Medication vs. Self-medicating

Life has not privileged me with the opportunities to be the person that I think I want to be. I am most certainly something else. I still find myself in the quandary of medication vs not despite the difference I know it makes for me.
Even on medication I still have to do those things that are needed to help fight depression ie. diet, exercise, avoid stimulants and depressants. I still have to be aware of what I am subjecting myself to as far as entertainment and media goes. I still worry. But it is so much more manageable. Without medication I felt like myself sometimes but those sometimes were short lived and a battle to maintain. I have come to this conclusion; I know who I am and who I want to be and if I feel more like that person on a more consistent basis with the help of medication then I see no problem with self medicating with the help of a professional who probably knows more then I do about a lot of things. I think its a fair thing to do for myself and my loved ones and those who have to deal with me on a regular basis.
I think it is really not funny at all that people (society really) are so harsh about prescription "happy" pill's but so OK with all the various forms of self medication that are addictive and often unhealthy. I have felt the pressure to drink alcohol and am often viewed as a prude or stiff or what ever because I don't drink. I will admit I have been tempted, but the only reason I'd be drinking would be to "calm" me, problem is it is a depressant and even before I knew that, I knew how it effected people and I knew that I was screwed up enough, I didn't need help with that. I don't drink for these reasons so I am looked down on by many. I do take medication for a lot of the same reasons that people drink and smoke and do illegal drugs in there various forms, you'd think that I'd be viewed the same, I think it is more responsible, but a societal view would look down on me multiple times. I personally think it is pretty stupid. and that is all I have to say about that right now.

http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00696/depression-treatment

If "that" me is normal then Normal STINKS!

So I have now started three blog posts in the past few days that remain unfinished or not publish worthy. I am finding there really is a lot that I feel needs to be said on this subject. Right now I just wanted to quickly say that I am so happy with my current state of mind.
Occasionally I hear people say things, or if I try to explain and I am told "well that is normal" or "everyone feels those things" I am slightly tempted to judge myself harshly and once again return to the error of thinking that I am just a pathetic little wimp who needs excuses because I can't handle "normal emotions." While I realize that this may or may not be true, I have also realized how much better I am and feel. I still go through a very normal range of emotions. In fact just this last week I have been a bit down and my head has wandered to bizarre places, enough that I worried a little about my stability. But it was very different, it was quite manageable and I soon realized that my worrying (and possibly some of my husbands) was mostly my hesitation to fully trust the stability that I have been experiencing for such a long stretch (going on a couple of months now). I think it is important to recognize this because without recognizing I could easily sabotage my own progress. I can note some dramatic differences between how I am now and how I was then. They may not be that dramatic to everyone else but I can sure feel it and it is nice.
I will go into more detail later on some of the differences. However, for now I need to keep this post short but I do want to say this:

If what I started taking medication for is a normal reaction to a normal range of emotions and thought processes and everyone really is just like me then I truly and honestly believe that EVERYONE needs to be on medication because that SUCKED!!! It is nice to have myself back. Once again I didn't realize how bad it sucked until it stopped sucking so bad. (I will reiterate I am not saying everyone needs to be on medication, it is an "if/then" statement)
But that is what I wanted to say today. Thanks and have a lovely, level day.

When I go back and read some of the things that I have written I have to laugh at myself. Though I'm totally idiotic, it's funny really. Like this that I wrote (I'll leave it in rough form so you may have to read it again and again to get it but if I'm going to expose my idiot side then I'll bare it all, no airbrushing and no-touch up):
"I am not a helpless victim of anything. I do not appreciate the feeble attempts of people who would lead me to believe that I am in order to boost their business or what have you. Or even those who want you to believe it so that they may feel better about it.
I have my agency and I also seem to have emotional incontinence. Sometimes I can manage with that but other times I really need to rely on “depends” or staying in, in order to avoid an embarrassing situation. And sometimes the “depends” are a bit embarrassing and who wouldn’t take a pill to stop embarrassing leakage over wearing an adult diaper?"

