Tuesday, March 30, 2010

here today, gone tomorrow

I feel like writing, though it has been awhile and likely nobody reads this anymore anyway. that is the beauty of this world wide web, you can write to your hearts content, pretending there is someone out there listening, and hoping that maybe just maybe you will make a difference somewhere to somebody...
What a great outlet we have in the Internet. See I feel better already.

I have been thinking as well as not thinking and at times trying not to think. Anxiety is creeping back in. It may be that I am a bit tired. It is nice that I can stay up much later and not crash (or explode) multiple times the next day... but then maybe that is how it sneaks up on one. Hypersensitive at least keeps things from sneaking.

I am feeling rather hollow...
I think about my brother everyday. I went for awhile with out. There was a bit of time where when I did think about him I believed he was fine and when I would remember that he had died I was sure it was just a weird dream. It wasn't real and I liked it that way... Until I'd see the plants in the living room and the few little things that I have out, like the little framed picture my other brother gave each of us of him (deceased brother) as a boy on one of our family camping trips in a dry field holding matches (that was (name with held)him) and then it has to be real. Though I still really didn't believe, sometimes certain the plants had come from somewhere else. When I found the picture and poems that were a tribute to him for his funeral that is when I lost it. I put that out. I suppose I should live in the "real world" and remember what really happened. But I don't want to.
It bothers me.
Once a doctor said something about religion/my beliefs keeping me alive (instead of actually killing myself when that was really the only thing that made any sense at all). He said something about others of the similar backgrounds claiming that. But I am bit different (the Dr. has also told me that) and truth be known I believe it is said religious convictions that contribute as much as the detract from the desire to die. Sometimes religion bothers me. I see the need and understand and all that, I even agree with much, but lately I am tired of feeling like we live only to die.
I am tired of everything being about an afterlife. I am tired of feeling like I have to do and be so much more then I am.
I wonder if my brother ever felt any of these things. I wonder how much feelings of, being a failure and/or wanting to be done with it because we are merely living to die anyway and since he knew he was so far from "perfect" then what is the point and he felt done, contributed to his current condition.
I am not done. I am just tired of living to die.
I am mad that my brother shot himself in the head.
I am annoyed that I take drugs everyday just to feel like this and yet not taking them is so much more annoying or at least difficult.
I want to run away to my warm sunny beaches with mountains behind me and forget about everything and everyone...

well I suppose I feel a bit better now pretending that my voice and heart might be heard.
good night sweet Internet world.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Oprah and Bull@#%*

E-mail to friend turned therapy blog entry:

I read an article in Newsweek about Oprah. The title was something to the effect that "Oprah may not be so good for your health." I really liked it and was impressed that any one in the media would dare breath even a remotely ill word against the omnipotent Oprah. The article was basically about how all things on Oprah are not always completely accurate. They hit on the "Secret" crap she has pushed and endorsed and it was refreshing to hear that others out there realize that just because Oprah says it does not make it gospel and just because some one successful can market an idea does not make it true. I wish that we really could be and have what ever we want just by vibrating positive thoughts but unfortunately it just doesn't always work that way, no matter how hard you believe and practice and all the bull... I get annoyed any more at having that type of "conviction" shoved down my throat and held over my head telling me that all negatives in my life are a result of my lack of putting out positive thoughts, beliefs and energy. It is just the re-packaged idea that "you only have problems because you are a sinner" or "you lack faith." And if that be true then I suppose I really am just a pathetic sinner of a thing. But it is also quite possible that these ideas, when taken too seriously or held onto with extreme conviction can result in some interesting sanity issues for some of us...

I totally just broke into a "write for therapy" session. I think it is the relief that you are well coupled with my Oprah experience of the day that led me down the path to express and confront the feelings and idea that I think it bullshit that we are completely responsible for all the troubles our selves and/or families may have. That and I still hate to take medication. It is always very tempting for me to think "all I need to do is think more positive." when the reality is that was kind of a huge part of the problem, thinking that I could think myself out of "it." Though I really believe in energy work and the power of positive thinking and so many more things all I can say is; can't we be realistic about it people? seriously.

and that is all I have to say about that.

PS, two and a half plus months and counting on what has seemed to hold as an even kill.
mood stabilizer appears to be helping.