Taboos and forbiddens
mess with people's minds
in terrible ways
Monday, February 18, 2019
Sunday, February 17, 2019
evolving
...but it is more than that; than following the lead.
I need to evolve. Progress.
From what I have learned and what I understand transference is considered a "good" thing but only if you are able to work through it with your therapist. I am; but my therapist is not and therefore I am not allowed to try. I am not allowed to help him help me.
so I am left to figure this out on my own, I am left to figure out how to take the good of him, what he built, and turn it into me and what I built. I am supposed to develop independence. We were working on uncovering my buried story and helping me to both recognize and connect with my core values. So it makes sense to me to follow his lead because he is the professional that has been trained and knows better but I also have to follow my heart, my gut, and my head and become my own independent caretaker. I have to figure out how to use my own strengths, buried story, and values to become the better version of me. That is what I need to do. I wish for his leadership and guidance but he gave all that he can (is allowed) and I now need to use my own strengths in place of his weaknesses. That to me feels like how I will achieve independence.
Where I am strong or can be, I need to be, but for my sake, not his, even if it hurts him. What happened was not fair, not ethical and a repeat of patterns I want to break, or change.
I can accept it if I want to go back to old broken me, but I do not want that. I want to be confident, happy me, able to embrace my perfectly imperfect self. While I love people and care for people deeply, always trying to be what they want or need me to be has me ironically more consumed with me and less able to just be what I am which is what I actually need to be. It is a larger cycle that I have not fully figured out and really don't care to at this moment because I want to let things be whatever they are and whatever they need to be while taking care of me. I can be true to my head and my heart with out over analyzing so much (I have already put in that time -overtime).
So it is time to be and time to do.
also time to follow through
...again, not sure if my words are coming out in a way that will make sense or really how I meant for them to but I'd like to stay true to letting things be what they are and need to be without driving myself crazy overthinking and trying to get it exactly right. I am okay to make mistakes. It is okay for me to be human.
I need to evolve. Progress.
From what I have learned and what I understand transference is considered a "good" thing but only if you are able to work through it with your therapist. I am; but my therapist is not and therefore I am not allowed to try. I am not allowed to help him help me.
so I am left to figure this out on my own, I am left to figure out how to take the good of him, what he built, and turn it into me and what I built. I am supposed to develop independence. We were working on uncovering my buried story and helping me to both recognize and connect with my core values. So it makes sense to me to follow his lead because he is the professional that has been trained and knows better but I also have to follow my heart, my gut, and my head and become my own independent caretaker. I have to figure out how to use my own strengths, buried story, and values to become the better version of me. That is what I need to do. I wish for his leadership and guidance but he gave all that he can (is allowed) and I now need to use my own strengths in place of his weaknesses. That to me feels like how I will achieve independence.
Where I am strong or can be, I need to be, but for my sake, not his, even if it hurts him. What happened was not fair, not ethical and a repeat of patterns I want to break, or change.
I can accept it if I want to go back to old broken me, but I do not want that. I want to be confident, happy me, able to embrace my perfectly imperfect self. While I love people and care for people deeply, always trying to be what they want or need me to be has me ironically more consumed with me and less able to just be what I am which is what I actually need to be. It is a larger cycle that I have not fully figured out and really don't care to at this moment because I want to let things be whatever they are and whatever they need to be while taking care of me. I can be true to my head and my heart with out over analyzing so much (I have already put in that time -overtime).
So it is time to be and time to do.
also time to follow through
...again, not sure if my words are coming out in a way that will make sense or really how I meant for them to but I'd like to stay true to letting things be what they are and need to be without driving myself crazy overthinking and trying to get it exactly right. I am okay to make mistakes. It is okay for me to be human.
Saturday, February 16, 2019
Following the leader
How do you beat the odds and become an exception to the rule?
You realize that you are not the exception to the rule.
Never say never
because you never know how you will respond and never seems to curse you to become what you never thought you could.
