Monday, December 27, 2010

Holiday Blues.

I'm not sure if it is too much sugar, not enough veggies, lack of exercises and sun or just me (OK I know better it is linked to all of that).
But I feel a bit low. Sometimes I feel "depressed" at the prospect of being "depressed" and that is just stupid.
I still DISLIKE taking medication. Sometimes I feel a bit numb and I often wonder do I really honestly need this? And WHY?
I think I can fix it on my own... even still and probably more and more as I am "normalized." My smart little brain knows that there is really no such thing as "normal" so why am I medicating.
I'll be honest, I greatly dislike the depression and I think I am probably more willing to continue on medication to keep those nasty feelings away. Every now and again I get a little wave of it, and I can tell you that it is most certainly physical. I've waken with that dark, anxious, nastiness and just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I hate to say it and I know that life is not fair and also that I've got much that I am so blessed with (my list would be too long to publish) but my mind still is thinking it at the moment... it's not fair. I said it... I know that one really never knows but it is easy to know that some really do not know those demons of death and darkness.
blah blah, this my whining for the day.
But sometimes I feel sad at the prospects before me and some of my beloved family members (like my very intense five year old son who has already made references to death as an escape, and no, he has not heard it from us. He will be an entry focus another time). What will happen to me in the insanity of the world and my own mind? Must I be medicated? I just want to be free. But I am sure that is the desire of most people in this world, just for different reasons and trails.
I guess that is where some of the longing for death comes from. Though I don't feel it now, my logical brain recognizes it. It also recognize that though we have all sorts of religions and various beliefs of the after life we really don't know what awaits us and "freedom" in death could be nothing more then an illusion.

I feel better writing.
Thanks to anyone who cares to listen. Thanks even more to anyone that feel what I am saying.
I quite liked my blog background today... Maybe it will stay awhile after all.