Am I Crazy?

2012-01-30T08:30:00.000-08:00

I feel blah. Tired. No motivation. No energy. Confused about life and how to live it. Not sure where to go. Who to turn to.

I want change.
I just want to feel happy and positive.
I want to easygoing.
I don't want to be so hard on my kids.
I think sometimes I take things too serious.
I am tired and truly I want to call in to work.

... It is tempting...

I want happy, but I don't know how.

2012-01-12T21:09:00.000-08:00

Have you ever looked at a person and felt as though you were looking into a mirror?
Not that the person looks just like you but rather something about them seems to reflect something about you.
You can't quite put your finger on it but you know you are seeing just enough of you in that person to wonder exactly what it is they are reflecting that you truly relate to.
I wonder if they ever feel the same way?

Who's who and what is what

2011-11-10T08:06:00.001-08:00

Have I ever said that I hate taking medication?
I decided to try going off the old lamictal. I've been taking it for about two years now. It has been good. I would say definitely what I needed. But now I'd like to detox. That and I never can tell exactly what is what. I have impatience. Is that medication or is that nurture or is it the old scarr from a head injury? I don't know. I have been so unmotivated and there are acne issue's. Could this be related? I don't know.
I quite taking the antidepressant months ago and other then some anxiety that seems to have mostly subsided, I have been fine. ...No wait there have been a couple of times that I have experienced a little darkness, but nothing to concerning and nothing that has lingered. I am OK there.
I quite taking the antibiotic I had been on for acne for the past year and a half because I just don't like the idea of it and it was not completely wiping it out anyway. I think I could probably control that better with diet if only I could relocate that motivation and will power.
So there is just one left before I can completely detox my body. But that is the scariest to try to go completely off of. And as always any little change will have me wondering and guessing what is what. I suppose it is good that I don't just go off without thinking about it and am concerned with keeping myself in check. No, not I guess, it is good. The thought of some of my previous feelings and being is pretty horrifying really.

And that is just it... It is horrifying. I am starting to have tears well up and my throat is getting tight as I once again realize that my brain has the ability to get really screwed up. That it has been very screwed up and it really can suck bad.

I was down to half the dose of lamictal. After a week of being pretty much fine, things got tough for two days. Just an intense tired and the world was looking a bit stranger then it has in awhile. A couple of times over the past week-and-a-half I have felt some intense excitement, something that used to be quite common for me, swelling up inside my body. It is the kind of excitement that if it continued to rise (like bread dough) it would explode from my body and I don't know that I could handle it.

I've heard a romantic ideal of letting go of all inhibitions... What a terrifying thought.

Thing is we just did the daylight savings switch, the season is changing (and in a hurry) and I've been trying to stay away from the Halloween candy that I have allowed myself to over indulge in. All of these things could attribute to my slight changes in brain function...
But I still got scared and jumped my dose right back up to the previous increment. Am I a chicken? Or am I being smart?

I don't know. I just want to be me and not have to always be guessing what is what.

Lately I've liked the idea of blaming some of my negative traits on my adolescent head injury. It might help blaming some of the intense anger and impatience that I can be prone to on brain damage.
The other day when I was overly angry with my husband for a miscommunication, that I was likely just as guilty in, I was able to allow myself time to settle down without saying as much and venting as much. The feelings can be so intense that in the moment I am sure I will never get over it. That it is a gross injustice and possibly the end of the world as we know it. But I let it sit. this time reminding myself that this just might be the irrational thinking of an a scarred old brain. Before long, and with out inflicting damage to my husband I actually did settle down and was able to realize it was OK and I was in fact feeling some rather irrational and extreme feelings for the situation.
That is another thing. I don't have the extremes in excitement, spirituality and depression (Heaven AND Hell) with lamictal but I've got the intense anger and impatience still. Then there is memory and focus... Focus was bad before, maybe worse not sure on that one. But the memory, though it was not great before, now I feel like I am getting Alzheimer's.

So once again what to do? Dropping a bit seems like it has been good. Maybe I should just stay here for awhile.

Nomads

2011-09-22T11:16:00.000-07:00

"Hello darkness my old friend. I've come to talk with you again." "Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high...why oh why can't I?"

Depression seems to be peaking it's ugly head again. Yesterday I had a lot I wanted to write and say. Today is just another day those thoughts all blown away. But I am tearful.
I wish to disappear.

Yesterday I saw myself on a street corner with all of my belongings. My long blond hair radiated the highlights that only days spent in the sun can achieve. My skin had formed a protective layer of tan against the sun. I was not alone but had a travel companion. A man equally as unassuming but unshaven and nicely weathered.

It was not actually me. The couple did not appear to be unhappy. They did appear to be somewhat vagrant or maybe nomadic would fit better.

I noticed the lady most.
She was unlike your typical obvious vagrant person in that her hair was somewhat neatly pulled up into a single ponytail appropriately placed, much like mine so often is. She, at least in observation while passing, seemed rather clean. Neither had visible tattoo's or cigarette hanging from lip or limb. There was no card board sign visible. They both looked strong and healthy. Enough healthy mass that you had to be confident they were not starving. They most certainly lacked the emaciated look of drug depleted addicts. But it seemed obvious by their somewhat tidy mass of belongings and there weathered skin that they have not been home for awhile, nor spent much time indoors.

I felt a longing.
Though they were weighted down by a few belongings they did not seem to be weighted down by the world.
Maybe my perceptions were skewed by my own discontent but oh what a wonderful way to live.
If I were to allow myself I could make up a million stories to attach to this atypical pair, but I do not wish to bind them to the negativity's of my realizations of reality nor limitations of my imagination. I want to keep the vision in my head of this couple pure and simple.

I would have liked to have driven by again.

Lost in Mental illness.

2011-03-01T11:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I got to have lunch with an old dear friend with whom I do not get to see much. Some things that we talked about made me think and I am feeling "inspired" to post.

This dear friend was expressing some concern and frustration with a family member who had broke down and is dealing with some serious mental health issues. In talking, my friend said one thing that made so much sense and I think happens so very often. She said
"it's like she is lost in mental illness."
She totally hit the nail on the head.

This friend said another thing at a different point in our conversing that day that in retrospect made a nice connection.

She asked what it was like for me. How I was different with and with out medication. She was interested because I have always been "functional." It's logical that one would wonder the difference.

It is hard not be frustrated and sometimes critical when we know some one who seems to fair better through something similar. And especially if we have endured some seriously hard hardships in our own lives.

That is human nature and it can be (in my opinion) a productive coping and building strategy.

However it is important to note that we are all different, have had different experiences and have different levels of, well, everything (various chemistry of the body noted here) that cause us to react differently. There is so much going into a persons mental health.

Going back to the conversation. I was explaining some of the things that she, and most, would not see unless I hit a breaking point. A point at which I no longer could keep my insanities hidden and/or myself "functional" in the public eye.
One thing I mentioned was the intense anger and sometimes violent feelings and urges I would have to fight. She responded "and that's not you."
She is right THAT is NOT ME.
We were roommates in college. And when I say roommates I mean we shared a room more close in size to a closet then a room. It fit a bunk bed, barely, and not much else. We were close friends, we shared just about everything and knew each other well. It is nice when there are people in the world who know who you are and were for just that and not for a degenerative disorder that changes things.

She is absolutely right, that is not me.

I am an optimist but I struggle with a very dark, negative and hopeless depression. I am a deep thinker and quite logical, always have been, but there are times when I can be quite irrational and ridiculous. A black hole of open-minded-ness. It's incredibly embarrassing to look back at. It scares people away and there is often no recovering- no winning them back.

One thing I do know is that I have been fortunate enough to have felt "normal" in my life. At least what I like to think is normal.
I think I likely had a head start on dealing with mental health issues when I was put away for a day, against my will, by some one in authority, and I had to face something I knew little about, did not understand and did not know if I accepted anyway. I was also put on a medication that was not only extremely hard, if not impossible, to get off of but worked. It took a year to get me there, but it worked well enough.
I also had good influences and accepting friends. This dear friend being one of those. My family loved me and though they did not (yet) understand and did not know if they accepted it as a true ailment, they tried. They did not abandon me but they also DID NOT enable me or excuse bad behavior.

This dear friend is right that is not me.
"That" was MOSTLY mental illness, some the result of an old head injury (brains don't heal and head injuries change things).
But I still had options. I am not a victim of my chemistry, my disorders, my illness, what ever you choose to call it. Or even my injury.

I realized in those little grains of wisdom from my friend that if we do not want to become lost in our mental ailments then we have to know and/or decide who we are.

Holiday Blues.

2010-12-27T10:58:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure if it is too much sugar, not enough veggies, lack of exercises and sun or just me (OK I know better it is linked to all of that).
But I feel a bit low. Sometimes I feel "depressed" at the prospect of being "depressed" and that is just stupid.
I still DISLIKE taking medication. Sometimes I feel a bit numb and I often wonder do I really honestly need this? And WHY?
I think I can fix it on my own... even still and probably more and more as I am "normalized." My smart little brain knows that there is really no such thing as "normal" so why am I medicating.
I'll be honest, I greatly dislike the depression and I think I am probably more willing to continue on medication to keep those nasty feelings away. Every now and again I get a little wave of it, and I can tell you that it is most certainly physical. I've waken with that dark, anxious, nastiness and just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I hate to say it and I know that life is not fair and also that I've got much that I am so blessed with (my list would be too long to publish) but my mind still is thinking it at the moment... it's not fair. I said it... I know that one really never knows but it is easy to know that some really do not know those demons of death and darkness.
blah blah, this my whining for the day.
But sometimes I feel sad at the prospects before me and some of my beloved family members (like my very intense five year old son who has already made references to death as an escape, and no, he has not heard it from us. He will be an entry focus another time). What will happen to me in the insanity of the world and my own mind? Must I be medicated? I just want to be free. But I am sure that is the desire of most people in this world, just for different reasons and trails.
I guess that is where some of the longing for death comes from. Though I don't feel it now, my logical brain recognizes it. It also recognize that though we have all sorts of religions and various beliefs of the after life we really don't know what awaits us and "freedom" in death could be nothing more then an illusion.

I feel better writing.
Thanks to anyone who cares to listen. Thanks even more to anyone that feel what I am saying.
I quite liked my blog background today... Maybe it will stay awhile after all.

The other side of the glass

2010-10-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

I remembered that I really don't like pink that much. I liked the design but it was just too pink and hurt my eyes invoking a tiny bit of nausea whenever I'd return to my blog. So I had to change my blog background.

Probably if I was really cool I'd create my own thing, but I'm not. So I pick from what is already available and that works just fine for me. There is always something that goes well with "Am I crazy" anyway.

So though I don't love the one I picked and it does not seem to be super reader friendly I picked it anyway because it reminded me of a time (not so long ago) when I felt very detached from life. I had explained it to my doctor as feeling like I was watching life through a window or from the other side of the glass.

I'll probably change it again soon.

the realities of life

2010-10-05T21:10:00.000-07:00

On another note. I miss my brother. The suicide aspect is a bigger struggle for me now then the first year. It may be because my mind and chemistry is straightened out enough that I am no longer relating so well.
I feel angry about it. It is helpful to know that is a normal and expected stage of grieving... considering my delayed development I may be angry at the forces that be for awhile.
Mostly I am sad, extremely sad about it.
I miss him and I hate knowing that he is not coming back. My heart aches because of how he died and that it was at his own hand.
I am having to face that it was not just a bad dream. I went through a extended period where I must have been half awake and half asleep because it really did seem like just a bad dream. I am pretty sure in my awake life it was just a bad dream that my asleep life would confirm as I dreamed about this bad dream that really wasn't so... I know, it's confusing.

But reality sinks further and further in. And my eyes well with tears often as I realize this new reality. I am so sad that I do not get to see him for the rest of my life. I am sad that even the dreams of him have become few and far between. They may just be dreams but it is always nice to see him. I was allowed a dream of him the other night... I woke myself up I was so excited to see him and hug him. I was sobbing as I woke and lost that moment.

I don't want to forget my brother...
I don't want him to get farther and farther away.

"I like munnee"

2010-10-05T20:34:00.000-07:00

I like to write.
I find it to be a good outlet.
Sometimes I write big ol' long e-mails. Sometimes they are answered and sometimes not. I am ok with either (usually) because I like to write anyway.

Sometimes I write random notes here and there.
Sometimes I write in journals
and sometimes on the computer like it's a journal.
I jot down ideas and epiphanies in random places to better hold on to them.

I like to read.
I sometimes like to read the things that I wrote.
I can see in the things that I wrote how I was feeling and who I was at the time of my writing.
I like to read the level me writings just fine. Sometimes they are interesting and sometimes dumb but they are easy and sometimes fun to read.
Sometimes my writings are very down and depressing. Sometimes they are angry or dark. I don't mind reading those. It often helps me feel good about where I am and the progress I have made. I can enjoy and appreciate life more knowing that I am not down like that.
Then there are the overly excited happy or anxious writings... The up writings (a bit of a manic undertone... or would it be overtone?)
I can't even make myself read those.
They are incredibly embarrassing... Though I find it hard to destroy or dispose of writings or pictures (it just feels wrong) I do occasionally throw those out in a thousand tiny pieces or even burn them.
...
And yet I felt so hyper, happy, obsessed, excited, spiritual and/or alive when I would have written such things.
...
That is all I have to say about that.
Except that sometimes I am an idiot and I hope that people can be patient. Maybe even understanding.

huh? (is it God versus mania)

2010-09-21T15:53:00.000-07:00

So I don't write so much lately. That would be due to the fact that I am now officially pretty darn boring. My smiles are week and my eyes hardly glow when I want to radiate that smile that helps people realize they are some one special. My angry reactions are mild and easy to recover from. And that intensity that people can't help but see written all over my face is seldom there and only a blush of a transcript when it is there. I hardly have any good stories to tell or much to talk about at all other then the weather, my jobs and the kids.
... so I am boring I guess, although very busy.

Now I hope that I don't sound to disappointed because the reality is that I am pretty darn OK with it. I've said it before and I will say it again, It is a fair trade off.

I feel rather stable and sane. I might even be kind of normal.

But still at times it is a struggle to figure out what is what.
And today I am really only writing for a hurting friend from a forum (I still think everyone should be friends, at least in some form).

The forum subject mentioned is titled "Is it God... or is it Mania"

I recently googled bipolar and religion (though I do not claim bipolar, my Dr. is treating me for that but he has yet to officially "diagnose" me with anything... Which is probably why I like him so well. I hate diagnoses and have done much to avoid such things. Things are going well so really, truly there is no need.)
Back to my point. I googled the afformentioned because my most recent struggles have been with religion.
I care not to mention my religious affiliations, but I am seriously at a loss, once again trying to "figure" that whole thing out... again.
I am not so sure what I believe or what I should believe. God is no longer speaking to me and when He was I was going crazy (literally). I don't feel those spiritual highs and eternal truth of understandings but I can't entirely discredit the "light and knowledge" I was inspired with. I find that when I really start trying to "understand" it all (especially in regards to doctrines of religion) I start feeling pretty crappy about a lot of things and there is so much confusion that it almost always turns to frustration. It is not my lack of intelligence that causes this. I do in fact understand that one plus one equals two. Rather it is likely due to one plus one not always equaling two in some religious aspects and literature's (and that is not just in my current religion) as well as the I idea that that is all now due to a lack of faith.
SO when God is speaking I am crazy and when he is not I am not good enough or not doing/being good enough as well as lacking in faith.

I dare not let my thoughts delve to deeply. I'd hate to undermine the current balance of medication and chemistry that I am so happy with. The balance that allows me the liberty of restricting my thoughts. Though depth has attracted me some attention, it is at a price and I am just not willing to pay that at this time in my life. Sometimes I wonder if that is "right." According to much of what I have been taught it is not and there in lies the perpetuation of the problem.

In summary. I have no idea who God really is and sometimes I am not sure if I want to know. However, I see absolutely no point in NOT believing in God and that can be explained if you wish but not now. I believe strongly and solidly in being good and having high standards and values. I see the importance of those very traditional core "family values" and I in no way wish to deviate from those. I would also like to see more of it in the world and I am quite confident if people would stop letting go off those and get back to some solid (old fashioned) values then we would have a much happier world. For that I am confident that religion is a good thing. But where do I draw the line and how do I know what the real answer to my prayers are?

What has been me and what has been God?
Well now, this turned into some rather guarded confessions of my heart.
Good night Big Big World of the Web.

2010-08-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

This is a response that I gave on a forum I found online awhile ago. I did not publish then because I do not like to label myself as bipolar especially since, as I have stated before, I have gone to great lengths to NOT be "diagnosed" (even it is just that the Dr. I see knows that I don't want it so he won't outright say it)
But anyway here it is:

"I was just googled bipolar and religion because I am going through very similar to what you are (or were) going through. I wanted to know if that was normal.
It is nice to hear that I am not alone. I am glad you posted.
It gets hard when some serious instability has some religious/spiritual roots. Stabilized on medication I no longer have the spiritual highs and divine inspirations/understandings that I once did, sometimes I miss it, but I also do not drop into the depths of Hell either. So I also tend to relate it all to mania. It is hard for me to know how much religion has played a role in that, especially being born and raised in a very strict religion that has extremely high expectations of it's members (not that that is "bad" it just has been a struggle for me personally in dealing with a disorder that I don't want to accept anyway).
It is hard to know what God wants of me.

I have also found some comfort in Buddhism, coming across it before medication this last time, but I to can still see links to that and some manic issues.

I am having some serious aversion and I am actively involved in my religion. Sometimes I find myself thinking "they are all a bunch of crazies" and yet I can't deny the good that being raised with high moral standards has been, which I know have helped me and saved me from a lot of pain (especially being mental the way that I am).
Anyway, I guess my point is that I appreciate your question and your own concerns. I also appreciate the comments that people shared, especially manic faith.

So I relate to your aversion, only since I have stayed actively involved in my church I am just finding it harder and harder to keep going. I just want to break away for awhile and try to come to terms with what I feel and not with all things that are swimming in my head of what others feel and believe and their convictions and fears... and yet my whole life I have been taught how dangerous that is so I am wracked with turmoil. But at least with the help of medication it is tolerable and I likely will not go "crazy" thinking about. I guess I just need to decide what is right for me right now and be OK with that. Who knows what the future holds.
I also agree it is not "all bad" but rather there is a lot of good maybe it is just hard to find the balance (especially coming from such an imbalanced state).
So thanks again and good luck to you."

suicidal default 101

2010-08-06T07:25:00.000-07:00

It's one of those mornings. So many thoughts have been swimming around in my head that I'd like to write about but I just can't find the time. Plus I am a bit unorganized and chaotic...
And today when I feel such a pressing desire to write I can't think of the things that I really wanted to write about anyway.
So I'll just start writing.
...The other day I was chatting (on-line) with an old high school friend. Conversation came around to my mentioning that my brother had died of a mental illness (I still don't know how I feel about that term). The friend asked "how's that?"
Now I was chatting online which means I could not really read the question or the friends understanding of what I had just said, but the particular wording later got me thinking.
"How's that"
I think that it is likely that many don't know or understand that a mental illness or even disorder can be fatal, can actually be the cause of death.
Totally a hard concept to wrap ones brain around.
But when I think of my friends from high school who lost their dad in a very dramatic and tragic suicide. When I think of my friend who I worked with when my brother died and her dad that committed suicide when she was very young. And especially when I think about my brother I know that though technically it was their own hand that would have been the cause of death that their physical chemistry was the cause more then anything else.

