Tuesday, March 10, 2015

“I think I am struggling a little with depressions.” I say as tears well up and then silently slip down my cheek trying to escape to the dry ground before anyone notices their presence. 
It’s just me and my husband on the trail at this point but that is enough and I am exposed.
“You probably will your whole life,” he says.
“Nope” I say flatly and I mean it even as more tears escape.
“Good” he comments with a slight sense of pride.
He reassures me that I have done a good job at keeping myself out of depression. He praises me for my efforts to beat it. And I am glad for this.
I am glad that he understands and is supportive of my intense desire to beat it. To change that aspect of me so that I don't have to struggle with it my whole life. It has been many years that I have struggled with depression and it has brought me very near to breaking points... Or I may have broken many times but I am not beat by it 
and I can proudly and confidently tell you that it is not a struggle for my whole life. 
I have beat it because I know it. I know what it looks like, I know when it is coming, and I know what to do about it. I know how to take care of myself and I know how to beat it again and again until it is not a struggle and it is not a burden of my whole life to wallow in. 
I am a better and stronger person because of it but eventually I will lose touch. 
I will forget what it is like to go through and I will be yet another person who just doesn't get it, not because I never have like most who don't get it, but because I have lost touch. I have healed, I have beat it, I have outgrown it and I have moved on.
I am happy to know that and I feel better already.