Can't is a powerful word
But it is your own black magic; when you say it or believe it you take away all of your power to do the thing you say you can not do even if you can. You rob yourself of your own power.
Calm
Can I hang onto the calm? can I hang onto the peace? Can I be the calm?
How do you know when to fight and when to run?
Or when to give in?
Fighting and trying to solve is helping to kill the pain and the fantasy. I am not sure what is real and what was planted. I didn't think there was fantasy. I don't think there was at first...
But then somehow that is what it became; yet I didn't think it was because it seemed so real... I didn't think there was fantasy because I can look at things logically and I can explain it away... But the fantasy was there without invitation. It would replace my thoughts when I looked at the disappointing aspects of my life and of myself. It would tell me I was actually worthy of something better. and then the something better would find its place in my parallel fantasy life... somehow this would only bother my heart and as I shook the feelings I was better able to focus and enjoy the moment I was in.
I really don't understand this. I don't really get how this fantasy I kept trying to shake was at the same time helping me and allowing me to be my happy self.
...But also feel so much sadness and in the end the unshakable feeling of worthlessness, knowing that the fantasy was merely that; a fantasy. Not real and never to be even though it seemed so real and possible in a moment. In my childish manic survival brain.
The fantasy is fading as I face reality. I can let it go only by facing it. By fighting to keep it or fighting for me, I face reality. The best way to kill the pain and to heal the broken is to face it.
If you want to overcome a fear you have to face it.
If you want to heal a wound you have to address it. You have to stop the bleeding... heart.
My heart hurts for a man who I feel is broken, who I believe is a good person, who I appreciate and admire. My heart hurts from him.
But just as he has to look out for himself and feels he needs to protect himself from me, I need to do the same. I am looking into the mirrored mask, remembering the trusted therapist behind it, who can only ever be that to me. If that is the role he is to stay in and I wish to continue to stay on the path of the changes that he started but did not see through then I have little choice than to follow his lead.
You realize that you are not the exception to the rule.
Never say never
because you never know how you will respond and never seems to curse you to become what you never thought you could.
Can't is a powerful word
But it is your own black magic; when you say it or believe it you take away all of your power to do the thing you say you can not do even if you can. You rob yourself of your own power.
Calm
Can I hang onto the calm? can I hang onto the peace? Can I be the calm?
How do you know when to fight and when to run?
Or when to give in?
Fighting and trying to solve is helping to kill the pain and the fantasy. I am not sure what is real and what was planted. I didn't think there was fantasy. I don't think there was at first...
But then somehow that is what it became; yet I didn't think it was because it seemed so real... I didn't think there was fantasy because I can look at things logically and I can explain it away... But the fantasy was there without invitation. It would replace my thoughts when I looked at the disappointing aspects of my life and of myself. It would tell me I was actually worthy of something better. and then the something better would find its place in my parallel fantasy life... somehow this would only bother my heart and as I shook the feelings I was better able to focus and enjoy the moment I was in.
I really don't understand this. I don't really get how this fantasy I kept trying to shake was at the same time helping me and allowing me to be my happy self.
...But also feel so much sadness and in the end the unshakable feeling of worthlessness, knowing that the fantasy was merely that; a fantasy. Not real and never to be even though it seemed so real and possible in a moment. In my childish manic survival brain.
The fantasy is fading as I face reality. I can let it go only by facing it. By fighting to keep it or fighting for me, I face reality. The best way to kill the pain and to heal the broken is to face it.
If you want to overcome a fear you have to face it.
If you want to heal a wound you have to address it. You have to stop the bleeding... heart.
My heart hurts for a man who I feel is broken, who I believe is a good person, who I appreciate and admire. My heart hurts from him.
But just as he has to look out for himself and feels he needs to protect himself from me, I need to do the same. I am looking into the mirrored mask, remembering the trusted therapist behind it, who can only ever be that to me. If that is the role he is to stay in and I wish to continue to stay on the path of the changes that he started but did not see through then I have little choice than to follow his lead.
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