you are not a true friend
even though I love you dearly
You hurt me.
again and again
and my family
...how does that even work...
I suppose I am safe again. in my sameness
and so is he.
what a miserable place to be.
Even though it is not;
it's ever so interesting
always
and I'll turn it around again... I suppose. maybe I'll do a better job this time.
Maybe I won't
I think I'll go for a walk now
I'll have more time tomorrow for all these stupid haunting head games -tomorrow
bare my sole and get over it completely
You know reality is the best way to kill fantasy. I should have let him be the real I was asking for when I had the chance even though it was hurting more than I could stand...
I didn't avoid anything.
avoidance
you are not a true friend
even though I love you dearly
You hurt me.
again and again
and my family
Screwed up
I feel nauseous
I go in tomorrow (for that ankle surgery)
my husband is tiring of my mental mess, that is likely to happen, and understandably so, even more because my escalated sex drive is dying/fading.
I am hoping that the man (Dr. P) who is making me pay for my femininity, vulnerabilities, ignorance, foolishness, childishness, strength of character, ability and willingness to love and forgive, desire to understand and be understood, is reading this. I hope he is reading this to keep tabs on me, to know my next move. I hope he is smart enough to know that he can protect himself by doing that.
But I am foolish because they will use whatever I do against me. "twist my words" "behave inappropriately"
I feel sick because it is such a mess to me when the solution is so simple. Do your job, what you have been trained to do. Or is the job a scam? Is it all just insurance fraud?
Money
Is that what it is all about?
Money and sex
I am a prostitute now because my mind has been so screwed up to believe that it was something more than merely transference and counter-transference. so screwed up that I now feel like that is what I am good for.
I failed to give the therapist what he really wanted (sex) so now I'm getting the bills that conveniently had not been charged. But my husband is happy enough with all of this bullshit because he is getting more of it. He is not so happy about the bills that he has to pay for that turned my heart elsewhere though and as I am becoming "worse off than I was before" (his words) and my sex drive is fading I am certain things will not stay as peaceful.
...And with the sex he is the replacement now. and he is paying for it in so many ways. But I can keep him happy... or at least I could
Tomorrow I have ankle surgery. for the same damn accident that had me seeing that neuropsychologist
This is literally fucked up
and this full confession is so much more than I care to publish but this is fucked up and I didn't do this to myself.
I'm scared.
I'll face it
but I'm scared
I'm broken
I'll face it
but I'm broken
I'm confused
I'm facing it
but I'm confused
I'm mostly okay
I'm working to be
and I'll keep working to be
but I'm really not
I'm a piece of shit that is easily discarded
and I am angry and hurt
I am angry that I can do nothing to get answers. I am angry that said therapist is holding power over me and does not care how it is effecting me. He does not give a shit about me after saying things that made me feel like I could be his whole world. I'm angry that he played with my head and my heart like that when I made it very clear that I was not in a safe or stable place, that I had an intense personality. It feels very calculated, like maybe his actions were calculated manipulations. But it went awry because I am. Because even though on paper and in appearance I seem like the perfect target, I am not, because I know too much the reality of what his profession proclaims to try and help. Because I am too familiar with real victims, I've worked to hard to understand and to help too many; friends and family members.
So now I deserved to be destroyed?
And still, am I foolish to hold onto the belief that this could have been accidental? that he could have gotten lost in his profession and his own pain and vulnerabilities?