My brother was a good person (and the other two men mentioned). He loved life even though he despised it. He was loving, kind and generous. He was so fun and very intelligent. But he had a suicidal default that is not "normal" and, just like a cancer that is not being treated, can only be fought for so long. We don't know who gives up and who gives into death and fighting an illness but many die from things that are not considered major or serious illness's, while some "fight" for a lifetime (or what we culturally and socially accept as a lifetime and a fight).
However in such cases chemistry/physiology over whelm either the body or the soul or both and it is time to let go. In a sense Pain trumps. And with a suicidal default (I believe I have written about a definition to that self coined term) one can easily commit a fatal offence with out really meaning to "kill them self."

Here is one silly little simple personal example that I can give (and I may have given before) about how an out of whack chemistry that seems to cause said default can cause a fatality.
Once, just a couple of years ago, I was driving along the freeway while my beautiful little mind was racing through my newest brilliant life plan. But it was not just formulating a plan of how to achieve a goal that my mind insisted on working through but imagining the course of my whole life in addition. When I got to the end, which took a matter of seconds to maybe a couple of minutes at the most (racing minds work quick), BAM I was done and slamming my high speed car into the cement barriers on the side of the freeway was a flash that was almost overwhelming in the quickness and intensity of such a delusion.
I didn't, but I have experienced varying degrees of intensity and dellusion (I am sure most people have really), but had my chemistry been that much more off I could have easily and instinctively responded to the demand before I realized what I was doing and where I really was.
I was not down and there are many fortunate things to my situation but a suicidal default is something that can over ride the sensible systems and truly has to be attributed to a screwed up chemistry. Because, seriously, it is just stupid to think that under a healthy and properly functioning brain chemistry my body and mind would do that to me. Wait, they don't, when I am on an even keel. Which as of recent has once again had to be achieved with the assistance from the miracles of modern medicine. But I do know first hand the reality of the chemical difference.

Long post, I know, and I don't know that it makes any sense at all but I suppose I occasionally feel the need to defend my brother because we all knew (he had even promised us) that despite his intense and prolonged struggles with a suicidal default he would never do that.
P.S.
I don't think we realized how intense his struggle really was until he passed and then read his journal. There, it is very apparent that it was not just depression or a fascination with death but a default and a constant struggle, likely the only thing that made any real sense.

Which came 1st the chicken or the egg?

2010-07-31T20:21:00.000-07:00

???

I am a giraffe

2010-07-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

The night before last I was telling my husband that I think I would be fine to go off medication. I told him that I'm really fine and I really probably don't need it. That I really don't want to take medication so I was thinking about going off. If you have read any of my blog you would gather that I really do not like the idea of "needing" medication one bit. I want to be fine on my own.
I know that it is a typical response for many that take medication to get to the point where they feel fine and have enjoyed some stability to then think that they really don't need medication and stop taking it. I know this but still my response to my husband with all that he would say when explaining that he really didn't think it a good idea was that I was really just being a hypochondriac of some pathetic sort and that,s all. Really I am fine it was just due to this or that as to why I was such a freak before but now I can see it for what it was and I am fine.

Well you'd think that I'd have learned by now.

But then yesterday I had an appointment with the psychiatrist. It went well and he was very happy with the result and how I was doing (I like that he was happy for me, not just for the results)....
But then we got to my giraffe patches.
What are giraffe patches you ask?
Well no one really knows.
I'll do my best to explain. In about March or so I noticed a circle on the side of my torso. It looked like some one had stuck a suction of some sort (you know how it works, suction on the skin and leave the red circle. A common gag that people will pull leaving a red embarrassing mark on the chin or what have you). I thought it weird because I couldn't figure out where it came from. So I watched it. It didn't go away. Then I started noticing other "circles" only some were oblong and they were various sizes. At that point I believe there were five ranging from about an inch in diameter to one that stretched from my shoulder blade to the center of chest in front. They are a very faint red outline. They are not elevated, scaly, itchy,or anything else for that matter. Just a faint red outline. Oh, and they grow. As they grow there shape does not stay so circular but change to shapes that resemble something more like the shapes of a giraffe spots (not the color, color stays the same). But unlike a giraffe they will actually converge with each other. Now these lovely spots are rather faint and limited to being only places hidden by clothing on my torso. Like I said, they do not itch or bother me in any way. I did call the psychiatrist office when I first noticed them (per the medication disclosures request) but they did not recognize them as symptoms of any major problems due to medication but strongly suggested I see a dermatologist. Which I did and he was baffled (though he was a seasoned PA)but not super concerned. So I haven't worried. However they are reproducing and I have quite a few more.

Back to my appointment with the psychiatrist. He was concerned. Something about it possibly being an indication of other potential problems, I don't know. But he suggested that I go off the Lamictal very slowly, stay off it for a few weeks and see if the "spots" go away. I guess said drug can effect the skin and apparently he is concerned about it if it is obviously getting worse.

You might assume that I was happy to have permission to taper off. I would have assumed it. But after having the conversation with him about how well I was doing and the conversation with the husband the night before, I suppose I recognized a thing or two and I was not supper thrilled with the idea of going off... just yet. Rather I was quite nervous about it. I like the way that I feel these days and I guess that out ways my desire to not take medication.
But the doctor said it would be the prudent thing to do.
He concurred with me trying to go off the antidepressant first just to see if it might be a combination of the two that might be the culprit. Though he didn't seem to think it was too likely I think we are both hopeful that maybe just maybe that will work (and I will loose my giraffe spots).
Well I guess we will see.
Here is to a new adventure!

a high schoolers longing for death

2010-07-27T13:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I start cleaning and going through things, finding new homes for stuff, I find junk from my past. Today I found a binder containing some Jr. high and high school English papers and other writing assignments.
In one particular high school project I mention death and dying at least three separate times. All three are obviously in reference to me dying and one specifically mentions my desire to die.
I know that nothing ever came of this but I wonder how common it is for high school students to write about death and their desires for it that it would not raise some concern suggesting to the teacher that maybe they should recommend the child to some one or at least mention it to their parents?

To Write or not to Write?

2010-07-24T10:50:00.000-07:00

Not

2010-07-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

I mean to write more on this thing more often then I do anymore. Honestly lately it I lack the modivation and desire, mostly because I do feel so normal. But I am being a bit of a bum right now getting sidetracked by the computer so I might as well write something right?

Though I know that I am really truly not normal and never will be (I say this with presumptious sarcasm because I know there is really no such thing as normal anyway) I must say I rather like feeling so "normal."

I like that I am stable. I am curious about my "lack of spirituality" but I am glad to not be floating so far off into outerspace and sinking down into the depths of hell as well.
Really I am rather boring any more and yet I am totally ok with that.
The other day I awoke to the slight feeling of darkness that I used to know so well and then didn't realize how crappy it really was. It was slight and likely due to a few days of not going to bed when I should have and some of the stresses that are not ussual daily stresses.

It was a good reminder.

I visited my parents and the room that my brother died in recently.
It was hard.
It is hard to think about my brother and how he died. In my current mental state I have less comfort about what happened. I forget that I understand how and what can happen so easily. That little shadow of darkness helped me remember.
I know that what if's and I wish I had's accomplish nothing... Uneless you do something that may be able to help someone else suffering somewhere else with or from something similar. For that I really really wish that I could have somehow let my brother know how bad it was and how good it really could be. How some of those feelings and darknesses that we accept as part of who we, are and often attempt to self medicate in so many other ways, really are something else that we really don't have to tolerate or suffer through. I wish he could see, feel and know how much better, happier and so much easier life could be...

... it is sad to know that I can't.
It was heartbreaking to read his diary and see how much he really was suffering. To see the signs that now, knowing what I know, would seem so very obvious.
It had been such a long time that he struggled that he could not seperate it from who he was. Our lack of understanding and acceptance of mental disoders and illness's really did cost him his life in so many ways, more then just the physical end. He was not a depressed person but he did have depression and battled it tenaciously. And his pendulum would swing, whether that was due to a very strong solder who was fighting just depression or if it was something altogether different who really knows but he did fight the lows and he did still find ways to enjoy life and he most certianly had highs. He also had ruminating, possibly obsessive, thought patterns that were very obvious as well. But he tried so hard to be all that he could be and yet in the end he had no idea how bad his own illness/disorder was even though he was aware of it. He had no idea how bad it was becasue he had never come completely out of it. He had not had the opportunity to experience what I am now enjoying. He never got to completely loose touch with that suicidal default and realize how foriegn and strange such a mental state of being really is.

what more can I say?...

identity

2010-06-03T10:59:00.000-07:00

Everyday, before I really start my day I take a pill. Every night before I go to bed I take another (different) pill.
Sometimes I am unsure if this is really who I am "supposed" to be or who I am. I have to look back and remember who I "was" and then I am mostly OK with it again.
I have lost some intensity. I care a lot less about many things. I have gotten lazy in many ways and my brain seems slow and more forgetful... But then again...

Yesterday a friend told me that I think creatively. That I seem to look at things at all angles and I can analyze things form inside and outside of the box. I told her that I felt like I was losing that. But the consensus was that though it has in fact lessened (the depth, frequency, and intensity of my thinking and analytical skills) she reassured me that I still think "creatively."
To me it is nice to hear people say "I never thought of it that way." Especially if it is ended with a "thank you."

Not what I thought I would write today but sometimes our lives, our hands and our minds take us places we did not intend to go and sometimes that is OK.

oh the places we will go

2010-05-10T12:29:00.000-07:00

I feel inclined to write often. I intend to write on very good days, but that rarely seems to happen. It seems that I manage to make time and make it a priority on the not so happy days anymore...

So I suppose it goes without saying that I am not so up today (but I'll say it anyway).

I am over all fine and happy enough most of the time. I am glad to have rather steady and much more consistent moods and personalities (yes, that is meant to be plural). But sometimes I wonder and sometimes I am not sure if this (my metal state) is where I am meant to be. Sometimes I feel anxiety sneaking in, trying to reestablish it's regular presence. Sometimes I miss the more intense ups in their various forms. Sometimes I am not sure if "this is normal" or do I need to up a dose before my brain gets too far ahead of me.

Over all I am glad. I think it very likely that my shorter hours spent sleeping and the way that I have been able to safely let my guard down in so many ways is starting to catch up as I may have let it down a bit too much (as it so often goes), but only a bit . I suppose things are always going to be a bit more complicated. But then again I think the psychology of every individual is very complicated and in that I am no different. I must say that, if anything, I am lucky to be so aware of mine and how to handle myself realizing my weaknesses and knowing the boundaries and when I am getting to close. I think in many ways I am probably ahead of the game. Maybe I am overly confident but I have had a lot of practice...
Yet, then again, who knows what age has in store for me.

Life is always an adventure. One Grand Adventure

and I intend to enjoy.

here today, gone tomorrow

2010-03-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

I feel like writing, though it has been awhile and likely nobody reads this anymore anyway. that is the beauty of this world wide web, you can write to your hearts content, pretending there is someone out there listening, and hoping that maybe just maybe you will make a difference somewhere to somebody...
What a great outlet we have in the Internet. See I feel better already.

I have been thinking as well as not thinking and at times trying not to think. Anxiety is creeping back in. It may be that I am a bit tired. It is nice that I can stay up much later and not crash (or explode) multiple times the next day... but then maybe that is how it sneaks up on one. Hypersensitive at least keeps things from sneaking.

I am feeling rather hollow...
I think about my brother everyday. I went for awhile with out. There was a bit of time where when I did think about him I believed he was fine and when I would remember that he had died I was sure it was just a weird dream. It wasn't real and I liked it that way... Until I'd see the plants in the living room and the few little things that I have out, like the little framed picture my other brother gave each of us of him (deceased brother) as a boy on one of our family camping trips in a dry field holding matches (that was (name with held)him) and then it has to be real. Though I still really didn't believe, sometimes certain the plants had come from somewhere else. When I found the picture and poems that were a tribute to him for his funeral that is when I lost it. I put that out. I suppose I should live in the "real world" and remember what really happened. But I don't want to.
It bothers me.
Once a doctor said something about religion/my beliefs keeping me alive (instead of actually killing myself when that was really the only thing that made any sense at all). He said something about others of the similar backgrounds claiming that. But I am bit different (the Dr. has also told me that) and truth be known I believe it is said religious convictions that contribute as much as the detract from the desire to die. Sometimes religion bothers me. I see the need and understand and all that, I even agree with much, but lately I am tired of feeling like we live only to die.
I am tired of everything being about an afterlife. I am tired of feeling like I have to do and be so much more then I am.
I wonder if my brother ever felt any of these things. I wonder how much feelings of, being a failure and/or wanting to be done with it because we are merely living to die anyway and since he knew he was so far from "perfect" then what is the point and he felt done, contributed to his current condition.
I am not done. I am just tired of living to die.
I am mad that my brother shot himself in the head.
I am annoyed that I take drugs everyday just to feel like this and yet not taking them is so much more annoying or at least difficult.
I want to run away to my warm sunny beaches with mountains behind me and forget about everything and everyone...

well I suppose I feel a bit better now pretending that my voice and heart might be heard.
good night sweet Internet world.

Oprah and Bull@#%*

2010-03-23T20:29:00.000-07:00

E-mail to friend turned therapy blog entry:

I read an article in Newsweek about Oprah. The title was something to the effect that "Oprah may not be so good for your health." I really liked it and was impressed that any one in the media would dare breath even a remotely ill word against the omnipotent Oprah. The article was basically about how all things on Oprah are not always completely accurate. They hit on the "Secret" crap she has pushed and endorsed and it was refreshing to hear that others out there realize that just because Oprah says it does not make it gospel and just because some one successful can market an idea does not make it true. I wish that we really could be and have what ever we want just by vibrating positive thoughts but unfortunately it just doesn't always work that way, no matter how hard you believe and practice and all the bull... I get annoyed any more at having that type of "conviction" shoved down my throat and held over my head telling me that all negatives in my life are a result of my lack of putting out positive thoughts, beliefs and energy. It is just the re-packaged idea that "you only have problems because you are a sinner" or "you lack faith." And if that be true then I suppose I really am just a pathetic sinner of a thing. But it is also quite possible that these ideas, when taken too seriously or held onto with extreme conviction can result in some interesting sanity issues for some of us...

I totally just broke into a "write for therapy" session. I think it is the relief that you are well coupled with my Oprah experience of the day that led me down the path to express and confront the feelings and idea that I think it bullshit that we are completely responsible for all the troubles our selves and/or families may have. That and I still hate to take medication. It is always very tempting for me to think "all I need to do is think more positive." when the reality is that was kind of a huge part of the problem, thinking that I could think myself out of "it." Though I really believe in energy work and the power of positive thinking and so many more things all I can say is; can't we be realistic about it people? seriously.

and that is all I have to say about that.

PS, two and a half plus months and counting on what has seemed to hold as an even kill.
mood stabilizer appears to be helping.

out with old in with the new... over and over and over and over... again

2010-01-14T12:37:00.001-08:00

Though December was OK, I think, once again, I thought I was doing better then I really was... though no shrimp in the closest. definitely on the high side of moods.

Christmas snuck up on me and was hard.

I found myself abandoning my in-laws a few times (in the three days we were there) just to wonder into the red rock.

Christmas day was melancholy for me. I went to find batteries and just couldn't head directly back and found myself driving aimlessly in the direction of the most uninhabited red rock in the vicinity. I found a beautiful area with a canyon that was just a bit of a walk from the road and though I had to hope a fence to get there. I tore my pants going between the barbed wire, then headed to to the hills...

I stayed for what ended up being a few hours. I found a nice little secluded canyon where I stayed talking to people who weren't there, God and Jason, the mountain and myself... I didn't feel that anyone but the mountain was around to listen. I felt as if Jason was aware of me but not close... it was OK though. Sometimes it we need alone time.

I found a beautiful picturesque piece of sandstone with rough circles of different beautiful colors. Though I knew this was it's home it seemed so overlooked and unappreciated in it's surroundings so I accepted it as a gift from the mountains and/or higher powers.

I struggled. feeling flat, dull and boring for a couple of weeks. Realizing that I have been floating off into outer space and embarrassing myself many many times this past year.

I started having dreams about my decieced brother that were vague and distant (though it is still always nice to see him).

In one dream, probably the only one that I remember any detail about, he was alive. It was the past, before he had gone. We (his family) were all unsure what to do, what we could say, how we could stop what we knew was coming and yet hoping that by not mentioning it we could somehow do something to change the outcome... It was heartbreaking.

Since then I feel like I have finally woken up (though that has been much longer then just the past year). I feel grounded. It is nice to feel like I am part of the world and not like I am watching life and the world from the other side of the glass.
I am on a mood stabilizer now and it has just been within the last few weeks that I have increased to an amount that would make any significant difference. I hope that this will help me stay grounded a little... no, a lot, better.
Though it was filled with many grand adventures, I am glad that the past year is over. I am not a hundred percent sure where I am at in the grieving process, maybe a bit in denial, or maybe I am just accepting of it/about it. I am really not sure... Either way, they can both be productive coping strategies. I am sad, I might be a tad angry, and it is bizarre, but I am done with living to die. I am ready to live to live. I don't want to be worried all the time about how fragile life is and consumed with thoughts of the after life and what it may look like. I want to live today for today, for myself and whom ever may cross my path that day. I want to live for the adventures and enjoy all of them, big or small.

I hope that I may stay here a while... though one really can not know where life will take them...

And though I have likely been here before it all seems new... I suppose that is a bonus, it keeps life interesting if the same old things always seem new.

Cosmic Realms

2010-01-12T11:19:00.000-08:00

Here's the thing...
Sometimes I float off into outer space
(you might call me a space cadet)
and when I return back to earth I am often embarrassed...
I have been going back and forth for awhile now...
Sometimes I am not sure who is feeding whose insanity.
I hope that people will not take this personally,
what ever that may mean.

I am finding the ground again.
I hope I will stay here awhile.

I am tired of living to die.
I am alive,
and that is where I want to be,
in the here and now.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T08:43:00.000-08:00

I am dynamite.
I am glad that I am somewhat intelligent.
I am glad that I was raised with very well defined and high set standards and values.
I realize more and more how lucky I am.
I am glad that my intelligence, values, standards, and expectations of others helped me to not act on so much of the insanity in my head.
I am glad that I always somehow had an sanity chip that somehow managed to hold the chaos together, even if it was a very small chip.
I am glad my sanity chip never broke... (completely)
I am glad that there are "engineers" who have helped my chip function better and helped to sort out the chaos.
I am glad that I was not just let go but that one man, an officer of the law "over-reacted" to my "warped sense of humor."
I am glad for my family and friends. That I have people who relate. That I have people who don't always relate but are patient with me.
I am glad for Christmas and the reason for it.
I am glad for a God that has given me a beautifully bizarre and complicated life... Otherwise I'd probably be bored, and likely quite destructive.
I am glad that I can see this and appreciate it.
I expect miracles
and sometimes I get them.
Life is good, friends are good, family is wonderful and I am happy.