Well I think I'm funny!

a rant on depression literature

I just have to say that sometimes I tend to avoid reading stuff about Mental illnesses, Mood Disorders, or what ever it may be called because I think it is so damn depressing. And I think "damn" is the right word there because there is often that undertone as well.
Sometimes I think I need to read more, but when I try to I feel completely discouraged or devoid of hope. Personally I think that is so totally lame. I read crap about depression an it is exactly that; depressing. I read crap about mental health issues and it is either all in your attitude or you are a completely helpless and mindless victim who I've seen put in the same categories as animals. I have read research that I know is easily ignorantly translated as "avoid anyone who is trying to live responsible with there mental disorder," rather go for the person who has yet to face these issues but in reality are possibly more likely to be problematic because they might have the same problems or worse but have not been allowed or willing to face them in a healthy and supportive way.


I get a bit fired up at the extreme views and the lack of a moderate middle ground. Yes, there are many that are "worse" than I but under the circumstances is it any wonder that people like my brother die by a fate of their own making, it's so freaking hopeless and taboo. Of all the gross and disgusting topics I hear discussed (even viewed) and offensive terms just casually tossed about that really probably should be taboo, why are mental illness's and disorders so taboo? I mean really people.


My brother-in-law, not the one who wrote the books but a different one, is a lost little soul in many peoples eyes but I don't think he is so much as people don't want to accept that he is fine living a life that they themselves are not fine with.
I hate that so much is an all or nothing approach, medicate or don't. Therapy or none. Mental or not. It's not that cut and dry and just because I occasionally benefit from an antidepressant does not make me less of a person. It also does not mean that I am helpless. Even in the misery of it all I am not a depressed person (OK, yes I am, but that is not who I am).


I have anxiety issue's, I struggle with depression, I have problems with obsessive thinking. I have low energy at times, I have trouble sleeping at times, I have panic attacks at time, I have racing thoughts MOST of the time. I have trouble focusing. Sometimes I eat too much and sometimes I don't eat enough. I am waaay too effected by waaay too many things. I have highs and ups that, though they can be fun, are idiotic even troublesome at times. Sometimes I wish to just be done with life and sometimes I think of ways to bring that about. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes I know that I have super powers, and even when I am "normal" I sometimes secretly know that it's not really crazy but rather just impossible to maintain (the super powers). I have multiple personalities that sometimes don't get along very well. I have excessive guilt. I have social anxiety. Sometimes I even think I need medication because I really can't "just deal with it" or "get over it."

I have issues. Yes, but so what.
Fortunately for me sometimes they can be fun. I think that is who I am, mostly because that is who I want to be more then it is the way that I tend to be most of the time.
No, I don't understand people who are always depressed and down, but does all the literature on depression have to be so dang hopeless? Maybe I'm just a fighter or maybe I am different or maybe I just don't want to give up hope and I don't think I ever will. I am sorry if that bothers people but I'd like to see a paradigm shift here. This may sound silly but depression doesn't have to be so depressing just like a fashionable and sensitive man doesn't have to be gay and just like a person with a bipolar or schizophrenic disorder/ illness doesn't have to take orders from their alter-egos and/or moods.
That is my statement for the day and I hope that you will have a good one.

Letting go of Spiritual Highs

So this is my blog entry that I have felt "inspired" to post but will leave some thinking "OK, she's really nuts" while others might relate so well they will feel relived to have some one say it.
One thing that I seem to "give up" in favor of medication are "spiritual highs" and I have my own theory about this (and a lot of things). In my world of mood swings and ups and downs I often will experience some pretty profound and enlightened ups. They are amazing and I am always grateful for them, but I have to admit they are the writings (if I happen to write while I'm in that up) that I am most embarrassed of when I'm out of that up. I will also acknowledge that these ups are usually followed by an equally low down -heavenly highs and hellish lows.
I had gotten pretty good at recognizing the patterns and was pretty good at rolling with the punches, but it is exhausting and as my current psychiatrist pointed out "we sometimes think we are doing better then we are" and as the wise grasshopper pointed out "it's not all about you." It was not a maintainable cycle for me I was literally loosing my mind. But back to the "spiritual highs"

I was sitting in church, yes church, missing those "moving feelings" when I felt the need to write (though church and church related material is not necessarily where I would experiences these highs, rather church has actually been more of a constant for me) and this is what I wrote:

