Sometimes I read what I write and I think it's funny.
I think it is funny that I wrote it. That I was the one that came up with that. Although writing can be quite cathartic and therapeutic in it's own rite, often it's a symptom or a response to symptoms.
And sometimes I think that artistry that can only be obtained by a mind that has meandered into mania is really funny.
Mastered and managed, it can be so beautiful.
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| Starry Night over the Rhone by Vincent van Gogh |
Beliefs in a higher power and a higher purpose can sustain us in hard times and through hard things. It can also help direct and redirect us.
I believe that we will all eventually be held accountable for what we do here and how we treat others.
And I believe you, Nelson and Naegle and those you claim to defend namely IHC, will eventually be held accountable for what you are doing to people.
I pity you for the depths of hell you have caused and defended to be caused to others that you will someday yourselves have to endure... Only then will you understand the depths of your own deceptions and the harmful impact you have and uphold; the hell you keep others in -as you milk or allow to be milked medical malpractice insurance policies while wrongly accusing and allowing others to be blamed for the ever increasing premiums that you and your kind are actually causing.
When you are there, experiencing the depths of the hell you have created for me
-that in this life you wish for me to die in-
I am certain you will call out begging for my forgiveness, begging me to allow you to be released from this hell - this hell you have created for yourself that is the hell I will have already endured because of you.
But I will not be able to release any of you from it, justice won't allow it. And
I am not the god that put you there.
You are.
So you will not escape until you have endured the full extent of it, the extent of your own creation.
and I am sorry for you because you have no idea what you are in for. Your willful ignorance prevents it and you will not know how to endure it. I can only forewarn you that the mania you have denied, the mania that your allowing to be denied, that you have lied about while you prey on me for it, THAT is the hell you will endure
and it is infinite.
I am sorry for you now so I will not have to hear when you keep crying out for mercy and I cannot help you because it only ends when justice is served and
Even if I am successful at stopping the hell you are causing to me, even if I prevail, on my own, however that looks, if you play no part in putting a stop to and the ending of that hell that you persist with, you will have no end to Your Creation and contributions to the hell you must endure. A hell that will ripple the ponds of justice, society, and our healthcare and governing institutions well beyond your years of practice and well beyond the silencing of me.
The equivalent. You will endure the equivalent of your creations, that cannot be ended by my victories or my silence.
You are the gods.
and Justice will not allow it.
So when do you make it stop. When do you decide you'd rather not obligate yourself to endure the hells and levels of hell you create? When do you, Intermountain Healthcare IHC stop condemning patients to death or living hells in order to conceal your negligence and avoid accountability here, in this life? Accountability that in this life is so small, so simple and takes far fewer resources and less effort than the resources and efforts you dump into creating and perpetuating hell for me. Accountability that will cause you no harm but saves lives and posses so much potential for improvements to medicine and humanity.
You alone have the power to put an end to this hell. Because you are the Gods who created and sustain it.
Will you?
It's been surprising how few people, and especially those whose job it is to know and tell the truth, have avoided in entirety attempting to learn the truth. You would think they would want to talk to me, that they'd ask the questions that will provide the truth. You would think they would want me to know the truth that they can provide.
But unfortunately, I am learning, most people would rather stay blissfully ignorant than know the truth.
Yet blissful ignorance is a treacherous illusion that gnaws at a person's core and rots them from the inside out.
All the research in the world is worthless if it is not put into action.
The research, what are you doing with it?
Dear PhD researchers and healthcare providers,
You need the patients. You need the voices and experience from the other side of your work.
Helen Keller is credited with saying, "Alone we can do so little, but together we can do so much."
Really, alone we can do a whole lot but it accomplishes so little if we do not work together.
We are the other side that validates the work you do and your work validates us. We can, and many of us want to, help you improve the application of it. But if you ignore and invalidate us you invalidate all that you have worked so long and hard on.
Please stop excluding us. Please stop excluding us from involvement and input in and on the work you do and how it is implemented. Please do not confuse the countertransference you might experience with those of us whose life experiences validate your lives work and please do not vilify us for your countertransference confusion. Please, instead, recognize it to be the intuitive prompting that it is and that is trying to tell you of our value to you and your work.
And please do not allow the irrational fear that our value to your lives work may somehow outshine your own value to prevent us all from obtaining the "so much" we could achieve together.
We are not your enemy. We are your other half.
And we are better together.
Sincerely,
Your patients and test groups
I thought it funny when I heard the late radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh* say that he worked with half his brain tied behind his back in order to keep things fair. I find this catch phrase of his popping into my brain as I write this because, after all, we TBI survivors are doing it all now with half our brains tied behind our backs. So if we validate research in ways that could improve diagnosis and care for others and we have figured out on our own, without any of the academic and professional backing, funds and support researchers and our healthcare providers have, we probable deserve some credit for it.
*Disclaimer: This blog does not endorse any commercial product, service, process, person, or enterprise. While I prefer to give credit where credit is due, I and this blog do not endorse and have no affiliation with Rush Limbaugh or any political movement party, association or views, left or right, liberal or conservative.
No wonder I have often felt I do better if I have more protein in my diet.
and PTSD
Did PTS cause mania or did undiagnosed and untreated mania cause to PTSD?
Go BYU!
So fully of integrity. Making sure you double dip on what you charge.
Yes, I know you are watching. Analytics expose your stalking.
So I'm posting just for you this time.
The True Christians that you are.
Now who is that is actually the stalker? Or is it an exploiter?