It's just me

2009-11-26T06:37:00.000-08:00

Sometimes things people say and do get me thinking. Sometimes things I say and do get me thinking... But I'm pretty much always thinking so maybe it would be better said that they can direct my thinking.
Sometimes I say and joke about being "crazy." I am rather open about my mental health issue's these days and maybe I need to be more careful. Though I'd like people to just see it for what it is, accept it, embrace me for who I am, and then laugh with me about it, I realize we still have a long way to go before things of this nature are understood well enough to reach my ideals.

So I've been thinking about what I am and how to explain it to people that I may have frightened so that they understand.

Before I was so keenly aware of what a "mental" brain potentially looks like I'd say I was most certainly at risk of many "mental" things. Such is the case with everyone you meet, you really don't know what's going on in someones head, possibly even your own.

In my head there was a lot of noise. That may be the best way to explain it.
I would have racing thoughts and I would have flashing thoughts. I once went to a concert where they had a video playing that was basically flashing different images, only staying on them long enough to know that they were there. I liked that I could point out to my husband "that is what it is often like inside my head, images flashing almost constantly."
Fortunately for me I am a very logical analytical and practical person. Unfortunately for me just about everything I see and learn sticks around somewhere in my head even if I can't utilize it productively. Which I usually can't do in this state because there is too much going on and it takes all my energy just trying to sort through the excess amounts of crap floating, whizzing and crashing into each other freely inside that little head of mine. But all the imaginative things I have been subjected to and all of the logical things I have been subjected to in addition to spiritual, religious, social, etc, are each formulating an argument, analyzing and trying to process all things I encounter, seen and unseen. I remember in high school thinking I had a small sanity chip that somehow held all the chaos together keeping it from destroying me.

Now maybe all this noise is what cases my anxiety issues but there are times, even now when my mind is not so out of control that I can feel that "anxiety" just right below the surface. The best way that I can explain this is something like endorphins rushing up in response, or random, to events that do not merit such a response. Anxiety can also be excessive nervousness or worry, but maybe it is these responses that case me to worry and be nervous.

Then I can get stuck in ruminating thoughts. I think that might better fit me over the term obsessive. But ruminating thoughts that last for days, weeks, months and even years may have then turned into an obsession... but then again I am not sure. All I know is the old cliche "just get over it" somehow does not magically work when one is sincerely stuck in genuine rumination. Rather it just adds another element to the rumination and helps the ruminater despise them self or what ever they may be ruminating over because they aren't "just getting over it".

Then there is the issue of ups and downs. Highs and lows. This is the most interesting, most fun and most awful of all. There are times when I didn't "suffer" so much from these "episodes." It is possible that all that noise is the cause of these. The possibility being that one side of my brain wins an argument causing an upward swing but then the other side fights again and wins causing a down all the while the "real" me, somewhere in there, gets a chance now and again and I get to experience level. That's an idea but the ups and down seem present even with medication though not as severe. It is also possible that they follow a hormonal cycle as they are quite regular. I am not sure about this "instability" at all but I do know that I like it to be less extreme since floating off to euphoric plains, though fun, can be dangerous and sinking down to the hell that is within me is not fun and takes every once of strength to fight. As early high school I remember being afraid to be too happy because I knew what it would be followed by.

These things are not so frightening to the outside perspective and apparently easily hidden, intentional or not. They are not so dangerous in early stages. Had I not been made aware and had I not started to look into some of the suggestions that were made to me then I'd still be accepting them as part of who I am and I'd still be headed down that slippery dangerous slope to "insanity."

But I am not yet insane and I don't think I'm even on the path anymore as I have done much to understand these issue's and amazingly medication gets rid of most of it.
The noise is gone, likely focused into one voice that is my own. The flashing thoughts are a distant memory. Though I may think about things a great deal, my thoughts are progressive and if they are not productive or become undesirable I can change them or be rid of them. At times it may require some effort but it's possible. The anxiety seems to come in forms that, to me, seem what they are intended to be for, to help keep me in line when I might be heading off. An example: at the store I want to buy something that we really don't need, anxiety about finances will keep me in line so that I am not buying excessive amounts of toys and crap that we really don't need. As for the ups and downs, currently they are still present though much less severe. We (being my doctor and I) are working on those because I'd like to be more level. I'd like to be a bit farther from the edge. In addition, when one thing is slipping it is quite possible the others will be following.

So this is a long entry but I'd like my friends to be at peace with my "crazy." I hope that they can accept me and know that they can trust me.

Tis' the Season

2009-11-20T09:05:00.000-08:00

I am hopeful and happy this morning. I feel quite "normal." I am thinking that medication just might be keeping up with me enough and will likely just get better.
My highs aren't so high, my lows aren't so low (or long) and God does help me to pull out of it quickly when I turn my heart over to Him(again and again). This is a good sign and I am more patient and so much more often the mom (and person) I want to be.

Of course it is early in the day so we will see when those hours roll around that are often so unbearable (usually around two or three pm). But I slept fine last night, I don't feel so euphoric and I even feel like eating yet not looking to eat just for a burst of energy or something satisfying.

I remember the words of a dear old friend who once reminded me that sometimes the benefits of medication far out weigh the side effects. It still took me a couple of years and some progressively harder times to heed his advice but now that phrase runs through my mind often and I am grateful because really it is so much nicer here, for me, my family and I am sure others.

I am grateful and Thank you friend.

2009-11-19T17:13:00.000-08:00

I wrote this yesterday and I hope you will (or have) read the other blog I wrote in the morning of yesterday. This would be the evening me.

Today I went from somewhat euphoric to plain and uninterested and I am about as boring as any mortal could be. But for me it is not that boring because I rarely get to spend much time here.

This also is the time I turn on people, as my affections fade into nothing but being human and I am not always a great human. And so often all the feelings that I so freely share and so passionately feel are gone and I am left just feeling human. I am sure this is quite normal. But I really don't spend too much time here, feeling like this, this is when I just live and do. But though I always think it won't and I am always certain I have it beat, the next phase will be down, down, down and I'll be battling my worthless pathetic self that has somehow, once again, suckered me out of the good traits/aspects of me.
I am sooo, so much better then I used to be and really the cycles are at a much more manageable level and maybe I really will avoid the low this time but we'll see. Sometimes it is good to expect it because then I can remember I'll be up again pretty soon. It is getting better. though I do wish I wouldn't bounce between heaven, hell and mortality so much. It gets exhausting and I am not sure how much more my little body can take of this. One day at time.

That was yesterday.

And then tonight I've found myself down again. battling my worthless pathetic self. Confused once again by everything and not sure why nothing is working to pull me out of this.
I don't feel like laughing. Things are bothersome and my patience is short, and the tears come easily as I am overwhelmed by everything surrounding me and inside of me. I am sure that I am just a silly little girl but then why and where has all that conviction, passion, and confidence gone.
Here I am often sure that I am stupid and I have made all kinds of terrible mistakes. Here my best is obviously not good enough as everything I ever attempt is a failed attempt and a ridiculous idea in the first place. Here it is hard to know who the me (or anything for that matter) is that I am supposed to remain true to. Here I am not happy and I feel irritated.
I often wonder if I have fallen prey to the devil, though God is not quick to save me when I try to turn my heart over to Him (which is something I do regularly). I suppose that could be and suggest further evidence that there is a chemical and physiological issue here, as I am not willing to to give up on my belief in God. I see no point in that and truly it is an even more depressing thought.

This is also a very forgetful place as well where it is very easy to lose sight of many things... But now I can look back and remember, mostly because I have it documented now, or at least see that I have been through this before and with faith I can feel confident that I can come out of it again.
I still have some fight left in me yet and I will not go down without a fight.

Oh how lovely life is...

I will not be defeated! (there I feel a bit better already...)

ups and thanksgiving

2009-11-18T05:39:00.000-08:00

I thought I might write.
I have been waking up a lot in the nights lately. Not as tired in the day. Not seeming to need as much sleep and even more productive.

I know what this can mean.

It does seem different in that when I am awake my mind is not completely stuck ruminating and obsessing on the same subject but rather wanders some what freely, contently contemplating some of the more interesting points of my life, while I lay relaxed and not much bothered by the fact that I am not asleep. I usually fall back to sleep, though I've been waking up easily an hour earlier on my own where I usually struggle to get up with the aid of the despised alarm.

I am happy in the day and I realize this could just be an "up". But I have yet to come crashing down. And over all I am calm and patient.

Though I do have my moments where I come down a bit or I feel the waive of chemistry that makes me shaky or a bit nervous, I am hoping that this cycle will become a bit more regular in my life.
I am hoping that the new medication that I am slowly, slowly introducing is keeping up with the excitement of life that we are currently experiencing. (it is a mood stabilizer)

I think I don't want to push it though, and I don't feel quite ready to tackle some of the bigger tasks at hand. Specifically writing about my brother, for the wise mantis, the rest of my family and hopefully the world.

I hope it will last. It seems a bit different.

Whether it be medication, interactions, lessons learned or a combination of it all, I am grateful.

and I thought I might share.

to the beat to a different drum

2009-11-15T07:19:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking I may have written about this somewhere but I am not finding a title that matches and I do not wish to read through every thing I have written (Often I do not go back and read through as somethings are embarrassing to me. But in pursuit of truth and reality I don't feel it far to "edit," though the temptation would be irresistible with some of the dumb things I write). So this may or may not be a repeat.

I have been thinking about an experience I had a couple of years ago, not sure exactly how long ago but it was somewhere between after my son started walking and before I started taking medication again (so at least a year and a half ago but no more then three and a half years ago).
We went to a large park in a city where they have a wonderful man made river play area for kids. This is a very large park and it seems there is always a lot going on. We happened to be there on a Sunday which is when the local "hippies" participate in their version of a drum circle. (hippie would be what they call themselves, though I am not sure of the exact definition and if they really fit so that is why I put it in parentheses...and my mom was a Boston hippie of the 60's. Her sisters were at Woodstock).
The drums could be heard in the background of where the children and families were busy playing in the water. As we approached the water I was pleased with the sight of children playing and families being together. As my children started playing something started to sink in that something wasn't right. I was completely unsettled. I kept looking around trying to figure out what was bothering me. I wasn't seeing it. The drums were beating in the background. Something was definitely wrong and the children's laughter was starting to bother me. I was starting to feel a bit frantic, what was so wrong with this picture. The drums were still beating. I was agitated and just about panicked but everyone else was so calm and unaffected, nothing seemed wrong at all in there perfect little world. The drums were still beating....

Then I saw it, from a slightly elevated spot where I could hear the drums even better. Everyone, the kids and adults, were moving and playing right along with the beat of the drum. It was eerie and surreal. It made me incredibly uncomfortable to see these people all moving along with a beat which they seemed completely unaware of. I was relieved and more relaxed once I realized what was "wrong." But then I was also perplexed and somewhat agitated by how people seemed so unaware of how influenced they were by what most would consider background noise or harmless entertainment.

That would be an assumption though. Maybe they weren't so unaware, maybe it was part of the enjoyment for them. I was not moving to the beat of the drum and maybe that is why it bothered me so. I did not wish to be so easily influenced. Maybe it is evidence of my heightened sensitivities and intensities, or maybe I am much more defiant and non compliant. Maybe I just need to relax and enjoy the beat, easily blending into my surroundings. Maybe I just view the world a bit differently. Maybe the others just weren't bothered. Maybe they were and hid there agitation much better under a smile or looks of boredom. Maybe they view the world differently and it just heightened their experience. Maybe they were completely unaware, maybe they weren't. I am almost certain the children were. But they're are a lot of maybes here aren't there?

You be the judge.
Are you aware of the beat of the beat of the drum to which may or may not be following?

Embellishments

2009-11-14T20:22:00.000-08:00

Recently my husband had shoulder surgery. He has been in a huge awkward sling for three weeks now. It is especially awkward for him because he is not the type who likes to draw attention to himself, especially the sympathy kind. He admitted that he was getting a bit tired of everyone noticing and all the stories everyone felt inclined to share with him about their own shoulder, knee, elbow, friend/relative or what ever.
"And they're always such a big deal," he says.
"Do you think they embellish," I ask.
"oh yeah, but everyone does," he adds.
He even claimed that he does from time to time.
Of course I had to contemplate, "do you think I do?"

"Actually no you really don't at all," was his thoughtful reply.
"If anything you minimize and down play."

Although I will confess that tonight I did find myself embellishing just a tad when my young children asked to hear a story about when I was a kid. I really don't remember very many good stories to tell and my son wants to hear a story every night (from when I was a kid)... If it's not exciting enough I'm stuck wracking my brain trying to remember another as he is not satisfied with simple, short or boring stories.

But I dare say that I typically don't embellish. I had made a conscious effort not to, for a very long time. It is not so conscious anymore, now it is just how I am. But I think it is good for people to know, especially when I expose myself so in the name of mental health awareness. I am most likely playing it down so keep that in mind as you read.

psychological thrillers and knowing better

2009-10-30T13:38:00.000-07:00

Today I watched a "psychological thriller." In the day time.
I should know better.

I already have an appointment scheduled with the psychiatrist this upcoming Wednesday because I was suspecting I'm not quite right... I suppose I really do know better.

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation."

-Jenny Kerr (no idea who that is)

The Nature of the Beast

2009-10-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

So I have been thinking...
I've been thinking about the nature of the beast. Often one who really needs to take medication for realities sake will wonder if it is really "right" and if they really should or need to. It is a huge struggle for loved ones to accept, especially after they have finally come to accept that there loved one really is "crazy," when that person decides they are fine and really don't need medication.

I will tell you that part of this decision (to go off) can be attributed to the fact that most people, on some level, are "mental." Often the feelings and behaviors or obsessive thoughts that required medication in the first place can be viewed as "normal." Especially when one is far away enough from the skewed reality, or far to deep into the skewed reality, to remember or realize how much more intense these issues were then what may be considered healthy.

Example: I would often feel overwhelming quilt.
People are right when they say that guilt is normal and healthy. Good for society even. But the farther away from the immense amounts of guilt I felt the easier it is to fall slowly back into some erred thinking patterns. Overwhelming guilt over everything wrong in the world, with the expectation put on oneself that any minor infraction or injustice you see and allow or don't fight, then you are just as responsible for is just not realistic to maintain and possibly magnified by a physiologically unstable or unbalanced state.

Another example: Before I started taking meds and and a major contributor as to why I swallowed my pride and got back on them would have been called "my temper." I would have angry out bursts, usually at my children as I could not hide from them and I am around them constantly. In a level state I do loose my patience occasionally but it is merely that and it is resolvable as me and my children aren't extremely traumatized. But with out medication they were angry out bursts and the longer they went on the worse they were getting. I was convinced that I could control these but the harder I tried the worse they would get. Yet if I did not try at all that didn't help either. My rational mind would instantly flip and it frustrated me. I would try my darnedest but to no avail. In my attempts to "control" my temper I would find myself engulfed in guilt and misery, a kind that could easily justify ridding my children of myself (personally I don't think that suicide is the worst thing a person can do). Or worse I'd find myself justifying and/or rationalizing my unacceptable behavior. Fortunately for me I have been made aware that the trip to insanity is not usually an instant snap. Their are usually some warning signs and this can be one very obvious one.

In my opinion many deviant things that happen in this world are insanity and can only be explained as a result of some seriously out of whack chemistry that usually doesn't happen over night and is fed by a many things. Paying particular attention to the state of media in general and what is widely accepted as acceptable forms of entertainment. They are not inherently bad but people really ought to be aware of what they are feeding in there pursuit of higher profits. Media is really the exploitation of body chemistry as it "appeals" to our senses and arouses reactions that we crave. So the continual pushing of the line has lead to a paradigm shift in values and what is acceptable. We are ever closer as a whole to complete chaos and complete insanity. I am a bit more sensitive than many but I am also somewhat intelligent. I see the need for values being taught and people being respectful of those things that might feed our instinctive or imaginative desires, that can be referred to as the "natural man." I see the need for a higher power and good will for humanity. I see the need for people to recognize the connection and distinction of the body, mind and spirit. There really is a need for balance between these three entities of being.

The nature of the beast (mental illness) is ill and it will cause ill will if left unchecked. As a society we have a responsibility to have values and to both teach and respect those. It is up to each of us individually to recognize when we may be "off" and keep it in check. That can be accomplished through various and numerous methods but ill behavior should never be justified, rather treated. The sooner that we recognize and treat our own "symptoms" the more manageable our mental health will be and a better results of treatment are likely.
And may I emphasize that it is increasingly important that we withhold judgement on the individual but rather treat the "illness."

Welcome to the otherside

2009-10-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

Being a genius isn't all it's cracked up to be. Having a truly open mind can create a black hole of a void. Being divinely directed can be exhausting. And knowing you must be so responsible with the powers you posses can also wear on one. It is not so easy to maintain invincible and immortal. It is quite time consuming. So sometimes it is OK to take a mortality pill that may make you boring and average at best. Sometimes boring and average are quite refreshing. Sometimes life can be much more enjoyable lived well within "the limits."

a lovely boring day

2009-10-09T20:49:00.001-07:00

Not been writing much. That is usually a good sign. Usually means I am feeling pretty "normal" and forgetting "all that."
Sometimes it is nice to be able to forget that my head may or may not be screwed on tight and that I may or may not be crazy or something close to it and that I may or may not be fully responsible for all my stupidity and insanity. So it is nice that I may or may not be "normal" but that lately I just don't care.
SO that brings me to my point of writing today.
I still feel a need to publish and post many other thoughts and crap but today I just feel kind of blah... and you know what I kind of liked it. It was like a down, depressed, kind of day where I just wanted to do nothing, waste time and sleep (and I did do those things) but it was calm. I just felt blah and I was able to just be. I lived today like I have eternity for everything else and it was nice. My head wasn't screaming or over active. The "voices" were easily identified and ignored. My kids were cute and pleasant even when they were driving me nuts or I was feeling a tinge guilty for laying down. My job was eventful but dull. But the sun warmed me a bit and I got to chase my son half way to school.
I want to sleep so much and so often that sometimes I think I might be dying. I doubt it but, whatever, I'm OK.
I am OK with my boring, down day that was not boring at all. It was nice to just feel blah and not much else. It was nice to make mistakes and have them be just that, a mistake, not the end of the world. It was really nice. What a lovely depressed day I had. (and that exclamation point totally does not fit with the kind of day it was, but I am leaving it, instead of deleting it, so that I can have to explain it because that is my boring humor today... but I really didn't like the way it looked when I read over this again so I deleted it anyway, but I am leaving the explanation now I feel a boring little laugh inside of me and I have a boring little smile... I guess I still might be crazy, oh well, crazy can be fun)

A message from the other side.

2009-09-09T08:02:00.000-07:00

Part of the misery of losing someone is divvying their remaining material items. My brother left a book that found it's way to me. It is called the "The Andromeda Strain" by Michael Crichton. It's a fun little read. Interesting concepts but there was one page that seemed to be left specifically for me from my brother. It is both funny and interesting how we will find and feel these things after some one has passed. But for me I will embrace it what ever "it" may be and share it with you.

"Like many intelligent men, Stone took a rather suspicious attitude toward his own brain, which he saw as a precise and skilled but temperamental machine. He was never surprised when the machine failed to perform, though he feared those moments, and hated them. In his blackest hours, Stone doubted the utility of all thought, and all intelligence. There were times when he envied the laboratory rats he worked with; their brains were so simple. Certainly they did not have the intelligence to destroy themselves; that was a peculiar invention of man.

