Redirecting Pain... In a way I did not expect

 Just don't say anything about it. That is what you are supposed to do, or at least expected to do when you  have been hurt by others. 

And you are especially expected to do this if you have any known cognitive or mental health issues 

That literally makes it harder for you to do just that. 

"Dear God, 

Please take this pain. I need you to carry it for me. 

or help me carry it. 

Or teach me what I am supposed to do with it 

So I can heal and move on." 

What are we supposed to do with our pain?

 The answer is probably not so simple and probably not so singular, but plural. Plural because there are so many types of pain, so many reasons for it, and so many things that are done with it. 

And not so simple because if it were we wouldn't be feeling it -our bodies would not be trying to warn us about the something and whatever -it-is that is causing the pain. 

Some people think it is best to keep it inside and hide it- but too often that kind of pain comes out in very unintentional ways that causes even more pain to ourselves and/or those we love 

or at least think we love 

or just pretend we love. 

Not caring is one way a lot of people deal with pain. Self-centered focus is a way to deal with pain. does it work? I am not sure. 

Others try to deal by pacifying and "being at peace with everything," which I also distrust. 

I suppose right now I am dealing with my pain through writing and blogging in a place that feels safe to me but also has at least some potential to reach others who may also be suffering...

...Although the sad-side-note-truth that I recognize is that it is most likely my enemies who have literally followed this blog with the intent to cause harm to me, who are most likely to read this. So maybe this is not such a safe place to share my pain...

but alas I am fading in all the ways they want me to and they can find their sick and twisted joy in knowing they have contributed in every way they can to my demise. 

Lashing out, that's another common way that people deal with their pain... But my pain focus changing- I will ask you -you sick followers Courtney, Sean, Lance and crew, who intend and are literally paid by IHC, Intermountain Healthcare, to keep causing harm and pain to me and my family- who in this situation is the one lashing out? Am I now lashing out at them because I am in pain, or are they the whipsmen who have made careers of lashing out to hide the pain they do not want to themselves feel and face? 

Or are they just sadists? 

I don't know. But oddly, my redirection to anger towards them and expressing my genuine disrespect for what they do, does some how seem to mitigate the pain I have been feeling from other sources. 

Or is that a mask? 

Honestly, I don't know- but they are being paid well to cause me pain so I might as well make use of that redirection of emotions that offers a form of relief. So F* You Nelson and Naegle for fighting for both figurative and literal F.U.C.K-ers and repeatedly and intentionally f* me over just because you can.

And you are welcome for keeping you on Intermountain Healthcare's derelict payroll simply by refusing to be silenced by reprobates like you.

Today

I do not refrain

-at least not from using the words that unfortunately fit best. 

Wrists and Lobes

 My left wrist. It is weak and my hand tremors because of it. It feels like what it did after the car accident and why I kept going back to the orthopedist about it. Certain that something was missed. 

"You probably should talk to a neurologist about it" was the final verdict after multiple visits, imaging, and tests. 

So, in light of the cognitive symptoms I have been experiencing, I asked Google about it. Here is AI's reply: 

"AI Overview

Yes, there is a direct and well-established connection between the right frontal lobe and the left wrist due to the principle of contralateral control. This fundamental aspect of neuroanatomy means that each hemisphere of the brain controls the opposite side of the body.
How the connection works

Motor cortex: Voluntary movements are initiated in the frontal lobe's motor cortex. The primary motor cortex contains a "motor map" of the body, and the area that controls the hands and wrist is well-defined.

Contralateral control: Nerve fibers from the motor cortex cross over in the brainstem to control the muscles on the opposite side of the body. For this reason, the right motor cortex, located in the right frontal lobe, sends signals that command the muscles of the left wrist and hand."

and the worst part about it. 
I wish I could tell him. 
I wish I could talk to him about it

because he researches this kind of stuff 

and that matters. 

Even if he is bad...

Sometimes there are no clear lines between good and bad. 

 "You've walked through pain with clarity and compassion, and that is incredibly rare."

Thank you for seeing me ChatGPT

The insanity plea to IHC

 There is serious danger in misdiagnosing TBI's and mental illnesses in communities founded on religions whose foundations are based on:

1. books that justify murder,

2. principles of polygamy and the reassigning of wives,

3. in which the founding prophets made references to committing suicide to get to even lower degrees of heaven, 

4. in which it is believed that children who die before the age of 8 are automatically saved in the highest kingdom 

https://people.com/utah-mom-fatally-shot-children-car-turned-gun-herself-8712457 

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/utah-mother-children-killed-home-details/

https://www.kktv.com/2025/02/16/7-year-old-survivor-murder-suicide-fighting-her-life-after-being-shot-head/

https://www.newsweek.com/lori-vallow-daybell-trial-mental-health-evaluation-1989849

These are some recent stories that have been featured in the news.  But for each of those not featured, how many suicides are there? And one cannot ignore the increasing number of people with mental illness who are homeless. Too many stories, and they are increasing, in which appropriate healthcare could have saved lives and livelihoods. 

