*the story of my crazy little life*

So why the @$#* would someone want to start a blog exposing there own vulnerabilities and questioning their sanity? Why are you asking this question anyway?
Read my older posts and then here is where it all began:
After graduating from high school I went to live in Florida for a year. After being there for about seven months I somehow found myself spending the night in a Mental Health facility, not by choice, however, I must confess, that was not the first time I questioned my sanity. I remember explaining to the counselor that I for some time I felt like I had a little sanity chip in my brain that was somehow keeping my mess of a head together. I explained how I often wanted to break my head open so that it could all spill out and I could actually see it all and somehow put the pieces together like a puzzle. But this event in Florida is what really seemed to alert in a "Houston, we have a problem" kind of way.
Despite my "intensities" I really truly believed that everyone one was like me inside, they just did a better job of "pretending," and I didn't appreciate pretending. I really thought everyone contemplated ending there life and how. I thought it perfectly acceptable to set a date, as long as it was far enough off and I gave this life thing real honest effort.
The very talented psychiatrist that saw me somehow knew what I needed to hear and managed to work me over easily into taking medication. "At this point" she said "you can't afford not to." Then she proceeded to make sure I could get a few months worth for very close to free. She also put me on a medication that is not at all easy to stop taking. I think she did that on purpose.
Honestly it was a hard pill to swallow and I really didn't know what it meant. When I got back to my home state out west, I didn't like to visit psychiatrists or psychologists and relied on the library for any information. I was trying to get off the medication all of the time... Until I was a bit more "stable" anyway. But even after I had changed dramatically, in mostly positive ways and I fully recognized that this incident and medication really and truly did save my life, I did not want to stay on the stuff. I didn't think much about my sanity issue's so much but rather became a bit obsessed with other peoples "sanity" issue's. Eventually I was able to go off and I mostly had myself convinced that I didn't need them... Can't say that I was always a peach to be around, but other then my "intensity" I was fine...Really, I swear I was!

Sooo, I somehow got hit upside with life a few times and could very easily blame some of my "issues" on that but regardless I was starting to unravel. There were a few "coincidental" events that either fed a quicker unraveling or helped me to see that I was starting to unravel, thus preventing me from completely coming apart. The most notable to mention were my brother-in-laws book of his own personal story of bipolar and then that damned ol' boyfriend (whose wife also happened to be bipolar)... I found that I related a bit too well to people with some serious mental illnesses.
Now I fully realize that relating to be people who are "crazy" (and I mean that in the most endearing way) does not make one crazy. But as I said I was already unraveling... Despite my best efforts. And then the poor old bugger who used to be a "boyfriend" became a horrid obsession, which for the life of me, I could not get around... My mind seems to work that way. It was the first time I really realized and faced the fact that I obsessing over things in a way that is totally dysfunctional and despite my best efforts, I can't just "forget about it"... I am sorry old boyfriend and his wife to bring this up, but it is what it is and the best I can do is face it. So I started running more and taking supplements and reading more books and even going to counseling more...and many other things (like writing). They helped and they didn't.
You know, I think it might be a bit easier initially if I were just out right crazy, or if I did have a major breakdown. But I'm not and I haven't. I just have a body that reacts with shots of adrenaline for really silly reasons or even no reason at all. I have a brain that can't decide what it is, on any given day but is smart enough to somehow hold it together. I get terribly stuck in thinking patterns that I am still learning tricks to get out of (sometimes they work, sometimes I just have to go to sleep). I mimic cycles of a bipolar person and yet I have plenty of in between time. I have an irrationally and embarrassingly short fuss and all sorts of other issues.

So am I crazy? Not anymore then the next person because I am choosing to deal with it. I take medication now. I tried really hard not to. But you hit a point where trying to stay ahead of yourself and your "moods" is so time consuming and exhausting that it is not only not worth it, but also more fair to family and those around you (especially your kids).
... That and I rolled my car with my two kids in the back, all because I was "up" and overly confident. We miraculously all survived shaken but unscathed, I only had one minor cut on one finger. The car was a total, fortunately we were not.
That is when I took my sisters advice and "found a way."
Sooo that is the bulk of my sanity-in-a-nutshell but what sadly solidified the reality of it all was my brother's death, but I'll save that for another day...
Have a happy and mentally responsible day!