He often argued that human intelligence was more trouble then it was worth. It was more destructive then creative, more confusing then revealing, more discouraging then satisfying, more spiteful then charitable.

There were times when he saw man, with his giant brain, as the equivalent to dinosaurs. Every schoolboy knew that dinosaurs had outgrown themselves, had become too large and ponderous to be viable. No one ever thought to consider whether the human brain, the most complex structure in the known universe, making fantastic demands on the human body in terms of nourishment and blood, was not analogous. Perhaps the human brain had become a kind of dinosaur for man and perhaps, in the end, would provide his downfall.

Already, the brain consumed one quarter of the body's blood supply. A fourth of all blood pumped from the heart went to the brain, an organ accounting for only a small percentage of body mass. If brains grew larger, and better, then perhaps they would consume more-perhaps so much that, like an infection, they would overrun there hosts and kill the bodies that transported them.

Or perhaps, in their infinite cleverness, they would find a way to destroy themselves and each other. There were times when, as he sat at State Department or Defense Department meetings, and looked around the table, he saw nothing more then a dozen gray, convoluted brains sitting on the table. No flesh and blood, no hands, no eyes, no finger. No mouths, no sex organs-all these were superfluous.

Just brains. Sitting around, trying to decide how to outwit other brains, at other conference tables.

Idiotic.

He shook his head, thinking he was becoming like Leavitt, conjuring up wild and improbable schemes.

Yet, there was a sort of logical consequence to Stone's ideas. If you really feared and hated your brain, you would attempt to destroy it. Destroy your own or destroy others.

'I', tired,' he said aloud..."

Hmmm.... Interesting.

The Wise Mantis once said...

2009-09-02T14:41:00.000-07:00

This is a year or two year old e-mail from my very wise and redeeming older sister who has helped me through many challenges. I have wanted to post this for some time, it's one that just I don't want overlooked.
A little back ground.
She wrote this to me when I was in a particularly delicate state. I was rapid cycling through all kinds of crap but I did not wish to visit any doctors as I had little faith or trust in them especially in this particular field. It is important for people to understand, though I am quite sane and though I am little if any risk to society in general, I do have the potential to be quite literally and legitimately "crazy." Really wish I didn't. Really have fought that. Even tried denial.
But sometimes we have to face reality and be responsible.
Just yesterday a friend who went through some bizarre panic attacks that were thus far acute to labor, was quite surprised by them. Surprised by how they came on so unexpectedly, how they affected her physically and how she really was trying to do what she was "supposed" to be doing (which was breathing). She was glad that I really did understand and could relate/explain a few things. It's like I told here "Unfortunately I relate to all kinds of crazy." (but maybe it is not so unfortunate)
Back to my point of what my sister wrote to me as I was starting to realize I needed help again. Not wanting to get to the point of a complete breakdown, I was starting to see that I really did relate to crazy yet I was not yet ready to accept it. I sent a little cry for help to my sister since she had been with me at other near breaking points in my life if she thought I might be a particular diagnosis.
I am happy she let me share this here and now because I think here writing and intellect is a very rich and savory treat.
Here is her reply:
"If you look in the genetics of this family, the environments and choices, you'll find symptoms of all of the below, with more inclination towards Anxiety and Depression. ( Not to mention Bipolar, thick-headedness and possibly glandular diseases... ; ) )..... However, each individual isn't going to fit one category explicitly. Mental health is a many headed monster with hundreds of faces. In trying to categorize symptoms into " this is depression or this is bipolar" you limit yourself and fall into the mindset of "This is what I have / This is what I am", when in fact you're probably fragments of "each", combined with YOU.
People are not the disease, they HAVE it.
There is so much people don't understand. It's been my experience that if you visit a doctor with a clinical guideline in his/her head of what the symptoms are your limiting yourself.
- There is a reason "shrinks" have a quacky reputation, because when someone puts their trust in a doctor they assume that what the Doc diagnoses is fact. Doctors are not Gods. Psychiatrists are nothing more than glorified Personal Relation directors, some more educated than others. In pigeonholing an individual you limit their success at management with a clinically closed mind because it's a mental health disorder and NOT a medical ailment, in the common sense of the word, and the damage done to the individual is nothing less than devastating and dangerous. A good quack knows this. A great one practices it.
In answer to your question, no, and yes. I feel your focusing on how to categorize "you". Don't. Self diagnosis can be an emotional roller-coaster that leaves you with too many unanswered questions and your limiting your treatment.
If you had say, a skin disorder that infected your entire body: would you only visit one Doctor for a diagnosis if what he prescribed continually didn't work? - Say it does work, would you only treat one or two limbs, hoping that the rest of you would just catch on and heal? Or, if the prescription healed most of it except the more advanced/infected patches. Would you then consider trying a new prescription or approach, or stubbornly stick to the first and take your chances?
Your dealing with the spirit here, not the body. Yes, I know it's genetics and chemicals, but what happens to your physical body is secondary to the anguish your soul / mind is left scarred with.
-Diagnosing yourself will only lead to boxing yourself in. I can guarantee your not "this" or "that". Your [You]. What your mind does is going to be different than the next. You can't categorize the mind. Period.
Even if you were to be diagnosed [this] you would like a snowflake, each [this] is different than the next. Throw in other avenues of mental health and you'll never hit the right pitch unless your open to managing ALL of your collective demons.
Self medication is hit or miss, and I can guarantee it's short lived as the "supplements" are not strong nor regulated in their consistency, to be enough. Couple that with the body's ability to overcome and figure out how to get around it, and you'll be left standing in a mind full of demons before you know what hit you. -- Take CAREFUL consideration that when the body figures it out it'll come back to bit you in the ass, usually before you even know it's coming, because it's not overnight. It's gradual, and before you know it your back at square one, oblivious that what you were taking stopped working a long time ago.
At that point your usually too consumed by your own mind to steer straight and your judgement will be skewed. Back to square one.
-- Which is why you MANAGE mental health, you don't cure it. In managing it you are able to touch bases with the doc. (one who knows what he's doing) and he's able to detect the subtle change and currents and adjust things accordingly. I know money is a factor. FIND A WAY. If anybody can, you can. Open the mind to possibility.
I've taken everything from seizure medications to hard core Bipolar horse pills. I do best on two completely different medications that I take every day. And, every year it changes. That's the nature of the beast.
If you truly want relief from the angst, open your mind and find a way, don't stand on indecision waiting for a set of rules to follow. Go forward with courage, nothing doubting, believing in yourself, have faith, keep hope at hand and all things will work towards your good. Believe that your already there and you will have the knowledge and confidence to accomplish it.
Let me know how it goes. Sorry for the lecture .. OK, not really, you knew me for what I am when you asked the question. : )"

And I absolutely love her for what she is. How could we ever really learn, grow or accomplish much with out people like her in our lives.
She often leaves us speechless, so don't feel bad if you to have to read through more then once and really have to let your brain work to take it all in and to fully grasp the idea's presented. Please take the time to fully grasp it all. It's well worth it.
Thanks for listening and have a lovely day.

Is the world against ME?

2009-08-29T19:59:00.001-07:00

I have to say that there are a lot of sick twisted people out there and it really pisses me off. I can not comprehend how people get to the point of doing some of the things they do. Like the guy who took Jaycee Dugard. Obviously this man is seriously mentally disturbed.
So is this what people think of when they think of a mentally ill person?
It angers me that people will use stories like this to justify discrimination against people who are getting help for mental illness/disorders. I think it is important to realize that discrimination should not be against people who are getting help. I think it is important to recognize that people like this are usually not getting medical help or are not choosing to be medically responsible. This guy was also a heavy drug user at one point in his life. That is important to recognize. Drugs change people and screw them up. I have NEVER done drugs. I somehow knew that I was already screwed up enough I didn't need help. I wouldn't even drink or smoke.

I will also tell you this; mental health issues can lead us to loose control. It can lead us to consider things that we have been taught are wrong and/or never in million years would consider otherwise. That does not ever excuse the behavior.
I will use me as an example. In a much less stable state, one that was not being treated with medically, I found myself fighting an overwhelming desire to "end it all." I would also find my temperament so fragile that I would snap and not be able to handle the stress of my children. My frustration or anger would be so intense that I would desire to hurt them. This is not something I care to admit and I would beat myself up tremendously over my temper and anger. I could see how irrational it was but I could not seem to control it. I would yell...
But like I said there is no excuse or justification for bad behavior and I think I would rather accept tendencies and intensities like that as mental illness and take a few pills for it, because they do help and they do an amazing job at solving the problem, then just keep on down the path that could lead to who knows where.
It is and was not fair to my children, myself, my family or society.
Now you may think that you can not trust me, but, if that is what you think, then you couldn't be further from wrong. You see I have a problem, it is a problem because I was taught better. I was taught value's. I was taught integrity and I was taught love and respect. If I had not been taught these things maybe I would not see it as a problem as I could have easily justified my actions by the worlds standards to that point.

I hate to think where I'd be, likely dead by my own hand because I'd rather be that then hurt my children. But suicide is something else that I was taught is wrong.
I think it is important to realize that there is right and wrong and obvious wrong is never ever justified. Wrong may be a symptom in which case you know to get help, not change the definition of right and wrong for your particular case.
I do not change right and wrong, I change myself, whatever it may take.
There are ways and things people can do to change their deviant selves and if medication helps then why the hell are we discriminating against people who are choosing to live responsibly while many, many, many unstable and frightening people either refuse to accept such a thing as mental illness or refuse to get help, or refuse to acknowledge that is might apply to them. I am angry.
I am angry with distrust. I am not broken. I have not crossed the line. I am quite sane likely more then most because I can admit that I have a problem and will keep myself well within a safe range but only by getting help in various forms and talking open and honestly.
So today I feel the world may be against me but at least I now know that with Gods help I can trust myself completely. At least I can honestly say I don't get it, I can't even begin to comprehend. But, I'll tell-you-what, I'm willing to give up any of my deviance to be sure that I never even come close to understanding. Can you say the same?

The imblance battle theory

2009-08-27T12:30:00.000-07:00

"Remove mood from the driver’s seat. A common trap for depressed individuals is that they aren’t motivated to participate in activities that improve their mood. They become inactive and withdrawn, which worsens and maintains their depression, Oakley said. This is where it’s key not to let your feelings dictate what you do, he added "

I read this in this article http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/living-with-depression-2/2/... Wait let me correct myself. Actually, I have not read the article but skimmed it briefly and was just struck with an idea. I've had this idea and presented it before. I think of it more as a theory: Maybe some people with depression (in the "clinical" or "major" sense of the word) aren't dictated entirely by their moods but in letting their minds dictate, the result is mania. Imbalance is imbalance. In my opinion there needs to be a balance of mind and mood in the drivers seat (and likely heart and soul and everything else...when you are aware that there is so much to balance, balance is not always so easy...)

The Wise Mantis once said...

2009-08-18T09:29:00.001-07:00

Yes, I'm publishing this post twice because I copied it over to my blog before I posted so when I posted it posted on the date that I started the post but I think it very important so I will leave it here and put it on again for todays date.

This is a year or two year old e-mail from my very wise and redeeming older sister who has helped me through many challenges. I have wanted to post this for some time, it's one that just I don't want overlooked.

A little back ground. She wrote this to me when I was in a particularly delicate state. I was rapid cycling through all kinds of crap but I did not wish to visit any doctors as I had little faith or trust in them especially in this particular field.
It is important for people to understand, though I am quite sane and though I am little if any risk to society in general, I do have the potential to be quite literally and legitimately "crazy." Really wish I didn't. Really have fought that. Even tried denial. But sometimes we have to face reality and be responsible.
Just yesterday a friend who went through some bizarre panic attacks that were thus far acute to labor, was quite surprised by them. Surprised by how they came on so unexpectedly, how they affected her physically and how she really was trying to do what she was "supposed" to be doing (which was breathing). She was glad that I really did understand and could relate/explain a few things. It's like I told here "Unfortunately I relate to all kinds of crazy." (but maybe it is not so unfortunate)

Back to my point of what my sister wrote to me as I was starting to realize I needed help again. Not wanting to get to the point of a complete breakdown, I was starting to see that I really did relate to crazy yet I was not yet ready to accept it. I sent a little cry for help to my sister since she had been with me at other near breaking points in my life if she thought I might be a particular diagnosis. I am happy she let me share this here and now because I think here writing and intellect is a very rich and savory treat. Here is her reply:

"If you look in the genetics of this family, the environments and choices, you'll find symptoms of all of the below, with more inclination towards Anxiety and Depression. ( Not to mention Bipolar, thick-headedness and possibly glandular diseases... ; ) ).....

However, each individual isn't going to fit one category explicitly. Mental health is a many headed monster with hundreds of faces. In trying to categorize symptoms into " this is depression or this is bipolar" you limit yourself and fall into the mindset of "This is what I have / This is what I am", when in fact you're probably fragments of "each", combined with YOU.

People are not the disease, they HAVE it. There is so much people don't understand. It's been my experience that if you visit a doctor with a clinical guideline in his/her head of what the symptoms are your limiting yourself. - There is a reason "shrinks" have a quacky reputation, because when someone puts their trust in a doctor they assume that what the Doc diagnoses is fact. Doctors are not Gods. Psychiatrists are nothing more than glorified Personal Relation directors, some more educated than others.

In pigeonholing an individual you limit their success at management with a clinically closed mind because it's a mental health disorder and NOT a medical ailment, in the common sense of the word, and the damage done to the individual is nothing less than devastating and dangerous. A good quack knows this. A great one practices it.

In answer to your question, no, and yes. I feel your focusing on how to categorize "you". Don't. Self diagnosis can be an emotional roller-coaster that leaves you with too many unanswered questions and your limiting your treatment.

If you had say, a skin disorder that infected your entire body: would you only visit one Doctor for a diagnosis if what he prescribed continually didn't work? - Say it does work, would you only treat one or two limbs, hoping that the rest of you would just catch on and heal? Or, if the prescription healed most of it except the more advanced/infected patches. Would you then consider trying a new prescription or approach, or stubbornly stick to the first and take your chances?

Your dealing with the spirit here, not the body. Yes, I know it's genetics and chemicals, but what happens to your physical body is secondary to the anguish your soul / mind is left scarred with.

-Diagnosing yourself will only lead to boxing yourself in. I can guarantee your not "this" or "that". Your [You]. What your mind does is going to be different than the next. You can't categorize the mind. Period.

Even if you were to be diagnosed [this] you would like a snowflake, each [this] is different than the next. Throw in other avenues of mental health and you'll never hit the right pitch unless your open to managing ALL of your collective demons.

Self medication is hit or miss, and I can guarantee it's short lived as the "supplements" are not strong nor regulated in their consistency, to be enough. Couple that with the body's ability to overcome and figure out how to get around it, and you'll be left standing in a mind full of demons before you know what hit you. -- Take CAREFUL consideration that when the body figures it out it'll come back to bit you in the ass, usually before you even know it's coming, because it's not overnight. It's gradual, and before you know it your back at square one, oblivious that what your taking stopped working a long time ago. At that point your usually too consumed by your own mind to steer straight and your judgement will be skewed. Back to square one. -- Which is why you MANAGE mental health, you don't cure it. In managing it you are able to touch bases with the doc. (one who knows what he's doing) and he's able to detect the subtle change and currents and adjust things accordingly.

I know money is a factor. FIND A WAY. If anybody can, you can. Open the mind to possibility. I've taken everything from seizure medications to hard core Bipolar horse pills. I do best on two completely different medications that I take every day. And, every year it changes. That's the nature of the beast. If you truly want relief from the angst, open your mind and find a way, don't stand on indecision waiting for a set of rules to follow. Go forward with courage, nothing doubting, believing in yourself, have faith, keep hope at hand and all things will work towards your good. Believe that your already there and you will have the knowledge and confidence to accomplish it. Let me know how it goes. Sorry for the lecture .. OK, not really, you knew me for what I am when you asked the question. : )"

And I absolutely love her for what she is. How could we ever really learn, grow or accomplish much with out people like her in our lives.

She often leaves us speechless, so don't feel bad if you to have to read through more then once and really have to let your brain work to take it all in and to fully grasp the idea's presented. Please take the time to fully grasp it all. It's well worth it.

Thanks for listening and have a very nice day.

keeping faith and fight

2009-08-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

"I know everyone has ups and downs in all journeys we embark on. Today was a down.
Today it was a little harder to be happy as the children were singing in [church].
Today I didn't feel like listening to the lesson but rather I wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep. Today I didn't want to hear the encouragement that I just need to have faith and things will work out fine. Today, I wanted to close my eyes and pretend the world would melt away into nice warm nothingness.
Why is it that when things are harder the things I need to do more are the things I want to do the least?
I am planning on tomorrow being an up day in my journey. I am also hoping that the ups and downs level out a bit in the very near future. I guess when it all comes down to it, that is what faith is for after all."

This was a blog entry of a friend (I think she writes beautifully) who is in fact going through some very hard times. Now I understand her point and on her blog they are really irrelevant to me and my blog. Yet she writes a nice introduction to a few points that have been a huge struggle for me personally and I think can be some of the big misconceptions with mental illness/disorders, and I'd like to address that.

Ups and downs are normal and I am certain most people struggle with that from time to time. But where is the line drawn? What is a "normal" human struggle and what is a physiological problem? And when is it merely a lack of faith and spirituality?

I (of course) have formed a few opinions on the matter. One point I'd really like to make is that things of religious and spiritual nature, in my experience and observation, can and will feed an imbalance. For me personally (and I've touched on it before) there are "spiritual highs."

I have often considered that my ups and manic like symptoms are simply the pendulum swing in an imbalanced state as a result of my fighting depression (or just an imbalance). If the chemicals are out of whack and I push myself to do things to make me happy or more spiritual or what ever then they will still be out of whack and I will respond to the stimuli in a different, maybe more extreme, way then if my chemistry was "better" balanced.

Does this make sense?

And which is better or worse to be down and out of balance, or to be up and out of balance? We tend to think it is better to be up, period, but I know plenty of people who know better. Out of balance is out of balance and when out of balance becomes to usual and to extreme, up or down, then there is very possibly a problem that no amount of fighting or faith will stabilize.

Unless, of course, it is God's will also. But this will continue to be a hard part of human nature to accept God's will that is not always the same as ours. I guess a point I am trying to make here is sometimes it takes faith to accept that I have a problem that I can't kick on my own. And it takes faith to tackle that problem appropriately.

I think it is important to kick things on our own, and try to solve our own problems but may I remind you that God did not put us here alone and for as much as it is an individual experience it is also a collective experience. And we are all still God's children and loved by Him no matter how His will for us may be different form our own (with our limited understanding).

Mental illness and disorders are a very hard thing to accept because, and I think my sister put it best when she said
"...in fact you're probably fragments of 'each', combined with YOU.

"...Mental health is a many headed monster with hundreds of faces.... People are not the disease, they HAVE it. There is so much people don't understand... because it's a mental health disorder and NOT a medical ailment, in the common sense of the word, and the damage done to the individual is nothing less than devastating and dangerous."

To my friend and you, or any one who ever relates to the ups and downs, I would say keep fighting, keep trying. I appreciate my friends faith, I hope that others will have that to.

