Have I ever said that I hate taking medication?
I decided to try going off the old lamictal. I've been taking it for about two years now. It has been good. I would say definitely what I needed. But now I'd like to detox. That and I never can tell exactly what is what. I have impatience. Is that medication or is that nurture or is it the old scar from a head injury? I don't know. I have been so unmotivated and there are acne issue's. Could this be related? I don't know.
I quite taking the antidepressant months ago and other then some anxiety that seems to have mostly subsided, I have been fine. ...No wait there have been a couple of times that I have experienced a little darkness, but nothing to concerning and nothing that has lingered. I am OK there.
I quite taking the antibiotic I had been on for acne for the past year and a half because I just don't like the idea of it and it was not completely wiping it out anyway. I think I could probably control that better with diet if only I could relocate that motivation and will power.
So there is just one left before I can completely detox my body. But that is the scariest to try to go completely off of. And as always any little change will have me wondering and guessing what is what. I suppose it is good that I don't just go off without thinking about it and am concerned with keeping myself in check. No, not I guess- it is good. The thought of some of my previous feelings and being is pretty horrifying really.
And that is just it... It is horrifying. I am starting to have tears well up and my throat is getting tight as I once again realize that my brain has the ability to get really screwed up. That it has been very screwed up and it really can suck bad.
I was down to half the dose of lamictal. After a week of being pretty much fine, things got tough for two days. Just an intense tired and the world was looking a bit stranger then it has in awhile. A couple of times over the past week-and-a-half I have felt some intense excitement, something that used to be quite common for me, swelling up inside my body. It is the kind of excitement that if it continued to rise (like bread dough) it would explode from my body and I don't know that I could handle it.
I've heard a romantic ideal of letting go of all inhibitions... What a terrifying thought.
Thing is we just did the daylight savings switch, the season is changing (and in a hurry) and I've been trying to stay away from the Halloween candy that I have allowed myself to over indulge in. All of these things could attribute to my slight changes in brain function...
But I still got scared and jumped my dose right back up to the previous increment. Am I a chicken? Or am I being smart?
I don't know. I just want to be me and not have to always be guessing what is what.
Lately I've liked the idea of blaming some of my negative traits on my adolescent head injury. It might help blaming some of the intense anger and impatience that I can be prone to on brain damage.
The other day when I was overly angry with my husband for a miscommunication, that I was likely just as guilty in, I was able to allow myself time to settle down without saying as much and venting as much. The feelings can be so intense that in the moment I am sure I will never get over it. That it is a gross injustice and possibly the end of the world as we know it. But I let it sit. this time reminding myself that this just might be the irrational thinking of a scarred old brain. Before long, and with out inflicting damage to my husband I actually did settle down and was able to realize it was OK and I was in fact feeling some rather irrational and extreme feelings for the situation.
That is another thing. I don't have the extremes in excitement, spirituality and depression (Heaven AND Hell) with lamictal but I've got the intense anger and impatience still. Then there is memory and focus... Focus was bad before, maybe worse not sure on that one. But the memory, though it was not great before, now I feel like I am getting Alzheimer's.
So once again what to do? Dropping a bit seems like it has been good. Maybe I should just stay here for awhile.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Nomads
"Hello darkness my old friend. I've come to talk with you again." "Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high...why oh why can't I?"
Depression seems to be peaking it's ugly head again. Yesterday I had a lot I wanted to write and say. Today is just another day those thoughts all blown away. But I am tearful.
I wish to disappear.
Yesterday I saw myself on a street corner with all of my belongings. My long blond hair radiated the highlights that only days spent in the sun can achieve. My skin had formed a protective layer of tan against the sun. I was not alone but had a travel companion. A man equally as unassuming but unshaven and nicely weathered.
It was not actually me. The couple did not appear to be unhappy. They did appear to be somewhat vagrant or maybe nomadic would fit better.
I noticed the lady most.