I'd so much rather talk it out. I am capable of that. As screwed up as I have been, I at least know that about myself. That is one thing I have not lost with my concussion, rejections, firing. I can talk things through, but I am not the only one on the road. To talk things through it takes two (or more). I still have and can, and do. but the ones who cannot sure have been hurtful lately.
and I'm pounding my head against a wall. trying to kick a closed door down... like I knew that I would. Why? Because it hurt too much. because it was too much "there will be no further discussion" no wait, that was the shitty school that fired me, the ones who blame the kids for all the behavior problems. As a teacher you are supposed to adapt how you are teaching if the majority of your class isn't understanding the concept. but no, not with them. And they would tell the kids "I knew you couldn't do it" and things like that. THAT was NOT me. I was NOT the problem there. I am NOT the problem with Dr. P but I was there because I wanted to fix the problem that I was... whatever that was... but when it seemed to be working, "nope, your too broken, and you're screwing me up so were done and there will be no further discussion"... Maybe it was me at the school too. Maybe I screwed them up. It really is all my fault? "you isolate yourself"
It's so shitty. I am so angry at myself and Dr. He that really didn't love me, but let me believe it to get rid of me.
Just tell me what it was and I'll believe you. Just don't shut the door completely... not yet. Not until you have done your job, walk me through this. As my therapist you can fuck me up, you have that power over me there. And you did. But in the real world you can't "fuck this up," because that is not your job, only I can. Only I have that power over me and I seriously doubt I really have that kind of power over you. If I do, I can help you; talk you through it. I can't make any guarantees but I can at least help you help me... or have I already made too big of a mess? or was it a game and grooming and I failed your tests? then that is the other story and I suppose the way to go really is to file a complaint and pursue that path... conundrum and fuckundrum... I am too much... Yep, I'd be scared of me too... told you so.
Now I'm going snowboarding. to enjoy my last day of freedom. At least my last day in a long time... and I'll edit this later if I feel so inclined. Probably when I'm immobile and on the other side of the next big adventure. No walking... no doing... ugh
I go in tomorrow (for that ankle surgery)
my husband is tiring of my mental mess, that is likely to happen, and understandably so, even more because my escalated sex drive is dying/fading.
I am hoping that the man (Dr. P) who is making me pay for my femininity, vulnerabilities, ignorance, foolishness, childishness, strength of character, ability and willingness to love and forgive, desire to understand and be understood, is reading this. I hope he is reading this to keep tabs on me, to know my next move. I hope he is smart enough to know that he can protect himself by doing that.
But I am foolish because they will use whatever I do against me. "twist my words" "behave inappropriately"
I feel sick because it is such a mess to me when the solution is so simple. Do your job, what you have been trained to do. Or is the job a scam? Is it all just insurance fraud?
Money
Is that what it is all about?
Money and sex
I am a prostitute now because my mind has been so screwed up to believe that it was something more than merely transference and counter-transference. so screwed up that I now feel like that is what I am good for.
I failed to give the therapist what he really wanted (sex) so now I'm getting the bills that conveniently had not been charged. But my husband is happy enough with all of this bullshit because he is getting more of it. He is not so happy about the bills that he has to pay for that turned my heart elsewhere though and as I am becoming "worse off than I was before" (his words) and my sex drive is fading I am certain things will not stay as peaceful.
...And with the sex he is the replacement now. and he is paying for it in so many ways. But I can keep him happy... or at least I could
Tomorrow I have ankle surgery. for the same damn accident that had me seeing that neuropsychologist
This is literally fucked up
and this full confession is so much more than I care to publish but this is fucked up and I didn't do this to myself.
I'm scared.
I'll face it
but I'm scared
I'm broken
I'll face it
but I'm broken
I'm confused
I'm facing it
but I'm confused
I'm mostly okay
I'm working to be
and I'll keep working to be
but I'm really not
I'm a piece of shit that is easily discarded
and I am angry and hurt
I am angry that I can do nothing to get answers. I am angry that said therapist is holding power over me and does not care how it is effecting me. He does not give a shit about me after saying things that made me feel like I could be his whole world. I'm angry that he played with my head and my heart like that when I made it very clear that I was not in a safe or stable place, that I had an intense personality. It feels very calculated, like maybe his actions were calculated manipulations. But it went awry because I am. Because even though on paper and in appearance I seem like the perfect target, I am not, because I know too much the reality of what his profession proclaims to try and help. Because I am too familiar with real victims, I've worked to hard to understand and to help too many; friends and family members.