But if, when life settles down, or even if it never does, if you don't adjust and you hit the point where it is taking too much time and energy to battle the ups and downs, if your efforts seem to escalate the ups to be followed by deeper downs, and/or if you ever ever start thinking of ways to help the world to "melt into nice warm nothingness," then please employ a few more forces in your army and get the help you need and deserve.

Today, Yesterday and Tomorrow

2009-08-14T13:53:00.000-07:00

Feb 26, 2009
I feel like writing but I have nothing to say… It is days like this that suck. I don’t like how real and fake life is. My brother is gone and that bothers me. A LOT.
I don’t like the quiet. Sometimes I don’t feel real. My little brother---(edit cut)... He’s not OK… I’m not OK… Life is supposed to be a grand adventure but I don’t like it right now. I’m not sure what I am supposed to do anymore.
　
About 6 months prior:
I am half laughing as I tell the study doctor psychiatrist that I am pretty sure I am a vampire.
I am laughing because I know that I am supposed to know that I am not but part of me believes that I might be. Or at least that I relate… To a fictitious interpretation of a fictitious being. It’s funny really. And I have to laugh at how I float between realities never really part of any.

Today:
I am mostly sane, my head is still a bit jet lagged and I am certain that elevation is having more of an effect then I’d like but other then being a bit slow and forgetful I think I am mostly fine.
I listened to a discussion/interview on the radio (All things considered)about a musical called “Next to Normal.” They made the point that mental illness is a life long issue…
That is when I fully realized that this would be a life long thing.
At 19 when I first got myself into “mental trouble” I was absolutely determined to not need medication for the rest of my life. I was sure that I could beat this “depression.” I was absolutely determined to be fine, to “heal,” to get “over it.” I believed that I would be... with everything in me…and after all can’t we do anything if we put our minds to it. Isn’t the sky the limit. Can’t we be anything if we just believe.
These days I feel a bit angry that we were so puffed up with these lies as children. If there was anything I learned in school it was that I could be/do anything I put my mind to. I am angry because it is a lie that we were constantly being subjected to, this push the limits type of addictive thinking. And it continues, “You deserve it” and all that bull…
I am sad because I now have to realize and accept that this is my life and I will battle with mental illness for the rest of my life… I’d really rather not.
But then I am thankful for the people I know, and that I know so many good people with “mental illness‘s.” And I am thankful that I was caught early.
I feel a sense of responsibility and a desire to help along with frustration with the current state of the field psychiatry and mental illness. It is so confusing, taboo and shunned.
I feel overwhelmed when I try to think of how I can help or what I should.
And though it is nice to feel much more stable, I will admit that at times I feel confused by my current lack of intensity .
But I am also happy that life has been so good to me.

A day in paradise

2009-08-13T15:38:00.000-07:00

We just got back from Hawaii. Huge steep mountains, beautiful waterfalls with delightful pools to play in, caves, the most beautiful blue ocean with all of its wonder and glory, jungles and all sorts of hidden treasures. Hawaii is definitely my idea of paradise (though it can be a bit crowded and unfriendly in some places).
At one point, after we had a few amazing days exploring, we were driving in the peaceful and pleasant early morning on the road back from Hana and a thought occurred to me. I was struck with the idea that, here, in paradise, maybe I would not need the medication crutch that I so despise. It was blissful thought, yet as I remembered all that I have learned, know and have been through, I recognized the error in my idealization. And I realized the reality of what the trip would actually be like, had I not been on medication...
It would have been too much.
Paradise would have simply overwhelmed me and after experiencing euphoria, that may or may not have lasted longer then usual but likely would have been even more intense, I would have been a mess of emotions that would threaten my existence. I would have a type of anxiety and adrenaline that would compare to bungee jumping out of a hot air balloon but that would continue inside me well after a hot air balloon would have landed. It would continue until I broke.
So as much as I still dislike being somewhat dependant on medication I am very grateful that I could enjoy Hawaii with them.
And so this is the life that has chosen me and I suppose I will continue to work on accepting that...

Talk is Cheap...assume little!

2009-07-28T07:30:00.000-07:00

There is a saying: " It is better to let people think you are an ass then to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
But talking openly, even if it makes an ass of me, has saved my life and my sanity more then once. It has saved our marriage and I believe it could save many people from many atrocities.
This part of me is not "mental illness" this part of me, though it may be idealistic, is a valuable asset.
Yet, we live in a world where we are not always speaking the same language even when are speaking the same language. However, I still feel it is rather presumptuous to simply assume things about others so I give them credit and have sufficient faith in them that I hope they would have in me and I open my mouth.
So here is some food for thought: when one re-considers the adage "it is better to let people think you are an ass then to open your mouth and remove all doubt," I hope people might stop to think who is really being the ass? The one speaking or the one assuming?

Saving Lives

2009-07-27T23:14:00.000-07:00

It's not enough to merely save people from death. We can save lives but if the quality of that life is not worth it to them then what is the point?

Before my brothers passing I had recently connected with two friends from high school, that are sisters, and had been two of those people that you just get along easily with, connect with, and will always cherish. After my brothers passing the younger of two tactfully asked "how."

As it turned out my gracious friends lost there dad about six years ago, he also "took his own life"... My friends shared with me about him. I am so appreciative of their compassion and willingness to share. He'd hit a point of complete madness. He was no longer himself or at least not the man that they all knew and loved. Why? He'd been OK for so long. He'd been an amazing dad, a kind and generous person. Brilliant even. but then it all started to fall apart and who knows if he got help in time. Who knows if he was even taking the "help" that he was being given. All the same he was going and then he was gone. They all tried to help him and at times even tried to save his life but those closest to him knew that it was not their life to save. They knew that merely keeping him alive was not saving him. They had already lost him... Where did he go?
Did he just give up on fighting? Had is adaptive practices been changed to the point of demise? Are mental disorders/illness's degenerative? Was it merely a matter of time? Obviously there is no sufficient nor satisfactory answer to these questions, especially to his family, he is gone.

I have another friend, with whom I was fortunate enough to work with this last year. Her father passed away a month before my brother. At one point, when I was struggling a bit at work, I asked her how she was doing and if she felt this way or that. She was compassionately willing to talk. Our brief conversation led her to tell me that it was actually not the first father she had lost (although I must tell you, as a evidence of her compassion, it was not her loosing two fathers that brought up the subject but how she felt so bad for her mother because this was her second husband to loose).
As it turned out, her biological father committed suicide when she was very young. Her father was about the age of my brother. I was amazed and so impressed with my friend and her graciousness in coping and sharing. I asked her what he was like. She explained that he was in the military. He loved to work out He even loved life often. He was kind and loving and not the type of person you might expect this from, though he did struggle with depression from time to time.

I remember thinking how both of these men sounded similar to my brother. I have often thought that if he had only gotten married and had a family of his own this would not have happened. But after speaking with these two friends about their own fathers I have realized that it is not the case. Family does not cure some one of mental illness and it does not save one from this fate. Family can do a lot for a person including improving their quality of life but in they end that alone would not have saved my brother, no matter how much they may have loved each other. There is so much more to the story here.

One thing I would like to point out is that I don't believe that such interactions and the many other bizarre coincidences are coincidences at all. I am soooo thankful that wonderful people were so conveniently lined up for me! Thank you so much my friends for sharing and for wanting to help and make a difference in this crazy mixed up world we live in!

But I will also re-iterate: keeping some one breathing is not merely enough. We have a responsibility to each other to do more and be more. And yet likewise, when it is someones time to go, no matter how painful or hard it is to understand, then it is time to let them go and love them just as well.

update

2009-07-25T08:31:00.000-07:00

So I suppose an update is in order as an increase back up to 10mgs seems to make all the difference in the world. Though I also wonder if the lovely female cycle also plays a role in some of my intensities. But I have been feeling quite a bit better and watched two thought provoking movies without becoming overly "disturbed," which always seems to be a good gauge.
Though even jumping a mere 5 mgs in the nortryptaline has caused a slight increase in the skin issues that really annoy me. I have determined it is worth the annoyance and I'll try what I can to fix that without going off of anything as it apparent I still "need" it.
But again Life is very good and I love to feel level and "normal." However, I also think it still important, for me, to (at least at times) remember how it is to feel and be on the edge of sanity. It is nice to think about how far I have come and it is probably best to realize that it I will likely push the limits of reality again. But I will be prepared and hopefully this blog and my friends can once again keep me from going completely overt the edge or bring me back if I do.

Not today, not ever!

2009-07-17T21:28:00.000-07:00

I don't feel much like writing lately. Don't feel much like talking to anyone, checking my e-mail, or writing to friends. I know that is not always a bad thing, and it is not such a bad thing for me to give the old computer a break (actually it's quite new). But lately I don't know that it is such a good thing.
I really don't feel like writing right now in fact, which is exactly why I decided to do it anyway.
Lately my fuse is shorter then I think it should be. I am obsessing a bit more and feel less inclined to be responsible... In fact the other day I realized that I am a bit impulsive. I thought I was "above" that because I am not impulsively doing off the wall horrible things... Just taking walks at odd hours in the night and angrily telling houses with there lights on to go to bed. Beating up a few trees and lurking in shadows. Plus I am not impulsive because I am not out whore'n it up or shooting up, I don't even want to do those types of things. And all of my impulsive purchases and self directed medication changes are carefully thought out usually with a grand plan and a final leap of faith. But never with out adequate obsessing!
And then there is the idea of right and wrong. Is there really such a thing. And maybe it is actually wrong for me to stick around (or at least more wrong). Maybe my kids really would be better off with an un-medicated mom who just goes with it...which usually means running away. Maybe it is better for some moms to abandon their kids over medication or alternatives... Whose to judge really?

So I am pretty sure that dropping down to 5mg's of the one medication is not so good for me. And I think that the other medications makes it so I just don't care as much that I am so darn ridiculous and fly off the handle-ish.
So friends beware, now is the time to stay away... (though I must admit that I still like for people to bounce their ideas off me...so maybe don't stay away)
I'll get it sorted out again and be back on top...back down...No... somewhere in the middle in no time...or some time... Either way, I can't wait to run away to the islands with mountains. Alas there is always something to hold on to.

I am what I am

2009-07-03T21:57:00.000-07:00

I am what I am and what you see is what you get.
For real.
So a thought I leave with you: If I am not the person I want to be and am not capable of being that person, or have only been frustrated in my attempts to be that person then I am perfectly fine with calling it a mental illness and taking medication for it if it helps me be the person I want to be! (anyone who has ever had children and has failed to practice self restraint when it comes to "discipline" might want to consider this idea also... unless, of course, that is the type of person they want to be...in which case we have just opened a whole new can of worms haven't we my friend!)
This is why I am what I am and what you see is what you get!
p.s. I love you

not today

2009-06-30T00:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just want to throw it all away and start over. Just me, the husband and the kids. I know the kids are game... Well maybe, kind of. But the husband, he'll take some convincing...
I am tired of all the things swimming around in my head. I'd like them to go away. Too many exposures to fairy tales, and statistics. Politics and Media. Books and bills. Visuals, said and unsaid expectations... Gone are the good old days of simplicity and self reliance...did they ever really exist?
Too many movies and magazines and too many people telling me what I should look like,what I should wear, what I should act like... And yet so many people have a problem with religion for the same exact reasons. Life is lame sometimes and so are people and all I can do is write about it on this lame ass blog and some people will be intrigued but most will find it a waste of their time so is that what we really are? Is that what I am and how and why? You see sometimes it is all just bullshit. Bullshit that hits for a moment and hopefully I've learned well enough by now to just keep holding on and things'll get looking better again. I still love sunsets and I still love mountains, beaches and even people. I love rocks and flowers. I love cliffs and waterfalls. I love to fly. I love the wind and the rain. I love cool evenings and stars. I love fires and birds. I love simple things... Someday I will disappear into my simplicity but I suppose not today.

Saving lives.

2009-06-27T14:09:00.000-07:00

It's not enough to merely save people from death. We can save lives but if the quality of that life is not worth it to them then what is the point?

Before my brothers passing I had recently connected with two friends from high school, that are sisters, and had been two of those people that you just get along easily with, connect with, and will always cherish. After my brothers passing the younger of two tactfully asked "how."

As it turned out my gracious friends lost there dad about six years ago, he also "took his own life"... My friends shared with me about him. I am so appreciative of their compassion and willingness to share. He'd hit a point of complete madness. He was no longer himself or at least not the man that they all knew and loved. Why? He'd been OK for so long. He'd been an amazing dad, a kind and generous person. Brilliant even. but then it all started to fall apart and who knows if he got help in time. Who knows if he was even taking the "help" that he was being given. All the same he was going and then he was gone. They all tried to help him and at times even tried to save his life but those closest to him knew that it was not their life to save. They knew that merely keeping him alive was not saving him. They had already lost him... Where did he go?

Did he just give up on fighting? Had is adaptive practices been changed to the point of demise? Are mental disorders/illness's degenerative? Was it merely a matter of time?

Obviously there is no sufficient nor satisfactory answer to these questions, especially to his family, he is gone.

I have another friend, with whom I was fortunate enough to work with this last year. Her father passed away a month before my brother. At one point, when I was struggling a bit at work, I asked her how she was doing and if she felt this way or that. She was compassionately willing to talk. Our brief conversation led her to tell me that it was actually not the first father she had lost (although I must tell you, as a evidence of her compassion, it was not her loosing two fathers that brought up the subject but how she felt so bad for her mother because this was her second husband to loose). As it turned out, her biological father committed suicide when she was very young. Her father was about the age of my brother. I was amazed and so impressed with my friend and her graciousness in coping and sharing. I asked her what he was like. She explained that he was in the military. He loved to work out He even loved life often. He was kind and loving and not the type of person you might expect this from, though he did struggle with depression from time to time.

I remember thinking how both of these men sounded similar to my brother. I have often thought that if he had only gotten married and had a family of his own this would not have happened. But after speaking with these two friends about their own fathers I have realized that it is not the case. Family does not cure some one of mental illness and it does not save one from this fate. Family can do a lot for a person including improving their quality of life but in they end that alone would not have saved my brother, no matter how much they may have loved each other. There is so much more to the story here.

One thing I would like to point out is that I don't believe that such interactions and the many other bizarre coincidences are coincidences at all. I am soooo thankful that wonderful people were so conveniently lined up for me! Thank you so much my friends for sharing and for wanting to help and make a difference in this crazy mixed up world we live in!

But I will also re-iterate: keeping some one breathing is not merely enough. We have a responsibility to each other to do more and be more. And yet likewise, when it is someones time to go, no matter how painful or hard it is to understand, then it is time to let them go and love them just as well.

The simple little blog entry that turned into a bizarre creature of a thing...

2009-06-27T09:16:00.000-07:00

Any one who knows me well, likely knows that they are one of my most favorite people. That being said I hope that my favorite people who really do not struggle to maintain sanity will still know that, yes, you are still one of my favorite people. (p.s. I am very fortunate because I know a lot of very very amazing, awesome and interesting people. It's not hard to have a lot of favorite people when you know the people that I know.)
But today I just want to say that I love my "crazy" friends. It is nice to talk with people who understand insanity similar to the way that I do. I also have to say that I think I trust these friends more then any one in the world.
I believe that unless you realize that you could possibly be just as "crazy" as that homeless man mumbling, growling and punching himself in the head then it is possible that you just might be more delusional then he is. Of course I am not saying that everyone needs psychiatric help, but rather I am saying that just because one person's world is not socially accepted as sane does not mean that society and all that is accepted and expected there-in is sane. With all of the knowledge that we have and that we have gained over the course of history it is silly to think that we are not being influenced by things that may not be immediately and obviously affecting us.
If I've lost you, don't worry I've lost myself to... So My point? I suppose it is this: Welcome to crazy my friends!
And to my "crazy" friends: Thank you for embracing your insanity and then working to maintain mental, emotional and societal responsibility! I absolutely Love You!
(I suppose I'm still a bit tired. I'm not sure that I'm actually saying what I am trying to say, but today I'll say it anyway. It's one of the perks you get to allow yourself when you succumb to taking medication to maintain sanity... oh, will I ever cease to embarrass myself? that'll likely be the day I disappear...flying away with pigs...I might go back and erase or edit this one later...when I'm more awake...after I frighten people away of course...)

ADD and All this bull#$@*...

2009-06-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

So we took my husband to a Dr. yesterday to explore his ADD issue's, see if we can't figure a thing or two out for him... The Dr. said he has a mood stability disorder as well as definite ADD and that is what we need to treat first. A mood stability disorder he also explained as bipolar (kind of a baby bipolar if-you-will). I think I am still laughing. I don't quite know what to think about all this mental health/illness/disorder bullshit but I do agree that my husband has a mood stability disorder that I want treated because, quite frankly, he can be scary but that's not really who he is. And he has adapted very well all things considered but he still "has issue's" and at this point in his life I don't think we have the time or the patience for all the alternatives...

I really kind of hate all this bullshit...
I suppose you connect with who you relate to and we definitely connect but I hate that we "need" medication... and I suppose I may always question "need" medication versus alternatives. I hope that one day I'll be able to take care of it all a bit more naturally.
But for now I think it is best that I take the path that leads me quickly and forcefully away from self-destructing...

Sometimes life is interesting but incredibly stupid.

where to put the fight

2009-06-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

Some days are hard. Some days I feel sad. I miss my brother, especially on days like to day... We went to the Air Force Air Show and I saw so many guys in their fatigues that reminded me of my brother. I got to go on a plane similar to those he loved to jump from (he was Airborne). The pride and patriotism of the military always impresses me and excites me, I want to join sometimes. I know I'd be incredible. I imagine that the discipline and intensity of the military might be more my pace. I could see myself as a drill sergeant even. I wish that J---- was here so I could talk to him about it...
But he's not and currently I am on medication so the military won't take me anyway... The medication that doesn't feel like it's working that great today anyway...
I have so much fight in me, even when I don't want to. Maybe this is where I belong, maybe this should be my fight...
Today I don't know what's what...
and I don't feel much like fighting today...

2009-06-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

A comment to this article http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/05/27/army.suicides/index.html
and this one
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/05/28/soldiers-ordered-not-to-kill-themselves/

In December my younger brother died from a self inflicted gun shot wound. He had served in the Army National Guard spending some time deployed in Afghanistan. I think there are a lot of stigma changes and paradigm shifts that need to happen with mental illness ESPECIALLY in the military.
My brother was not on medication and was not seeking medical help and part of what contributed to that was the stigma associated. While active in the Military he took medication for a short time but would only allow himself that as he would not be able to continue in the military if he continued taking medication.
I have also been on medication for my mental health issue's, when I tried to join the military they would not take me because I was on an anti-depressant, I thought it silly and stupid that they would take a "crazy" person that neither recognizes nor addresses their "insanity" but they won't take some one who is choosing to address their "issue."
Another point is that my brother very likely had a borderline personality disorder and it makes perfect sense for people with these types of disorders to join the military. Sort of a noble death wish if you will. That in and of it's self is not necessarily a bad thing and it's rather silly of the military to avoid these people but rather it seems it would make sense to utilize this personality type. In giving them the medical help they need with out the discrimination it would really make for a phenomenal military. I know my brother and I know what I am talking about, they (and we) would be an incredible asset to any branch of military but medical attention, education and acceptance in the arena of mental health is crucial and in a military setting would probably be fairly simple.

ups and downs on a much more even scale

2009-06-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

So I've had some down days. I think that is to be expected, especially considering I recently lost a brother whom I love.
I slept a lot, felt sad, unmotivated, and not terribly interested in much at all. I'd think of my brother and cry. I'd feel down, so I'd sleep... Depression... I even had a couple of days in which I felt my mind might be starting to undermine my medication. My focus was off, my nerves and such were starting to rise and I was feeling very sensitive to any possible slight. I realized that I had not been taking the best care of myself, eating horribly, not exercising much and lack of a regular bedtime seemed to be getting to me. I'm changing those back to a more healthy standard and I am already feeling the level difference. I seem to be following the same cycle of ups and downs and in betweens, only now it is manageable. It feels...umm...how'd you say... uh "normal." I must say it is nice. I got excited again last night just realizing how manageable a couple of days of excessive day sleeping were and that they have not turned me into the beastliest of creatures.