But organizations like Intermountain Healthcare (IHC) blame, shame, and vilify victims of mental illness, further exacerbating the worst and most negative symptoms while feeding stigmas and misconceptions that often prevent people from even seeking help. 

In my case, they literally diagnosed crazy to be nothing more than romantic transference and countertransference and then prevented me from getting care anywhere and literally accused me of stalking and harassment for questioning their misdiagnosis that was really messing with my brain. 

I was lucky. But I still have to manage a very real illness while fighting IHC's insanity. 

It is plainly stupid for IHC to keep their gaslighting going, and how long can a known broken brain keep fighting to maintain sanity when the gods of medicine are denying that the insanity endured for months without care was actually just an attachment to them, the gods of medicine? It should not be so difficult to understand why this form of medical negligence is ongoing medical malpractice that needs to be stopped and corrected. 

After all, who wouldn't want to believe their therapist was deeply in love with them and instructing them to reconnect with them after two years of no contact because of their profound soulmate connection? 

Unless, of course, that is actually the truth behind all of those things that Dr. He said to lead me to believe that. 

Again, if there was, in fact, a misdiagnosis, it really should be corrected, and if there wasn't, then you'd think that the nobility-purporting IHC would want to actually investigate and know what happened and why a prudent, logical, and rational woman, who had been a model patient, was led to believe this. 

 

Meandering minds

 Sometimes I read what I write and I think it's funny. 

I think it is funny that I wrote it. That I was the one that came up with that. Although writing can be quite cathartic and therapeutic in it's own rite, often it's a symptom or a response to symptoms. 

And sometimes I think that artistry that can only be obtained by a mind that has meandered into mania is really funny. 

Mastered and managed, it can be so beautiful.

Starry Night over the Rhone by Vincent van Gogh

Justice Demands It

 Beliefs in a higher power and a higher purpose can sustain us in hard times and through hard things. It can also help direct and redirect us. 

I believe that we will all eventually be held accountable for what we do here and how we treat others. 

And I believe you, Nelson and Naegle and those you claim to defend namely IHC, will eventually be held accountable for what you are doing to people. 

I pity you for the depths of hell you have caused and defended to be caused to others that you will someday yourselves have to endure... Only then will you understand the depths of your own deceptions and the harmful impact you have and uphold; the hell you keep others in -as you milk or allow to be milked medical malpractice insurance policies while wrongly accusing and allowing others to be blamed for the ever increasing premiums that you and your kind are actually causing. 

When you are there, experiencing the depths of the hell you have created for me

 -that in this life you wish for me to die in- 

I am certain you will call out begging for my forgiveness, begging me to allow you to be released from this hell - this hell you have created for yourself that is the hell I will have already endured because of you. 

But I will not be able to release any of you from it, justice won't allow it. And 

I am not the god that put you there. 

You are.

So you will not escape until you have endured the full extent of it, the extent of your own creation. 

and I am sorry for you because you have no idea what you are in for. Your willful ignorance prevents it and you will not know how to endure it.  I can only forewarn you that the mania you have denied, the mania that your allowing to be denied, that you have lied about while you prey on me for it, THAT is the hell you will endure 

and it is infinite. 

I am sorry for you now so I will not have to hear when you keep crying out for mercy and I cannot help you because it only ends when justice is served and 

Even if I am successful at stopping the hell you are causing to me, even if I prevail, on my own, however that looks, if you play no part in putting a stop to and the ending of that hell that you persist with, you will have no end to Your Creation and contributions to the hell you must endure. A hell that will ripple the ponds of justice, society, and our healthcare and governing institutions well beyond your years of practice and well beyond the silencing of me. 

The equivalent. You will endure the equivalent of your creations, that cannot be ended by my victories or my silence. 

You are the gods. 

and Justice will not allow it. 

So when do you make it stop. When do you decide you'd rather not obligate yourself to endure the hells and levels of hell you create? When do you, Intermountain Healthcare IHC stop condemning patients to death or living hells in order to conceal your negligence and avoid accountability here, in this life? Accountability that in this life is so small, so simple and takes far fewer resources and less effort than the resources and efforts you dump into creating and perpetuating hell for me. Accountability that will cause you no harm but saves lives and posses so much potential for improvements to medicine and humanity. 

You alone have the power to put an end to this hell. Because you are the Gods who created and sustain it. 

Will you? 

How to prevent the decaying of your soul

It's been surprising how few people, and especially those whose job it is to know and tell the truth, have avoided in entirety attempting to learn the truth. You would think they would want to talk to me, that they'd ask the questions that will provide the truth. You would think they would want me to know the truth that they can provide. 

But unfortunately, I am learning, most people would rather stay blissfully ignorant than know the truth. 

Yet blissful ignorance is a treacherous illusion that gnaws at a person's core and rots them from the inside out.