So now I deserved to be destroyed?
And still, am I foolish to hold onto the belief that this could have been accidental? that he could have gotten lost in his profession and his own pain and vulnerabilities?
I'd so much rather talk it out. I am capable of that. As screwed up as I have been, I at least know that about myself. That is one thing I have not lost with my concussion, rejections, firing. I can talk things through, but I am not the only one on the road. To talk things through it takes two (or more). I still have and can, and do. but the ones who cannot sure have been hurtful lately.
and I'm pounding my head against a wall. trying to kick a closed door down... like I knew that I would. Why? Because it hurt too much. because it was too much "there will be no further discussion" no wait, that was the shitty school that fired me, the ones who blame the kids for all the behavior problems. As a teacher you are supposed to adapt how you are teaching if the majority of your class isn't understanding the concept. but no, not with them. And they would tell the kids "I knew you couldn't do it" and things like that. THAT was NOT me. I was NOT the problem there. I am NOT the problem with Dr. P but I was there because I wanted to fix the problem that I was... whatever that was... but when it seemed to be working, "nope, your too broken, and you're screwing me up so were done and there will be no further discussion"... Maybe it was me at the school too. Maybe I screwed them up. It really is all my fault? "you isolate yourself"
It's so shitty. I am so angry at myself and Dr. He that really didn't love me, but let me believe it to get rid of me.
Just tell me what it was and I'll believe you. Just don't shut the door completely... not yet. Not until you have done your job, walk me through this. As my therapist you can fuck me up, you have that power over me there. And you did. But in the real world you can't "fuck this up," because that is not your job, only I can. Only I have that power over me and I seriously doubt I really have that kind of power over you. If I do, I can help you; talk you through it. I can't make any guarantees but I can at least help you help me... or have I already made too big of a mess? or was it a game and grooming and I failed your tests? then that is the other story and I suppose the way to go really is to file a complaint and pursue that path... conundrum and fuckundrum... I am too much... Yep, I'd be scared of me too... told you so.
Now I'm going snowboarding. to enjoy my last day of freedom. At least my last day in a long time... and I'll edit this later if I feel so inclined. Probably when I'm immobile and on the other side of the next big adventure. No walking... no doing... ugh
Fun Adventures through Hell
Surgery on my ankle in 2 days
and then no weight bearing for 6 weeks.
Hell for 6 weeks
Stuck in my head... I am terrified
I think my heart might die in surgery though
It might not be strong enough
so then I would escape hell.
but it's only 6 weeks to 9 months of hell
after 9 months I should be able to be back to my regular loves of running, hiking, snowboarding
etc.
So I suppose I hope my heart doesn't fail me completely.
My poor family
they will have to endure my hell too.
that sucks.
... to look at it positively
I'm thinking it will be an exciting new adventure.
Definitely something I have never done before.
Maybe I will find new strength as I suffer through the hells of stuck... really stuck.
Maybe I can turn all my 200+ pages of crazy into a realboy book (I'm sure that is funny only to me, but its funny)
"Psychotherapy Gone Crazy"
and then no weight bearing for 6 weeks.
Hell for 6 weeks
Stuck in my head... I am terrified
I think my heart might die in surgery though
It might not be strong enough
so then I would escape hell.
but it's only 6 weeks to 9 months of hell
after 9 months I should be able to be back to my regular loves of running, hiking, snowboarding
etc.
So I suppose I hope my heart doesn't fail me completely.
My poor family
they will have to endure my hell too.
that sucks.
... to look at it positively
I'm thinking it will be an exciting new adventure.
Definitely something I have never done before.
Maybe I will find new strength as I suffer through the hells of stuck... really stuck.
Maybe I can turn all my 200+ pages of crazy into a real
"Psychotherapy Gone Crazy"
Monday, February 18, 2019
Sunday, February 17, 2019
evolving
...but it is more than that; than following the lead.