I have to say that those who either have the fortune or misfortune of being around me are, either way, very fortunate that I did work so danged hard to keep myself in line. Had I not been aware and worked so hard at it, I'd have been a complete nutcase, seriously! I think that my own self awareness and the logging of it will help me to avoid the common pitfall of quiting medication too soon because "I am fine." So it is with that, that I will stress the value of education and societal values and standards... though I'm probably still a rebel of societal expectations on some level and forms.

2009-06-01T15:11:00.000-07:00

especially considering I can rarely keep up with myself

2009-06-01T15:09:00.000-07:00

I suppose if I found somebody who could and would actually keep up with me, that might be terribly frightening... I suppose

Lesson Learned

2009-05-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

Here is another blog entry I wrote awhile ago and wanted to edit, possibly re-write, but I have determined that I am not that great a writer and I'd rather get this one out then make more (then about two...maybe three) pathetic attempts at "perfection." (or is it four?)
So though it is not yet what I want it to be I will share my lesson learned with flaws and all.

I'd like to share one of the most valuable lessons I have learned from an individual. It is as lesson I learned the night I got to spend in the waiting room of a Mental Health Facility in Florida. I mentioned this stay in my blog entry "the story of my crazy little life."
Remember I was an eighteen year old Utah raised girl in a Mental Health Facility in Riviera Beach Florida being held against my will, but not entirely unjustly.
Everyone who was brought there had to wait in the waiting room until they could be evaluated by the psychiatrist and determined if they were "safe" to leave. I was brought in in the very early evening, shortly after the psychiatrist had left and she would not be returning until the next morning, if they needed her, and since the next morning was Easter Sunday she insisted upon attending her Easter Services ( though a bit annoying to me at the moment, I admired and appreciated the priority she put on that. Really of all people, she should be there celebrating and honoring a second chance at life. I was glad she went).
But for those who had to wait the accommodations were; one enclosed room with two hospital like cots and the waiting room. As best I could tell the "bedroom" had been claimed by a frighteningly large and very strange woman and a very reclusive male that I remember very little about (so little that I have wondered if he was a figment of my imagination). Though they confiscated all weapons, belts, shoelaces and shoes I had no desire to sleep in an enclosed room under these circumstances even if the door didn't lock. The rest of us got to find a place among the benches and floors. I was fortunate enough to get a bench. Of course there was the security of one night "receptionist" watching over us from behind the counter. We were limited to the waiting room and a short hall that led to a padded room and a bathroom. I wondered if I might ever find myself in a padded room. It didn't look that bad, sterile but strangely comforting.
That night I made friends with a man (we'll call him Derek) whose mother had him "baker acted." The Baker Act was the statute that allowed a person to be held against there will until they were evaluated by psychiatrist if someone in authority or a close family member felt that they may be a threat to themselves or others. Another man (we'll call him Todd) who had been brought from the county jail for threatening suicide if they insisted on putting him into a cell with a man that he knew would kill him anyway (only in a much more brutal way). I actually felt very safe with these two interesting men.
Around 2:30 in the morning a police officer brought another man in that was talking from the get go and I was never entirely sure whom to. I wasn't as comfortable with this man and I felt very small and naive. He was not a large man himself and rather looked undernourished. I was struck with the idea that he might be homeless.
From the moment he got there this man seemed to be talking about the "voices that were telling me to do bad things." As I lay there on the bench, pretending to still be asleep, I remember thinking "this man is genuinely crazy, I wonder what they will do with him?" Just like the rest of us he got a blanket and a pillow and was to find a place to sleep in the waiting room with the rest of us.
"Huh, this could be interesting."
I have to admit I was a bit nervous. He took a bench/ or the floor in close proximity and proceeded to tell his story. I am not sure if he was telling me, Derek, or just whoever was listening or nobody at all, but his story was definitely the most exciting there that night.
He began talking about when the voices started to come back. He said at first they were easy to ignore and he'd acknowledge them and would then tell them to go away. He was hanging out with his friends (which was entertaining in and of itself trying to imagine what his friends might be like) when the voices started getting harder to ignore. They started to tell him to do bad things. He told them that he didn't want to and that they should go away. At first the they'd go away for a time, but then they wouldn't go away. They started asking him to hurt people. He said he didn't want to. They started getting louder. He started telling his friends that they needed to take him to the hospital because he didn't want to hurt anyone. The voices morphed into Jesus, but this man knew that Jesus wouldn't want him to hurt people so he told "the voice" that, and that he didn't want to hurt anyone. He raised his voice and got stern with his friends "YOU take me to the Hospital right now, before I hurt you."

I am not sure how many times he had to ask his friends to take him (he repeated himself a lot) or how long the whole thing took to transpire, but the police officer had brought him to "our" facility from the hospital. I listened intently and though I was not sure if or what they did at the hospital, I hoped they would have done or given him something.

He was the first one to see the psychiatrist the next morning.

I remember being completely intrigued by the whole thing. It made me think, in fact it has ever sense. I have often thought "if this man, as crazy as he was, could learn to recognize this and maintain some values and self control then I could learn to deal with my issues, maintain some sense of self and be responsible for my actions." I could learn to recognize if I was creeping close to the edge. I think this experience has also contributed significantly to my realizing the importance of maintaining and teaching values on and in all levels of society. As our minds approach deviance from some very important core values I think it is import to keep them in check and get help before the "voices or feelings" get too loud.
This was and is a valuable lesson learned. I have sense been fortunate enough to have "coincidental" interactions and situations that have helped keep me ahead of the game (well at least ahead of some of the severity's). The old adage suggests that "an once of prevention is worth a pound of cure" and I strongly believe this is applicable to Mental illness and Mental Health as well.
I, personally, have been profoundly grateful for people who have been willing to talk about, write and/or share their stories and experience. It has helped me profoundly and personally and it helps to educate people in one of the final frontier's of medicine and health. I believe that through others stories, knowledge and help that we can better learn to treat and understand some very real physiological problems that as of yet cannot be tested by conventional means without greater risk to health and safety. The brain is a very powerful but also very delicate organ and it is not immune to malfunctions. That does NOT make a person less of a person.
These are some of my beliefs which, I suppose, is why I so strongly feel the desire to share my own experiences in both treating present symptoms and problems and preventing rapid progression of my own likely degenerate medical condition.

devine intervention in it's simplest form

2009-05-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

I have felt a bit down the last few days. I am discouraged by my brain and the uncertainty of modern medicine in this arena. I went online to blog out some of my discouragement but the AOL home page news links had an article about a lady whose limbs were at least three times that of a normal persons.
I have to admit, though I went to the article just out of mere curiosity, it did make me feel better. At least my ailments are not out there in everybody's face physically all of the time. So I suppose the Cosmo's still have a plan for me despite my recent feelings of discouragement, and once again I can say the world is a beautiful place, even with all it's imperfections.
May I send a sincere Thank you to Mandy Sellars, you have a beautiful smile and you are a beautiful person, Thanks.

ramblings of "Truth"

2009-05-25T16:02:00.001-07:00

Oh the beautiful mind that is mine... I am so very happy and pleased with my current state and stability, however I was once again reminded of how temporary it could potentially be. I am OK with that because why be anything else, it will only rush a POTENTIAL downfall (and may I remind you and myself that it is only that, a potential).
I am grateful to know the people that I know and everyday I learn something knew. I think that is cool and yet hard at times.
... I am writing to write today because I am perplexed over my cousin. I am pained by the confusion I believe I sense from him. I am pained by the devastation's he has and is recently facing that I myself will likely, and fortunately, never face. I can really appreciate his "beautiful mind" and how he has amazingly been able to utilize it to his advantage, which makes it no surprise that he, at times, might believe he has to figure it all out himself. (Thing is, he eventually will figure it out, likely not all on his own though.) But, oh the pain of the chemistry.
I do know that when we go through hard time we are often amazed at some of the feelings and emotions we face that we never could have ever anticipated or understand had we not gone through it ourselves... and then to top it all off, we are all individuals and even going through exact same thing can effect people very differently.
I have another cousin who is also intelligent and talented in his own right but likely (and thankfully) laking in the screwed up brain chemistry arena. Currently he is trying to make a career change and is dealing with a bit of internal conflict in that area. As he put it "sometimes I just wish someone would tell me what to do." I feel his pain but I also appreciate his optimism through it all.
...And i find myself thinking about how it is somewhere in between being told exactly what to do and trying to figure it all out for oneself that the answer and the truth lie. I am at least pretty certain of that AND I'll throw it out there because I am, in fact, willing to be wrong.
Maybe I have touched on this before, today I don't care to go back through my blog to see if I have, but I believe that is one of the Great Ironies of life; that being that the only way one can truly have the truth and have peace with truth is if one is willing to be wrong. It seems to me that it is most likely when a person is adamantly fighting a point and are unwilling to bend on their perspective, position or understanding that they are often wrong or at least some part of their belief is wrong. It would also seem that once we accept that "this is what I believe but I could be wrong" that is when we are really accepting and ready for truth. Often we were right all a long and sometimes we are not but the beauty of it is in that state of mind we are open to a higher truth. That is my opinion of course...but I could be wrong. (sorry, I couldn't resist, I just had to throw that in there)
So that is my write-to-write-and-ease-my-head-a-bit rambling for the day. May you laugh with me when I laugh at myself and may you have a lovely day.

a rant on depression literature

2009-05-20T09:01:00.000-07:00

(I wrote this a while ago and when I posted it today it posted on the date I started writing it but I want things to be in a certain order so I am re-posting it for a today post.)

I just have to say that sometimes I tend to avoid reading stuff about Mental illness's or Mood Disorders or what ever it may be called because I think it is so damn depressing. And I think "damn" is the right word there because there is often that undertone as well. Sometimes I think I need to read more, but when I try to I feel completely discouraged or devoid of hope. Personally I think that is so totally lame. I read crap about depression an it is exactly that. I read crap about mental health issues and it is either all in your attitude or you are a completely helpless and mindless victim who I've seen put in the same categories of animals. I have read research that I know is easily ignorantly translated as "avoid anyone who is trying to live responsible with there mental disorder" but rather go for the person who has yet to face these issues but in reality are possibly more likely to be problematic because they might have the same problems or worse but have not been allowed to face them, or is unwilling to face them, in a healthy and supportive way. I get a bit fired up at the extreme views and the lack of a moderate middle ground. Yes, there are many that are "worse" then I but under the circumstances is it any wonder that people like my brother die by a fate of their own making, it's so freaking hopeless and taboo. Of all the gross and disgusting topics I hear discussed (even viewed) and offensive terms just casually tossed about that really probably should be taboo, why are mental illness's and disorders so taboo? I mean really people. My brother-in-law, not the one who wrote the books but a different one, is a lost little soul in many peoples eyes but I don't think he is so much as people don't want to accept that he is fine living a life that they themselves are not fine with. I hate that so much is an all or nothing approach, medicate or don't. Therapy or none. Mental or not. It's not that cut and dry and just because I occasionally benefit from an antidepressant does not make me less of a person. It also does not mean that I am helpless and even in the misery of it all I am not a depressed person (OK yes I am but that is not who I am). I have anxiety issue's, I struggle with depression, I have problems with obsessive thinking. I have low energy at times, I have trouble sleeping at times, I have panic attacks at time, I have racing thoughts MOST of the time. I have trouble focusing. Sometimes I eat too much and sometimes I don't eat enough. I am waaay too effected by waaay too many things. I have highs and ups that , though can be fun, are idiotic even troublesome at times. Sometimes I wish to just be done with life and sometimes I think of ways to bring that about. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes I know that I have super powers, and even when I am "normal" I sometimes secretly know that it's not really crazy but rather just impossible to maintain (super powers that is). I have multiple personalities that sometimes don't get along very well. I have excessive guilt. I have social anxiety. Sometimes I even think I need medication because I really can't "just deal with it" or "get over it." I have issues. Yes, but so what. Fortunately for me sometimes they can be fun. I think that is who I am, mostly because that is who I want it to be more then that is the way that I tend to be most of the time. No, I don't understand people who are always depressed and down, but does all the literature on depression have to be so dang hopeless? Maybe I'm just a fighter or maybe I am different or maybe I just don't want to give up hope and I don't think I ever will. I am sorry if that bothers people but I'd like to see a paradigm shift here. This may sound silly but depression doesn't need to be so depressing just like a fashionable and sensitive man doesn't need to be gay and just like a person with a bipolar or schizophrenic disorder/ illness doesn't have to take orders from their alter-egos and/or moods. That is my statement for the day and I hope that you will have a good one to.

Seven pounds

2009-05-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

This is a movie review.
Last night I watched "Seven Pounds" with my husband and I can summarize my feelings on the movie easily in two statements; First, I am glad I am "properly medicated" because this one would have been a bugger and second, one word, STUPID.
(*If you'd like to read the plot here is a link but it will entirely ruin the movie if you intend to watch it [and it's not very well writen] http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0814314/synopsis )
Interesting concept but totally flawed and the "message" was all screwed up with pretty damn screwed up intentions.
My husband rented this movie because he had heard it was good but neither of us really knew anything about it other then some guy doing seven "good deeds." So it is funny and a bit ironic that as I took my "chill pill" prior to settling in for the show I thought to myself "it is so lame that I have to take a pill to keep me from wanting to kill myself." In fact I mockingly told my husband that as he was putting the movie in.
So then the opening dialogue starts with Will Smith calling in his own suicide to 911.
If you recall I recently lost a brother to this very fate so I guess I can't claim an unbiased opinion in the matter. But where does my bias lie exactly, in a sense my brothers fate gave me a gift of acceptance and life in my own "mental health" struggle. I have struggled my self with a suicidal tendency and the idea that I could be doing the world a favor through my own death. I have often thought and still agree that suicide is most certainly not the worst thing that a person could do. I'd even go as far as saying that truly some people ought to consider it. But I will also say that I think it is very wrong and I am heart broken and at times a bit angry at losing my brother in this fashion. Given a second chance you better believe I'd have done everything in my power to try to prevent this. But that was not to be my place and that is that.
But I will say a movie that makes so many individual judgments and puts some self redeeming and savior like quality on an act of suicide is stupid. Yes, that is a judgemental statement in and of itself but I am judging a movie and a message and I believe there is a difference. [While it is totally unreasonable to think that we can live being truly non-judgemental I do think we can do better by avoiding judgements on people or individuals (including ourselves) and rather judge the action or the product and only for our own benefit. Like "I really think this movie is bad" versus "the director and people involved are bad for making this movie" do you see the difference I am trying to point out?]
So getting back to the movie "Seven Pounds" I will say it is totally ridiculous. The last thing I want to say is that a person who is actually in a mental state capable of pulling off the feats that the Ben Thomas' character pulled off is likely not in a suicidal state and if they really are that determined to "kill" them self in the end after all of that then WOW that's pretty freaking amazing, unfair and DAMN STUBBORN. I would say to "Tim Thomas" get over yourself, it's not always about you!

I realize that many people won't get my last statement, but some will. Feel free to ask me to clarify.

2009-05-04T13:30:00.000-07:00

My bro-in-law saw a T-shirt that said "I'm Bipolar. Are you? I'm Not."
I think that is funny.

Medication vs. Self-medicating

2009-04-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

Life has not privileged me with the opportunities to be the person that I think I want to be. I am most certainly something else. I still find myself in the quandary of medication vs not despite the difference I know it makes for me.
Even on medication I still have to do those things that are needed to help fight depression ie. diet, exercise, avoid stimulants and depressants. I still have to be aware of what I am subjecting myself to as far a entertainment and media goes. I still worry. But it is so much more manageable. Without medication I felt like myself sometimes but those sometimes were short lived and a battle to maintain. I have come to this conclusion; I know who I am and who I want to be and if I feel more like that person on a more consistent basis with the help of medication then I see no problem with self medicating with the help of a professional who probably knows more then I do about a lot of things. I think its a fair thing to do for myself and my loved ones and those who have to deal with me on a regular basis.
I think it is really not funny at all that people (society really) are so harsh about prescription "happy" pill's but so OK with all the various forms of self medication that are addictive and often unhealthy. I have felt the pressure to drink alcohol and am often viewed as a prude or stiff or what ever because I don't drink. I will admit I have been tempted, but the only reason I'd be drinking would be to "calm" me, problem is it is a depressant and even before I knew that, I knew how it effected people and I knew that I was screwed up enough, I didn't need help with that. I don't drink for these reasons so I am looked down on by many. I do take medication for a lot of the same reasons that people drink and smoke and do illegal drugs in there various forms, you'd think that I'd be viewed the same, I think it is more responsible, but a societal view would look down on me multiple times. I personally think it is pretty stupid. and that is all I have to say about that right now.

2009-04-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00696/depression-treatment

If "that" me is normal then Normal STINKS!

2009-04-21T07:31:00.000-07:00

So I have now started three blogs in the past few days that remain unfinished or not publish worthy. I am finding there really is a lot that I feel needs to be said on this subject. Right now I just wanted to quickly say that I am so happy with my current state of mind.
Occasionally I hear people say things, or if I try to explain and I am told "well that is normal" or "everyone feels those things" I am slightly tempted to judge myself harshly and once again return to the error of thinking that I am just a pathetic little wimp who needs excuses because I can't handle "normal emotions." Where I realize that that may or may not be true, I have also realized how much better I am and feel. I still go through a very normal range of emotions. In fact just this last week I have been a bit down and my head has wondered a bit to bizarre places, enough that I worried a bit about my stability. But it was very different, it was quite manageable and I soon realized that my worrying (and possibly some of my husbands) was mostly my hesitation to fully trust the stability that I have been experiencing for such a long stretch (going on a couple of months now). I think it is important to recognize this becuase without it would be easy to sabotage ones own progress. I can note some dramatic differences between how I am now and how I was then. They may not be that dramatic to every one else but I can sure feel it and it is nice.
I will go into more detail later on some of the differences. However, for now I need to keep this post short but I do want to say this:

If what I started taking medication for is a normal reaction to a normal range of emotions and thought processes and everyone really is just like me then I truly and honestly believe that EVERYONE needs to be on medication because that SUCKED!!! And it is nice to have myself back and once again I didn't realized how bad it sucked until it stopped sucking so bad. (I will reiterate I am not saying everyone needs to be on medication it is an "if/then" statement)
But that is what I wanted to say today. Thanks and have a lovely, level day.