"We are not here to have a spiritual experience, we are here to have a mortal experience. Or spiritual experiences are to enhance, assist, remind us, of our mortality.
But all-in-all I don't believe this is meant to be a spiritual life but a mortal life (don't get me wrong, you can be a spiritual person and that is good, but we are spiritual mortals not mortalual spirits, yes, that is a made up word but you get my point and humor, I hope).
When our life becomes overly spiritual, in our mortal state, then in our imperfection and in our mortality we are subject to both/all side of the spiritual realm and the depths of them, which cannot be constantly and consistently maintained in our currant state. It is too much for our little bodies to handle. (again let me emphasise "when we become OVERLY spiritual")
To be alive in this world one must be somewhat dead/asleep/absent of the other (not dead in a dead sense, more like plants in winter are "dead"). One day it will all make sense but now is not the time or the place. But rather to live a mortal life and do the best you can with that.
We are meant to have joy, love and FAITH here so enjoy your 'ignorant' adventure!"

That is my "at church" writing on that. I'd like to add that it is my belief that this life is a lot about learning balance and learning team work as well as Independence. If I were a sci-fi writer I might explain it like this: If you are one who experiences those spiritual highs it is possible that you have found a sort of gateway into another realm but it is a realm that our mortal bodies are not adapt to handle efficiently at this point in the human race.
There you go! No, I am not crazy!!!

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW

I wrote this entry but wanted to get permission from my brother-in-law before I made it public information. He not only gave me permission but also a link to his original book, I was very glad he did. I will explain why at the end of this post.

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW

When I got back from Florida my brother-in-law made an effort to talk to me. He even put himself out there by sharing some of his personal and seemingly embarrassing stories about his break down. I was entertained by his stories and appreciated his effort but I think I also made it painfully clear that “I was not like him.” I was not especially open to thinking that I may have been “mentally ill,” or potentially more so. My story was nothing like his. Though I knew that my little incident with the police officer was a God-send I also knew that the police officer really had over-reacted. I just had a touch of depression that I would get over and no longer need medication for ever again, and that was that. End of story.
Years later, years after I had successfully been weaned off of anti-depressants and ignorantly started to mentally turn south (so to speak), I read his story. It was then that I realized I really was more like him then I’d previously thought. I had, fortunately, just not progressed to as extreme a point. However, I could easily look at myself and realize that there were far too many times where I was on “the verge.” My mind seemed to work an awful lot like his and I could easily see myself in his shoes if a few of my scenario’s had been just a touch different or farther from home, culturally and physically. I felt extremely guilty for having been so judgmental and ignorant so many years ago, for what I was now certain would have contributed to a sense of isolation that I was sure he must have felt over the years.
I have come to realize not only how right my brother-in-law was, but also how brave and admirable he was for being willing to talk about it and exposing his own personal “flaw” for my sake. I have come to admire him tremendously for his effort to do the best HE can despite his illness. I have come to realize that there is not much of a line that separates the “insane” from the “sane.” In fact it is very possible that a mentally ill person who accepts it, deals with it, and makes the appropriate effort to live a mentally responsible life is likely much more sane then the multitude of masses who think they are above it, who think that they don’t relate, or who live oblivious and ignorantly in their superficial realities.
I am hyper-sensitive to many things, it has the ability to drive me nuts, but by acknowledging my intensities and sensitivities I can live responsibly and very well. Are you the same?

So that is the end and now I will explain about my bro-in-laws book that you can obtain a copy of through this link: http://www.bearcanyonpress.com/ .
The book that I referred to was the original unpublished version of "Enduring Well" (I was actually unaware of the "Into My Manic Mind" but I am excited to read it). I am not sure if some of what was in his original version is in the "Enduring Well" or "My Manic Mind" so honestly I'd say get both. The thing is when I read his book it gave me new awareness of how close I had potentially come to "insanity" and how to recognize some common early signs of danger. The descriptions of the break downs, that the publisher said were to "graphic" or a bit too much for the average reader, were exactly what I needed to help me be more aware of my own mental state. Ironically, in reference to the book that the Publisher published to be a self-help book, I have heard people say that it was a bit much for them and they had a hard time reading it because he was so much more extreme then they were. I realized instantly that it was because the publisher left out the background story and early symptoms, much of the detail that the publisher was afraid would be too much.
I remember Andy decided to self publish the original book because he felt it had a place and that his story could potentially help people. I would like to again say thank you to Andy because his willingness to share his "crazy life" has helped me from unknowingly getting too close to that breaking point myself.
And with that I wish you well and I hope that you enjoy the mental world that so many are more a part of than they realize.