I need to evolve. Progress.
From what I have learned and what I understand transference is considered a "good" thing but only if you are able to work through it with your therapist. I am; but my therapist is not and therefore I am not allowed to try. I am not allowed to help him help me.
so I am left to figure this out on my own, I am left to figure out how to take the good of him, what he built, and turn it into me and what I built. I am supposed to develop independence. We were working on uncovering my buried story and helping me to both recognize and connect with my core values. So it makes sense to me to follow his lead because he is the professional that has been trained and knows better but I also have to follow my heart, my gut, and my head and become my own independent caretaker. I have to figure out how to use my own strengths, buried story, and values to become the better version of me. That is what I need to do. I wish for his leadership and guidance but he gave all that he can (is allowed) and I now need to use my own strengths in place of his weaknesses. That to me feels like how I will achieve independence.
Where I am strong or can be, I need to be, but for my sake, not his, even if it hurts him. What happened was not fair, not ethical and a repeat of patterns I want to break, or change.
I can accept it if I want to go back to old broken me, but I do not want that. I want to be confident, happy me, able to embrace my perfectly imperfect self. While I love people and care for people deeply, always trying to be what they want or need me to be has me ironically more consumed with me and less able to just be what I am which is what I actually need to be. It is a larger cycle that I have not fully figured out and really don't care to at this moment because I want to let things be whatever they are and whatever they need to be while taking care of me. I can be true to my head and my heart with out over analyzing so much (I have already put in that time -overtime).
So it is time to be and time to do.
also time to follow through
...again, not sure if my words are coming out in a way that will make sense or really how I meant for them to but I'd like to stay true to letting things be what they are and need to be without driving myself crazy overthinking and trying to get it exactly right. I am okay to make mistakes. It is okay for me to be human.
I need to evolve. Progress.
From what I have learned and what I understand transference is considered a "good" thing but only if you are able to work through it with your therapist. I am; but my therapist is not and therefore I am not allowed to try. I am not allowed to help him help me.
so I am left to figure this out on my own, I am left to figure out how to take the good of him, what he built, and turn it into me and what I built. I am supposed to develop independence. We were working on uncovering my buried story and helping me to both recognize and connect with my core values. So it makes sense to me to follow his lead because he is the professional that has been trained and knows better but I also have to follow my heart, my gut, and my head and become my own independent caretaker. I have to figure out how to use my own strengths, buried story, and values to become the better version of me. That is what I need to do. I wish for his leadership and guidance but he gave all that he can (is allowed) and I now need to use my own strengths in place of his weaknesses. That to me feels like how I will achieve independence.
Where I am strong or can be, I need to be, but for my sake, not his, even if it hurts him. What happened was not fair, not ethical and a repeat of patterns I want to break, or change.
I can accept it if I want to go back to old broken me, but I do not want that. I want to be confident, happy me, able to embrace my perfectly imperfect self. While I love people and care for people deeply, always trying to be what they want or need me to be has me ironically more consumed with me and less able to just be what I am which is what I actually need to be. It is a larger cycle that I have not fully figured out and really don't care to at this moment because I want to let things be whatever they are and whatever they need to be while taking care of me. I can be true to my head and my heart with out over analyzing so much (I have already put in that time -overtime).
So it is time to be and time to do.
also time to follow through
...again, not sure if my words are coming out in a way that will make sense or really how I meant for them to but I'd like to stay true to letting things be what they are and need to be without driving myself crazy overthinking and trying to get it exactly right. I am okay to make mistakes. It is okay for me to be human.
Saturday, February 16, 2019
Following the leader
How do you beat the odds and become an exception to the rule?
You realize that you are not the exception to the rule.
Never say never
because you never know how you will respond and never seems to curse you to become what you never thought you could.
Can't is a powerful word
But it is your own black magic; when you say it or believe it you take away all of your power to do the thing you say you can not do even if you can. You rob yourself of your own power.