2009-04-17T15:03:00.000-07:00

When I go back and read some of the things that I have written I have to laugh at myself. Though I'm totally idiotic, it's funny really. Like this that I wrote (I'll leave it in rough form so you may have to read it again and again to get it but heck if I'm going to expose my idiot side then I'll bare it all, no airbrushing and no-touch up):
"I am not a helpless victim of anything. I do not appreciate the feeble attempts of people who would lead me to believe that I am in order to boost their business or what have you. Or even those who want you to believe it so that they may feel better about it.
I have my agency and I also seem to have emotional incontinence. Sometimes I can manage with that but other times I really need to rely on “depends” or staying in, in order to avoid an embarrassing situation. And sometimes the “depends” are a bit embarrassing and who wouldn’t take a pill to stop embarrassing leakage over wearing an adult diaper?"

Well I think I'm funny!

a rant on depression literature

2009-04-15T14:11:00.000-07:00

I just have to say that sometimes I tend to avoid reading stuff about Mental illness's or Mood Disorders or what ever it may be called because I think it is so damn depressing. And I think "damn" is the right word there because there is often that undertone as well.
Sometimes I think I need to read more, but when I try to I feel completely discouraged or devoid of hope. Personally I think that is so totally lame. I read crap about depression an it is exactly that. I read crap about mental health issues and it is either all in your attitude or you are a completely helpless and mindless victim who I've seen put in the same categories of animals. I have read research that I know is easily ignorantly translated as "avoid anyone who is trying to live responsible with there mental disorder" but rather go for the person who has yet to face these issues but in reality are possibly more likely to be problematic because they might have the same problems or worse but have not been allowed to face them, or is unwilling to face them, in a healthy and supportive way.

I get a bit fired up at the extreme views and the lack of a moderate middle ground. Yes, there are many that are "worse" then I but under the circumstances is it any wonder that people like my brother die by a fate of their own making, it's so freaking hopeless and taboo. Of all the gross and disgusting topics I hear discussed (even viewed) and offensive terms just casually tossed about that really probably should be taboo, why are mental illness's and disorders so taboo? I mean really people.

My brother-in-law, not the one who wrote the books but a different one, is a lost little soul in many peoples eyes but I don't think he is so much as people don't want to accept that he is fine living a life that they themselves are not fine with.
I hate that so much is an all or nothing approach, medicate or don't. Therapy or none. Mental or not. It's not that cut and dry and just because I occasionally benefit from an antidepressant does not make me less of a person. It also does not mean that I am helpless and even in the misery of it all I am not a depressed person (OK yes I am but that is not who I am).

I have anxiety issue's, I struggle with depression, I have problems with obsessive thinking. I have low energy at times, I have trouble sleeping at times, I have panic attacks at time, I have racing thoughts MOST of the time. I have trouble focusing. Sometimes I eat too much and sometimes I don't eat enough. I am waaay too effected by waaay too many things. I have highs and ups that , though can be fun, are idiotic even troublesome at times. Sometimes I wish to just be done with life and sometimes I think of ways to bring that about. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes I know that I have super powers, and even when I am "normal" I sometimes secretly know that it's not really crazy but rather just impossible to maintain (super powers that is). I have multiple personalities that sometimes don't get along very well. I have excessive guilt. I have social anxiety. Sometimes I even think I need medication because I really can't "just deal with it" or "get over it."

I have issues. Yes, but so what.
Fortunately for me sometimes they can be fun. I think that is who I am, mostly because that is who I want it to be more then that is the way that I tend to be most of the time.
No, I don't understand people who are always depressed and down, but does all the literature on depression have to be so dang hopeless? Maybe I'm just a fighter or maybe I am different or maybe I just don't want to give up hope and I don't think I ever will. I am sorry if that bothers people but I'd like to see a paradigm shift here. This may sound silly but depression doesn't need to be so depressing just like a fashionable and sensitive man doesn't need to be gay and just like a person with a bipolar or schizophrenic disorder/ illness doesn't have to take orders from their alter-egos and/or moods.
That is my statement for the day and I hope that you will have a good one to.

Letting go of Spiritual Highs

2009-04-02T07:50:00.000-07:00

So this is my blog entry that I have felt "inspired" to post but will leave some thinking "OK, she's really nuts" while others might relate so well they will feel relived to have some one say it.
One thing that I seem to "give up" in favor of medication are "spiritual highs" and I have my own theory about this (and a lot of things). In my world of mood swings and ups and downs I often will experience some pretty profound and enlightened ups. They are amazing and I am always grateful for them, but I have to admit they are the writings (if I happen to write while I'm in that up) that I am most embarrassed of when I'm out of that up. I will also acknowledge that these ups are usually followed by an equally low down, heavenly highs and hellish lows.
I had gotten pretty good at recognizing the patterns and was pretty good at rolling with the punches, but it is exhausting and as my current psychiatrist pointed out "we sometimes think we are doing better then we are" and as the wise grasshopper pointed out "it's not all about you." It was not a maintainable cycle for me I was literally loosing my mind. But back to the "spiritual highs"

I was sitting in church, yes church, missing those "moving feelings" when I felt the need to write (though church and church related material is not necessarily where I would experiences these highs, rather church has actually been more of a constant for me) and this is what I wrote:

"We are not here to have a spiritual experience, we are here to have a mortal experience. Or spiritual experiences are to enhance, assist, remind us, or what have you, of our mortality.
But all-in-all I don't believe this is meant to be a spiritual life but a mortal life (don't get me wrong, you can be a spiritual person and that is good, but we are spiritual mortals not mortalual spirits, yes, that is a made up word but you get my point and humor, I hope).
When our life becomes overly spiritual, in our mortal state, then in our imperfection and in our mortality we are subject to both/all side of the spiritual realm and the depths of them, which cannot be constantly and consistently maintained in our currant state. It is too much for our little bodies to handle. (again let me emphasise "when we become OVERLY spiritual")
To be alive in this world one must be somewhat dead/asleep/absent of the other (not dead in a dead sense, more like plants in winter are "dead"). One day it will all make sense but now is not the time or the place. But rather to live a mortal life and do the best you can with that.
We are meant to have joy, love and FAITH here so enjoy your 'ignorant' adventure!"

That is my "at church" writing on that. I'd like to add that it is my belief that this life is a lot about learning balance and learning team work as well as Independence. If I were a sci-fi writer I might explain it like this: If you are one who experiences those spiritual highs it is possible that you have found a sort of gateway into another realm but it is a realm that our mortal bodies are not adapt to handle efficiently at this point in the human race.
There you go! No, I am not crazy!!!

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW

2009-03-31T08:02:00.000-07:00

I wrote this entry but wanted to get permission from my brother-in-law before I made it public information. He not only gave me permission but also a link to his original book, I was very glad he did. I will explain why at the end of this post.

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW

When I got back from Florida my brother-in-law made an effort to talk to me. He even put himself out there by sharing some of his personal and seemingly embarrassing stories about his break down. I was entertained by his stories and appreciated his effort but I think I also made it painfully clear that “I was not like him.” I was not especially open to thinking that I may have been “mentally ill,” or potentially more so. My story was nothing like his. Though I knew that my little incident with the police officer was a God-send I also knew that the police officer really had over-reacted. I just had a touch of depression that I would get over and no longer never need medication for ever again, and that was that end of story.
Years later, years after I had successfully been weaned off of anti-depressants and ignorantly started to mentally turn south (so to speak), I read his story. It was then that I realized I really was more like him then I’d thought. I had, fortunately, just not progressed to as extreme a point. However, I could easily look at myself and realize that there were far too many times where I was on “the verge.” My mind seemed to work an awful lot like his and I could easily see myself in his shoes if a few of my scenario’s had been just a touch different or farther from home, culturally and physically. I felt extremely guilty for having been so judgmental and ignorant so many years ago, for what I was now certain would have contributed to a sense of isolation that I was sure he must have felt over the years.
I have come to realize not only how right my brother-in-law was, but also how brave and admirable he was for being willing to talk about it, exposing his own personal “flaw” for my sake. I have come to admire him tremendously for his effort to do the best HE can despite his illness. I have come to realize that there is not much of a line that separates the “insane” from the “sane.” In fact in one sense, it is very possible that a mentally ill person who accepts it, deals with it, and makes the appropriate effort to live a mentally responsible life is likely much more sane then the multitude of masses who think they are above it, who think that they don’t relate, or who live oblivious and ignorantly in their superficial realities.
I am hyper-sensitive to many things, it has the ability to drive me nuts, but by acknowledging my intensities and sensitivities I can live responsibly and very well. Are you the same?

So that is the end and now I will explain about my bro-in-laws book that you can obtain a copy of through this link: http://www.bearcanyonpress.com/ .
The book that I referred to was the original unpublished version of "Enduring Well" (I was actually unaware of the "Into My Manic Mind" but I am excited to read it). I am not sure if some of what was his original version is in the "Enduring Well" or "My Manic Mind" so honestly I'd say get both. The thing is when I read his book it gave me new awareness of how close I had potentially come to "insanity" and some common early signs of danger. The descriptions of the break downs, that the publisher said were to "graphic" or a bit too much for the average reader, were exactly what I needed to help me be more aware of my own mental state. Ironically, in reference to the book that the Publisher published to be a self-help book , I have heard people say that it was a bit much for them and they had a hard time reading it because he was so much more extreme then they were. I realized instantly that it was because the publisher left out the background story and early symptoms, much of the detail that the publisher was afraid would be too much.
I remember Andy decided to self publish the original book because he felt it had a place and that his story could potentially help people. I would like to again say thank you to Andy because his willingness to share his "crazy life" has helped me from unknowingly getting too close to that breaking point myself.
And with that I wish you well and I hope that you enjoy the mental world that so many are more a part of then they realize.

An Ornery Day (and a tired writen entry)

2009-03-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

So today was a rather ornery day, I have to admit. I was short with my kids, a bit tired and cranky. I fell back into those nasty old habits of a short temper and a bit of immaturity. I have two things to share about that.
The easiest one to explain is that though today I was not the person I wish to be, I have at least been able to get through it easily as just an ornery day and not the end of the world. I somehow have been able to forgive myself and look forward to a good nights sleep and another day. I didn't even cry about it. That may sound really stupid but it's something that typically happens when I have an ornery day. That and my mind somehow turns me into the most pathetic pile of pooh on the face of this planet that really ought to be disposed of. The "dark" was kept at bay.

The second thing today made me want to mention was a recent meeting with my counselor. I was needing his very patient and positive reassurance and reminders of all the things that we have worked on because first I felt a bit worried that in my new (well, new again) state I might be tempted to leave some loved ones behind, so-to-say. As well I had realized that though my "chemistry" had changed some of my bad habits that I think I assumed would disappear had not. That was interesting to me but not terribly discouraging, actually not at all, rather maybe a bit more encouraging because it makes it a bit easier to accept that it is a very physical thing. Anyway (can you tell that I am tired), my counselor gave me a very simple but very profound and excellent analogy. He said when a caterpillar goes through changes in the pupa phase it comes out as a butterfly, but when he first emerges from his cocoon he's going to notice that he no longer has a hundred legs and that is a very real loss. When he tries to get around it will be very different, he may still feel like a caterpillar. He can't even eat the same way or same things anymore. Though he has wings he's never had those before. In fact, previously he had been quite fat and low to the ground. He's going to have to learn how to use his new body, he's going to have to learn how to be a butterfly and he still might have caterpillar days. My counselor did a much better job, I'm sure but I hope you get the point.
I have to learn how to be a butterfly and now that I actually have the wings to be a butterfly I might be able to get off the ground this time. That is how I feel this time around. Last time I took medication it worked wonders but I still had some thinking/cognitive habits that needed to be corrected. That time around I was not real open to that. This time around I have the combination of medication and a better trained mind so I feel encouraged that the results will be very good. I am so very excited about life and the things that I can do. And it is beautiful because it's not an over the top kind of excitement that cannot possibly be maintained.
So I guess I am saying in a very tired, weird and scattered kind of way that it's been a good ornery day!

A Day With Music

2009-03-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

I think it is good to write about "the way I am" while I am freshly starting to experience "the change" with medication, it is easy to quickly forget how dramatically different it was because changes are not always that quick or visible.
Today I am listening to music. I don't usually like "background" noise because it is hard for me to separate myself from it. It is not that I don't enjoy it, it may rather be the other way around, I enjoy it too much.

You know how it is when you hear a song that really moves you. When I hear a song that I like or enjoy I feel very connected to that song, it is hard to separate my emotional or physical reaction to the song from the song and everyone who might be affiliated with it. In this way I can see how people become obsessed with celebrities, rock stars, artists, etc. It feels so personal so directed at you it is hard to believe that there is not a very real personal, spiritual, psychic or supernatural connection to that specific person. In fact it is that very natural reaction that feeds there success but for me it can be a bit too intense.
So today it is nice to listen to and enjoy some very good and pleasant music without being tempted to believe that this person must know and love me the way that I know and love their music. Thank you Pandora Radio. And thank you prescription medications.

My simple definition of mental illness

2009-03-26T07:51:00.000-07:00

So over the years I've noticed that it is hard for people to figure out what mental illness really is, what it means and what it looks like (and when I say people I mean mostly myself). The lack of education leaves many people living locked up in fear or allowed to behave in less then acceptable ways. We have become a society where deviance is acceptable as part of our character. We have become a society that feeds mental illness. There are many roots to this problem. And on an individual level we have an easier time accepting that we are a "bad" person or that "this is who I am even though I don't know if I like it," then we do accepting that we might be "mentally ill."
I think that mental illness looks very different then people realize. It is possible that it is communicable. It is possible that there are varying degrees that can be treated quiet effectively with various different methods. It is possible that they may be prevented. It is possible that not all can be prevented but most can be managed. It is possible that mild problems can turn into something much worse if not properly cared for. In fact depression has been called the common cold of mental illness, it is my opinion that maybe we should consider it more like a common cold then we currently do. A cold effects every one at some time in their life. Most get over it with little added effort but it usually requires some effort, like extra vitamin's, extra water, extra sleep etc. Sometimes a cold turns into something worse but, generally speaking, we usually don't condemn that person. A cold is easily spread and we are more likely to catch it if we already have a weakened immune system. A cold can often be avoided but not always and not always easily. There are worse things then a cold even if it does move down into our lungs. I think it might be worthwhile to consider depression like this.

I'd also like to explain what I feel mental illness looks like. We all have experienced different chemical reactions within our own bodies. Some are easier to recognize then others. Some are more noticeable and easily recognizable while others are so regular and natural that we don't even notice them. I'll give some examples: The way our body uses and digests food, we don't really notice when we eat regularly the chemistry that is going on all the time but when we miss a few to many meals we sure can feel it. When we are "aroused" we can definitely feel something change in our bodies. If you have ever been excited, like a kid on Christmas, you can feel the endorphins or adrenaline or whatever it is. If you have ever run a race and you get to the final stretch, even though you feel like you have given it your all, when you see the finish line those endorphins kick in and you somehow can run faster, even sprint. When you are nervous or suddenly surprised. These are all chemical reaction that you can feel. They are very normal and useful, however it is also a very delicate balance and can easily be knocked out of whack. Imagination can change them, external stimuli can change them, things we eat can change them, just about everything can change them. Mental illness is when they are too extreme for the circumstance (too much chemicals'), when our body has a hard time maintaining that delicate balance, or when our imagination becomes a bit too powerful and takes over the body.
I believe in the mind, body, spirit connection in that they are, in essence, three separate things trying to co-exist in harmony. They will always have an effect on each other, like it or not. The important thing, though is not to think it is some horrible flaw of ours if they are not perfectly balanced. It is also important to put out the fire before we try to figure out what caused it. Even if we do know what caused the fire we still need to put it out unless we want to loose everything.
In my metaphoric opinion the biggest problem we have with mental illness today is all the children running around with matches and loaded weapons when, first off they have not been taught what they are let alone proper fire and gun safety, and second their little bodies are not big enough or strong enough to hold the ski's in a snowplow so-to-speak. I'll expand on the latter; though it may be fun to take them skiing, though they may enjoy it and though introducing them early may lead them to be an Olympic skier, we can't expect them to hold a snow plow when their leg muscles have not developed to that point. And surely we wouldn't leave them to figure it out on there own. So it is with mental health.
... and that is all I have to say about that.

I'd rather Say It and be Wrong then Not Say It and be Right

2009-03-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

Often e-mails I write turn into something entirely different then intended, that is just how I work. Today I want to share some bits of one that did just that.

"I find that I do great with just about everything, then don't maintain it and find myself at the bottom where I will start doing EVERYTHING at the same time again to get me up, which it does, but once again I can't maintain it and I come sliding back down (if not crashing). I believe that this is probably a pretty normal cycle but it is just a bit too extreme for me and good or bad my mind turns to death as the answer to everything even though I think it is a totally lame answer and I really don't want to die. It is weird and hard to explain, I don't particularly care for it.
I have to admit, when medication starts working it is hard not to think that everyone could use it. I think that is me still holding on to a bit of pride and not wanting to be "different" as well as being genuinely concerned that some one else may be suffering needlessly.
I have mostly decided that one of my philosophy's is: I don't want to assume that I know how another person will take/use/need what I have to say, but if I know it is important I'll put it out there and let them be the judge for themselves. I'd rather say it and be wrong then not say it and be right."

Which brings me to a point I'd like to make, one that in all the books I've skimmed and read, in all the meetings I've had with various counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, or what have you, I don't recall ever being warned of or educated on. It is something I have had to figure out on my own from both my own experience and the experiences of others. Yet it is a bit of information that I think could be profoundly helpful in preventing a whole lot of difficult and dreadful occurrence's. It is this: Beware of the ups.
The ups can be more dangerous and frightening if there is a chemical imbalance but until you have been through a few yourself or you have seen a few that are close to you, you really don't know what to watch out for or even to watch out at all. If you find yourself cycling or rapid cycling, then beware of the ups, an overly inflated ego or sense of self, and/or euphoric type feelings. It is hard to think that there might be problem when you are in an up but ups take many forms and since we are often feeling so good in an up it is all to often too late before we realize that things aren't quiet as they seem. Ups can also be impatience and a short fuse. Ups can even be narcissistic (I can do no wrong). Ups can give you the energy you need to fulfil desires for some of those not-so-good obsessions.
Ups can be good but up or down or anywhere in between, we need a core set of value's, a sense of right and wrong that we can cling to even when that is not who we are at the moment. When we feel that we are not who or what we know we should be and/or genuinely want to be, we don't change our value's we seek help. That is the mentally responsible thing to do.
Though I don't entirely know what was going on with my brother it is apparent that he died in an up cycle.
So if I've burst a bubble or two I am sorry, don't mistake what I am saying for "you can't be happy," but rather learn recognize chemically induced ups. Then you will be able to find a happy that is genuine and lasting (and for some of us, quite refreshing- even if we may find ourselves asking if this might get a little boring ;)).