Quit watching me and quit attacking me and then doing whatever it is you are doing with the Judge to get him to demand that I pay you for it.
It's psychotic.
And gross.
If I stop fighting this battle then what?
What do I have left to work with?
So many holes and voids from lost relationships, lost opportunities and lost potential.
But many of those opportunities, relationships and potential were not lost rather taken from me through defamation from accreditation.
If I quit fighting, then what? What is left of me after all of this?
Disability? and Disdain for it?
fatigue and failure?
Failure to prove my value as a human?
Or
All the failures of the "systems" and "institutions"
Of checks and balances
That are supposed to protect
equally
and the vulnerable especially, but not actually.
Anger.
I am left with Anger and Pain.
I am left with degradation and knowledge of incompetence being practiced at the highest levels to the detriment of the most vulnerable and most easily exploited. The Least of These.
Left knowing that he is still practicing with patients he can so easily exploit and they are allowing it and covering for him.
Or they told him and have directed him to lie and he is a victim himself- doubtful though, too much the victim played and preyed on by him.
He can and will lie to your face, but you cannot be mad because he did warn you in his cryptic and not so cryptic ways, he warned you that he would not admit to anything that might expose who he really is and what he is really up to.
Even if you catch him in the lies, the title and prestige they will not compromise
for the likes of you.
And Cortney watches with her henchman Sean, because she is pathetic and so is he. and because they thrive on the knowing they are causing pain. They thrive on knowing that they can keep the pain caused by others going indefinitely. Mercilessly.
Enjoy the publishing of anything about you -you narcissistic sadists. Then pretend like you have never read this in your pathetic attempt to deny me the satisfaction of knowing that you are paying attention to the likes of me; A satisfaction that is your own fabrication, not mine.
Keep on working to fill your life and lips with injections of products that are as fake and toxic as you are.
Keep working to crush the already crushed so you can fool people into believing the radiance reflected off of their crushed pieces are somehow reflective of your own brilliance. But you and I both know you are a mere Fabrication of Illumination. At least that is an Impressive feat for the Obsolete, I'll give you that.
Pretend. Or threaten and use it to show and say "see she's.." whatever you say to twist things your way in the moment of that day, -BYU sticker proud of your clearly defined deceit and conceit.
Keep on reading you leach
POS.
Not where I wanted to go with this today, but frankly, you were never invited -so leave. Don't you know the cool kids don't hang out here. Be gone you fascist fool, go stomp and clomp in your trying too hard heals with your Scabie Stooge Sean right at them.
Or stay and keep coming back to flatter me. But since I am being honest, I will admit, you are not a flattering audience.
It's not my thing
and it's not my scene.
But my body has changed and I am getting older.
Running does not work the same anymore, yet I still need the exercise. I also need to strengthen my core to accommodate for
the lower back injury that now objects to many things I used to enjoy, like running and sleeping on the ground in a tent.
So Gym seems like a good idea.
We have a week free, to try it out. I went once with spouse and son and it was surprisingly fun not that bad. I liked the versatility of the activities I could do, my core seems to approve, and my energy and focus felt better upon returning home from the outing.
Today son is working and spouse is snowmobiling. I have way too much to do on the legal end, but am feeling overwhelmed. So I think Gym would be a good new friend to start my day with. ...
... But somehow, all dressed up with somewhere to go, movement starts to become rather slow. I give myself the pep talk and encouragement I seem to need,.. But instead of my feet moving towards the door, tears start to flow and I find myself frozen as I stare at my exit trying muster the strength and courage to leave. I don't understand why this is hard for me and why tears are streaming down my face in response to my desire to go to the gym.
It's almost as if all my recent efforts to improve myself and society have been fraught with frustration and degradation.
Maybe that is all it is.
And I am afraid
To leave my house
and leave it alone
to try and improve the quality of me alone
in an environment that is new
but supposed to be something and somewhere built for the masses for the purpose of improving ones health...
ahh
now there it is.
blogging it out proving productive -or is it seductive- again as a few last stray tears find there way out of the mayhem inside that will forever be pressing for resolution and solution
Now...
Do I stay or do I go?
Go.
and hope for the best. as always I guess.
Except that now I am exhausted again
and tilting;
my eyes pressuring me to close
...
...
Originally published on 2/3/24 at 9:52 am
Now it 12:13 and I am back from the Gym.
It is very strange how the universe works at times for a person who rarely runs into people she knows.
As I walked the track to cool down I noticed a grey haired man shooting hoops who seemed familiar. He looked a lot my previous physical therapist. The one who had pointed out that I reminded him of his friend Jan Broberg, partly because I was behaving like someone whom had been groomed to protect their groomer. He was the physical therapist I saw after the ankle surgery that occurred amidst the ongoing malpractice, when I was mess after being "terminated" by Dr. P but still being treated by Dr. R at the same Neurosciences Institute that was denying the mania and then failing to refer so I could get appropriate care and diagnosis.
I had talked with this therapist and cried to him quite a bit about the situation I was trying to understand when I was both his patient and theirs. He was the therapist who had asked, "what's the worst possible outcome," in regards to the scenario I could not then fully comprehend or accept.
"That he's a grooming psychologist and I have to stop him," was the automatic instinctive answer I provided to him then.
As it turns out, the grey haired man shooting hoops was precisely that physical therapist. He still remembers who I am and he was curious to know if anything was ever resolved.
What an odd coincidence.
Or does God still work in mysterious ways?