She was unlike your typical obvious vagrant person in that her hair was somewhat neatly pulled up into a single ponytail appropriately placed, much like mine so often is. She, at least in observation while passing, seemed rather clean. Neither had visible tattoo's or cigarette hanging from lip or limb. There was no card board sign visible. They both looked strong and healthy. Enough healthy mass that you had to be confident they were not starving. They most certainly lacked the emaciated look of drug depleted addicts. But it seemed obvious by their somewhat tidy mass of belongings and there weathered skin that they have not been home for awhile, nor spent much time indoors.
I felt a longing.
Though they were weighted down by a few belongings they did not seem to be weighted down by the world.
Maybe my perceptions were skewed by my own discontent but oh what a wonderful way to live.
If I were to allow myself I could make up a million stories to attach to this atypical pair, but I do not wish to bind them to the negativity's of my realizations of reality nor limitations of my imagination. I want to keep the vision in my head of this couple pure and simple.
I would have liked to have driven by again.
Depression seems to be peaking it's ugly head again. Yesterday I had a lot I wanted to write and say. Today is just another day those thoughts all blown away. But I am tearful.
I wish to disappear.
Yesterday I saw myself on a street corner with all of my belongings. My long blond hair radiated the highlights that only days spent in the sun can achieve. My skin had formed a protective layer of tan against the sun. I was not alone but had a travel companion. A man equally as unassuming but unshaven and nicely weathered.
It was not actually me. The couple did not appear to be unhappy. They did appear to be somewhat vagrant or maybe nomadic would fit better.
I noticed the lady most.
She was unlike your typical obvious vagrant person in that her hair was somewhat neatly pulled up into a single ponytail appropriately placed, much like mine so often is. She, at least in observation while passing, seemed rather clean. Neither had visible tattoo's or cigarette hanging from lip or limb. There was no card board sign visible. They both looked strong and healthy. Enough healthy mass that you had to be confident they were not starving. They most certainly lacked the emaciated look of drug depleted addicts. But it seemed obvious by their somewhat tidy mass of belongings and there weathered skin that they have not been home for awhile, nor spent much time indoors.
I felt a longing.
Though they were weighted down by a few belongings they did not seem to be weighted down by the world.
Maybe my perceptions were skewed by my own discontent but oh what a wonderful way to live.
If I were to allow myself I could make up a million stories to attach to this atypical pair, but I do not wish to bind them to the negativity's of my realizations of reality nor limitations of my imagination. I want to keep the vision in my head of this couple pure and simple.
I would have liked to have driven by again.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
lafindumond post comment
I like this statement. "but an all consuming force, as natural as the body’s drive to heal itself; your soul must put right that which threatens it."
It explains better then people realize.
This type of depression/suicidal disease is not about "wanting to kill myself" From the mind of one so afflicted it is about having the "guts" to "fix" the problem. The diseased minds default mood. The body ever fighting to keep that mind from winning. That mind that wishes to move on, to be healed of it's infirmity, knowing that the only healing is in death, that mind will win.
But hope.
Hope that it is an ailment and not "me." Realization that sometimes only medication can give, that such a mind is not the "normal" workings of a physically healthy brain/chemistry. There is hope that can bring back life and aid those who are fighting so hard to live and be alive, against there own mind.
thanks sister
It explains better then people realize.
This type of depression/suicidal disease is not about "wanting to kill myself" From the mind of one so afflicted it is about having the "guts" to "fix" the problem. The diseased minds default mood. The body ever fighting to keep that mind from winning. That mind that wishes to move on, to be healed of it's infirmity, knowing that the only healing is in death, that mind will win.
But hope.
Hope that it is an ailment and not "me." Realization that sometimes only medication can give, that such a mind is not the "normal" workings of a physically healthy brain/chemistry. There is hope that can bring back life and aid those who are fighting so hard to live and be alive, against there own mind.
thanks sister
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