Calm
Can I hang onto the calm? can I hang onto the peace? Can I be the calm?
How do you know when to fight and when to run?
Or when to give in?
Fighting and trying to solve is helping to kill the pain and the fantasy. I am not sure what is real and what was planted. I didn't think there was fantasy. I don't think there was at first...
But then somehow that is what it became; yet I didn't think it was because it seemed so real... I didn't think there was fantasy because I can look at things logically and I can explain it away... But the fantasy was there without invitation. It would replace my thoughts when I looked at the disappointing aspects of my life and of myself. It would tell me I was actually worthy of something better. and then the something better would find its place in my parallel fantasy life... somehow this would only bother my heart and as I shook the feelings I was better able to focus and enjoy the moment I was in.
I really don't understand this. I don't really get how this fantasy I kept trying to shake was at the same time helping me and allowing me to be my happy self.
...But also feel so much sadness and in the end the unshakable feeling of worthlessness, knowing that the fantasy was merely that; a fantasy. Not real and never to be even though it seemed so real and possible in a moment. In my childish manic survival brain.
The fantasy is fading as I face reality. I can let it go only by facing it. By fighting to keep it or fighting for me, I face reality. The best way to kill the pain and to heal the broken is to face it.
If you want to overcome a fear you have to face it.
If you want to heal a wound you have to address it. You have to stop the bleeding... heart.
My heart hurts for a man who I feel is broken, who I believe is a good person, who I appreciate and admire. My heart hurts from him.
But just as he has to look out for himself and feels he needs to protect himself from me, I need to do the same. I am looking into the mirrored mask, remembering the trusted therapist behind it, who can only ever be that to me. If that is the role he is to stay in and I wish to continue to stay on the path of the changes that he started but did not see through then I have little choice than to follow his lead.
You realize that you are not the exception to the rule.
Never say never
because you never know how you will respond and never seems to curse you to become what you never thought you could.
Can't is a powerful word
But it is your own black magic; when you say it or believe it you take away all of your power to do the thing you say you can not do even if you can. You rob yourself of your own power.
Calm
Can I hang onto the calm? can I hang onto the peace? Can I be the calm?
How do you know when to fight and when to run?
Or when to give in?
Fighting and trying to solve is helping to kill the pain and the fantasy. I am not sure what is real and what was planted. I didn't think there was fantasy. I don't think there was at first...
But then somehow that is what it became; yet I didn't think it was because it seemed so real... I didn't think there was fantasy because I can look at things logically and I can explain it away... But the fantasy was there without invitation. It would replace my thoughts when I looked at the disappointing aspects of my life and of myself. It would tell me I was actually worthy of something better. and then the something better would find its place in my parallel fantasy life... somehow this would only bother my heart and as I shook the feelings I was better able to focus and enjoy the moment I was in.
I really don't understand this. I don't really get how this fantasy I kept trying to shake was at the same time helping me and allowing me to be my happy self.
...But also feel so much sadness and in the end the unshakable feeling of worthlessness, knowing that the fantasy was merely that; a fantasy. Not real and never to be even though it seemed so real and possible in a moment. In my childish manic survival brain.
The fantasy is fading as I face reality. I can let it go only by facing it. By fighting to keep it or fighting for me, I face reality. The best way to kill the pain and to heal the broken is to face it.
If you want to overcome a fear you have to face it.
If you want to heal a wound you have to address it. You have to stop the bleeding... heart.
My heart hurts for a man who I feel is broken, who I believe is a good person, who I appreciate and admire. My heart hurts from him.
But just as he has to look out for himself and feels he needs to protect himself from me, I need to do the same. I am looking into the mirrored mask, remembering the trusted therapist behind it, who can only ever be that to me. If that is the role he is to stay in and I wish to continue to stay on the path of the changes that he started but did not see through then I have little choice than to follow his lead.
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