Noticing Change

2009-03-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

So I remember when I first got put on anti-depressants (as they are most commonly called though I dare say they treat far more then what is typically thought of as depression) and how new and novel some of the changes I went through were. It's seems that my new medication is working efficiently and I'm starting to recognize some of the newness of "normalcy" and an extended levelness. My husband worries that it won't last. I'm not worried though, because though looking at things from the outside things don't seem to be much different I can tell you that on the inside things are dramatically different. Yes, before I seemed to experience plenty of good days and level times but I have to admit that those periods were very short lived and still mixed at least daily with some sort of extreme or overly intense emotion. Where that is not always a bad thing it is helpful to realize that it is not only exhausting but also not possible to live with a kids-on-Christmas-morning type of emotional level/intensity/reaction every day. But currently I've noticed that things that typically would send me into and emotional or psychological extreme have not. They are just normal everyday experiences and that is refreshing.
I will give a few examples of this.
Last night we watched a movie with the kids and the introduction had a known visual and musical prelude that can evoke a powerful emotional response that we often associate with the magic and excitement of youth, possibilities and imagination. This is what the music is intended to do however for me as an adult it is bit silly (and bit much) that it would inevitably cause a reaction so intense that it would bring me to tears and usually cause me to cross over into the "fairytale" part of my mind, once again believing with all intent and purpose that all things are possible if only we believe, that my kids will behave perfectly if I only smile and sing, keeping my chin up like a fairytale princess only to be frustrated and angered when it didn't happen that way. My patience snapping instantly and harshly as things did not magically conform to my desires. Then of course to be followed by the eminent disappointment with the harsh "realities" of life. Despite having been through this scenario many-a-time in my life, such a prelude or movie or whatever still would evoke such a reaction from me. But last night I noticed the absence of such an extreme emotional response. For a moment I wondered if I missed the "magic" but I didn't. It was still a powerful piece of music that reminded me of the magic of youth and I enjoyed it but it was not SOOO impacting.

- just now as I am here intently writing with a mode that is flowing and concentrated my daughter starts repeatedly calling me from her room. Normally, in such a mode, I would snap angrily and be incredibly annoyed by the interruption to my thoughts and effort. This time I was still a bit annoyed but I was able to just say "what," and effectively detract my attention to her just enough to answer her request.

I have made contact with old friends-it has been exciting even exhilarating - but I am not completely obsessed with them. I went to a party with my husbands extended family and I felt fine the whole time even when I did feel a little out of place. After we left my mind had enjoyed the night and that was that, I didn't have to rehash everything in my brain and make sure I said everything just so I didn't feel anxiety of this or that or question what I choose to bring, it was just a pleasant get together and that was it.

I have watched a few movies and not been totally disturbed by the deeper meaning or the messages they are trying to get across. I have been too bed late and eaten sugar too early, and though my transgressions still have an effect, it is not potentially life threatening or at least crippling. I am not a neurotic mess. I don't mind if people have something to say about me and when I say the wrong thing it is not a crime punishable by death.

These are small victories but they are becoming more regular, more normal and I am enjoying them. Similar to the first time I was put on medication I have found that even though I thought I was still "in control" I had no idea how bad of shape I really was in. It is nice to have a second chance.
I didn't know what racing thoughts were until I STOPPED having them. I didn't understand how intense anxiety could be until it let up a little in me. I didn't understand sleep disturbances until I actually had a good night sleep more then once. I didn't recognize decreased energy until I had good energy. I didn't know what "depression" was until I was out of it. I didn't understand mania or hypo-mania until I had a definition AND something to compare it to. I DID NOT understand "CHEMICAL IMBALANCE" until I WAS BALANCED. It is nice to feel balanced. And now I can sure see and understand chemical reactions. They happen all the time in our bodies but some of then are TOO MUCH (or not enough).
... and that is all I have to say about that.
(for now anyway)

small victories

2009-03-19T11:38:00.000-07:00

At least four days happy and still going strong!

Choice and Friends- Two things I Love!

2009-03-17T13:20:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I felt a sense of empowerment when I realized; I don't HAVE to take medication I CHOOSE to.
It is nice to feel happy and calm. I have to admit I may just be on an up swing, we'll see how I am next week. But for now it is nice to know that life does not have to be so difficult and we live in a wonderful time.
by-the-way I have a lot of good old friends and new friends and even new old friends and old new friends and I just wanted to say;
Thanks Friends!

I am mental but I am capable

2009-03-15T16:14:00.000-07:00

So I have an opinion I'd like to share. I've often struggled with why, what is my problem and, obviously, do I really need medication? Life often raises us with improper thinking patterns and dysfunctional situations. Is this why I am the way I am or is it all in chemistry? Or is it a direct result of a head injury? My question is this: Does it Matter? Really isn't what matters what you do with it; what you choose to do with what life has given you?
I believe that just like many health issues mental illness can be the result of an injury. Is it not possible that a person can be injured emotionally to a point that will change them and their life forever and even their chemistry? It is obvious that this happens but we still somehow shun the idea that a mental/emotional injury could result in a life long handicap.

Now the beauty of modern medicine is that we have so many possibilities.

If a person looses a limb should they not use a prosthetic because they can learn to survive without one? Should a person not be considered capable because they need a wheel chair to get around or because they need to monitor their sugar levels and give them selves shots on a regular basis? Why, then, is it that as a society we look down so harshly on Mental Illness? I realize that it is partially because we all have mental and emotional issues that we have to get over so it is easy to target those people who seemingly don't. I also realize that many people with mental illness's DON'T live responsibly and can even be very dangerous. But I will say that just as we all have mental issues to overcome we all have regular health issues to overcome and though we can not all overcome all medical issue's we are wise enough to know that does not make a person useless or unintelligent, it is just their own bodies flaw, and we all have those. And I will say that if we can look at these things with a bit more of an open mind and heart then we can start addressing them better and save many people from much pain, heart ache and even death, as well as possibly ourselves because just like most things in life you really never know if you'll be hit or not.

Something to be said for counseling

2009-03-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

So over the years I've learned a lot of good things on my own. A lot of good tricks. But there is something to be said for good counseling/therapy. Sometimes they can put things you already know in a way that helps them to click a little better. Sometimes they just give you the positive reinforcement that you need. Sometimes they teach you something new all together. And sometimes they say things that you know but didn't realize you know and suddenly things seem to make a bit more sense.
And the reality is if you need medication then you most likely need counseling as well. There is even a good chance that the counseling could help keep you off medication. However, medication is by no means, and never should, be viewed or used as an easy fix to avoid dealing with issues, but then again that is just my opinion.

Here a few things that my counselors have said that have really helped:

*At one point I was venting my frustrations with another person in my life, that I was having to deal with on a regular basis. I complained about how this person didn't give me any credit at all. This wise counselor validated my feelings but then she turned it around and said something to the effect of "But you also have to look at the other side to, You say she gives you no credit at all, but can you blame her?" What!? I thought but she quickly added, "YOU don't give yourself any credit." Good point, how and why should I expect others to give me credit if I really don't give myself any credit. I must say that, that was one of those life changing statements that really does make a huge difference.

*Another counselor and I were discussing physiology affecting the mind versus the mind affecting the physiology of the body. He said that our bodies can react to our minds but it is also possible that our mind try to come up with a reason for why or body is reacting the way it is for no apparent reason. This made a lot of sense to me.

*My first counselor once pointed out that while a pessimist perceives the world more accurately and optimist sees it for what it could be. Previous to this I vacillated between the two and could truly claim both. But after her pointing it out that way, I realized that it was more of a choice. It has since been easier to choose to be an optimist because, honestly, I don't want to settle for "the way things are."

That's all I'd like to share for now.

Feeling Good

2009-03-13T13:20:00.000-07:00

So it's funny (really it's not) but the longer I'm on medication the more I begin to wonder why I struggle so much with the issue of taking it. I respond quite well to it. Sure I'm still a bit neurotic and still intense and all that, but I can physically feel the "chemicals" attempt to start to surge but then they don't and I have to say, it's nice. ("chemicals:" endorphins, adrenaline, not exactly sure what they are but you sure can feel them when the start escalating). I am not flying of the handle for trivial things and that is nice. And I can think myself out of things again without having to fall asleep to make my mind stop. I don't cry at everything and I can be happy and enjoy my day without getting overly excited like a puppy when his owner comes home. Sure I don't seem to get the same euphoric feelings as much but at least it's not followed by the depths of hell for who knows how long after. And the dark, the dark that you just can't explain but if you've felt it you know, it's not so much present or slyly lurking, watching and waiting around the next corner. I feel normal. Eventually my mind stops turning to death as the answer to everything (good or bad). And as fun as they can be, I do have less crazy days and times (I mean that both seriously and sarcastically). And eventually I'll be able to watch movies and television a bit more (though I still won't care to) and not be so darned affected by them and there "messages," still will but I'll at least be within a functional range.
I think it was the wise mantis sister who put it accurately when she said: "you don't lose yourself, you get yourself back."
I really hate to be putting in plugs for drugs... But when they work so well why do I keep struggling with taking them? I think I've mentioned reasons.
I think we are a bit too judgemental when it comes to taking these types of medications, I know that I am. Are they over prescribed? Probably. Does that mean that I shouldn't take them? I have to admit that I used to think this way, up until very recent, really. But eventually I realized how stupid that kind of thinking was. Because people take advantage of water and waste it, I should not drink it? You see it's stupid! I think it has taken years of counseling for me to come to that conclusion (and my very patient counselor very carefully mentioned suggestion that I might consider that avenue again).
But true to my nature, where before I was all about taking care of it naturally, now it sounds like I'm all about the drugs... I swear, I'm really not, I am just starting to really feel and notice the difference. And I like to talk about what I am feeling.
I also must admit that I often warned people of the problems they'd face if they took the prescription drug route. That was really bad advice for my brother...
My advice now would rather be "life does not have to be so hard" and "do what is necessary and be fine with it." We don't need to fight such a rough battle. It is OK to be happy, it is OK to enjoy life and there are a whole lot of different ways to do that. Be true to yourself, be true to Jesus, be true to Buddha, be true to what is good. You know what is good even when that is not you.
All we can do is our best and that is what I try to do. Not "my best isn't good enough" and not anyone else's best, but my best and on the days when I really don't know what that means or how then I only try and sometimes it's a matter of just hanging on.
I was just feeling "the difference" and I thought I might mention it. Hopefully it will be "the difference" that I feel more of. Had I started this blog sooner you'd probably hear more about the other Me's that are entertaining, I'm sure, but not my favorite. It's nice to feel level. I hope it lasts, but if not, that's o.k., I've been through this before and I know what to do.

the story of my crazy little life

2009-03-12T11:31:00.000-07:00

So why the @$#* would someone want to start a blog exposing there own vulnerabilities and questioning their sanity? Why are you asking this question anyway?
Read my older posts and then here is where it all began:
After graduating from high school I went to live in Florida for a year after being there for about seven months I some how found myself spending the night in a Mental Health facility, not by choice. Though I must confess that was not the first time I questioned my sanity. I remember explaining to the counselor that I had for some time felt like I had a little sanity chip in my brain that was somehow keeping my mess of a head together. I explained how I often wanted to break my head open so that it could all spill out and I could actually see it all and somehow put the pieces together like a puzzle. But this event in Florida is what really seemed to state "Houston, we have a problem."
Despite my "intensities" I really truly believed that everyone one was like me inside, they just did a better job of "pretending," and I didn't appreciate pretending. I really thought everyone contemplated ending there life and how. I thought it perfectly acceptable to set a date, as long as it was far enough off and I gave this life thing real honest effort.
The very talented psychiatrist that saw me somehow knew what I needed to hear and managed to work me over easily into taking medication. "At this point" she said "you can't afford not to." Then she proceeded to make sure I could get a few months worth for very close to free. She also put me on a medication that is not at all easy to stop taking, I think she did that on purpose.
Honestly it was a hard pill to swallow and I really didn't know what it meant. When I got back to my home state out west, I didn't like to visit psychiatrists or psychologists and relied on the library for any information. I was trying to get off the medication all of the time... Until I was a bit more "stable" anyway. But even after I had changed dramatically, in mostly positive ways and I fully recognized that this incident and medication really and truly did save my life, I did not want to stay on the stuff. I didn't think much about my sanity issue's so much but rather became a bit obsessed with other peoples "sanity" issue's. Eventually I was able to go off and I mostly had myself convinced that I didn't need them... Can't say that I was always a peach to be around, but other then my "intensity" I was fine...Really, I swear I was!

Sooo, I somehow got hit upside with life a few times and could very easily blame some of my "issues" on that but regardless I was starting to unravel. There were a few "coincidental" events that either fed a quicker unraveling or helped me to see that I was starting to unravel, thus preventing me from completely coming apart. The most notable to mention were my brother-in-laws book of his own personal story of bipolar and then that damned ol' boyfriend (whose wife also happened to be bipolar)... I found that I related a bit too well to people with some serious mental illness's. Now I fully realize that relating to be people who are "crazy" (and I mean that in the most endearing way) does not make one crazy. But as I said I was already unraveling... Despite my best efforts. And then the poor old bugger who used to be a "boyfriend" became a horrid obsession, which for the life of me, I could not get around... My mind seems to work that way. It was the first time I really realized and faced the fact that I obsess over things in a way that is totally disfunctional and despite my best efforts, I can't just "forget about it"... I am sorry old boyfriend and his wife to bring this up, but it is what it is and the best I can do is face it. So I started running more and taking supplements and reading more books and even going to counseling more...and many other things (like writing). They helped and they didn't.
You know, I think it might be a bit easier initially if I were just out right crazy, or if I did have a major breakdown. But I'm not and I haven't. I just have a body that reacts with shots of adrenaline for really silly reasons or even no reason at all. I have a brain that can't decide what it is, on any given day but is smart enough to somehow hold it together. I get terribly stuck in thinking patterns that I am still learning tricks to get out of (sometimes they work, sometimes I just have to go to sleep). I mimic cycles of a bipolar person and yet I have plenty of in between time. I have an irrationally and embarrassingly short fuss and all sorts of other issues.

So am I crazy? Not any more then the next person because I am choosing to deal with it. I take medication now. I tried really hard not to. But you hit a point where trying to stay ahead of yourself and your "moods" is so time consuming and exhausting that it is not only not worth it, but also more fair to family and those around you (especially your kids)... That and I rolled my car with my two kids in the back, all because I was "up" and overly confident. We miraculously all survived shaken but unscathed, I only had one minor cut on one finger. The car was a total, fortunately we were not.
That is when I took my sisters advice and "found a way."
Sooo that is the bulk of my sanity-in-a-nutshell but what sadly solidified the reality of it all was my brother's death, but I'll save that for another day...
Have a happy and mentally responsible day!

Suicidal default

2009-03-10T18:23:00.000-07:00

So a few months ago (almost three) I wanted to start this blog in response to my brothers death. He "committed suicide" but who really knows what happened. Thing is at the time of the incident I did feel like I knew what happened and it did not shock me at all. All I can say is, I am glad I was on something and I am glad that I am on even more now. Death sucks and it is hard. Mental illness sucks and it is hard. For some of us an intense longing for death is the most sure manifestation that there is a problem, but how do you tell someone "hey I really think life is good and interesting but what I'd really like try is death." Yeah, it doesn't go over so well and for those that it does go over well with and you can actually talk about it openly with, it doesn't send the red flags that it should... and it may or may not always be present. So I think it's a horribly uncomfortable subject with a whole lot of cliches that, though they sound nice, do little for someone who genuinely longs for death... what a dreadful subject, but I tell you what, talking about it and exposing my own embarrassing flaws have saved me and others in more ways then we can know. I am alive after all.
And that is all I have to say for now.

on becoming mentally responsible

2009-03-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

So the thing I don't get is this: if you happen to have mental/psychological defect that may require medication and you responsibly take that route, then you may be viewed as "unstable" or questionable and yet the truth is the mental freakaziods that are completely unstable and most likely to have some major dangerous "incidents" are those that are either 1. completely ignorant, 2. not mentally responsible and denying mental problems altogether or 3. not mentally responsible and refusing to take medication or 4. Trying to take care of there mental issues but not feeling like they can openly because they fear the repercussions of the label thus avoiding anything, like medication and counseling, that could potentially tie them to the negative stigma of "mentally ill" or 5. Have already been labeled as such and then expected to behave in such a way, not really allowed any opportunity or expectations of something otherwise.

So it is, I get to play this joyous game trying to figure out whats what without letting too many people on to what I am doing and /or taking. I am a dependable and safe person, more so then most, but I have this mind that just doesn't stop at times and this intensity that even I have a hard time with. But I do everything I can to keep it in check, keep myself in check. With some help from others and some brutal honesty with myself, a willingness to accept that I just may be flawed in such a way, and even a willingness to be wrong, I think I've done a pretty darn good job at it and I hope to continue to do so. I also think that it is entirely possible for people with varying degrees of mental illness's to be mentally responsible.

There is a billboard on the freeway for a regular medical hospital that shows a picture of a person that states "Early detection saved my life." I think that can be true of mental illness's as well. I believe that if they are detected early enough not just lives can be saved but quality of life can be improved. I think there are probably a lot of things we can do preventative and that it is entirely possible that with a preventive approach and education of the subject many "breakdowns" can be avoided. It is my opinion that major breakdowns are possibly avoidable and that if we can avoid a first breakdown, a mental illness will be much easier and less costly to manage for a lifetime. But there has to be some acceptance here. This is my opinion this is my stand and this is why I wanted to start this blog in the first place... Now how do I tell people about it with out telling people about it??? (letting them on to me)

who, or what are you?

2009-03-05T12:26:00.001-08:00

If there were such a thing as Tri-polar or multi-polar that would be me. But to my knowledge there is not. You see the problem with me is that I have plenty of extremes that often are quite hard to keep in check but I also have plenty of "normal" time (if you can call anything normal). I struggle with a range of intensities that often find me out of "acceptable" before I can keep it contained, or I contain myself to "Spare" everyone else. And presently I am rambling in a way that probably makes little sense but who cares this is my blog and I haven't even told anyone about it, it's just a palce to vent in hopes that in some bizzare way it may help someone else out there along the way...
So if anyone is listening expect to hear a thing or two about me and my sanity issue's and I'll tell more as we go.
Back in December my younger brother died from a self inflicted gunshot wound, they call it a suicide. thats all I feel like saying for now. Life is interesting.

Now what??

2009-03-05T12:22:00.000-08:00

So the other day I could have sworn I heard my sister-in-law say my husbands name. I told him and he called her just to make sure she was ok. She was fine... Maybe I am starting to physically hear voices... Am I crazy?

Am I Crazy?

Who's who and what is what

Nomads

Lost in Mental illness.

Holiday Blues.

The other side of the glass

the realities of life

"I like munnee"

huh? (is it God versus mania)

suicidal default 101

Which came 1st the chicken or the egg?

I am a giraffe

a high schoolers longing for death

To Write or not to Write?

identity

oh the places we will go

here today, gone tomorrow

Oprah and Bull@#%*

out with old in with the new... over and over and over and over... again

Cosmic Realms

Merry Christmas

It's just me

Tis' the Season

ups and thanksgiving

to the beat to a different drum

Embellishments

psychological thrillers and knowing better

The Nature of the Beast

Welcome to the otherside

a lovely boring day

A message from the other side.

The Wise Mantis once said...

Is the world against ME?

The imblance battle theory

The Wise Mantis once said...

keeping faith and fight

Today, Yesterday and Tomorrow

A day in paradise

Talk is Cheap...assume little!

Saving Lives

update

Not today, not ever!

I am what I am

not today

Saving lives.

The simple little blog entry that turned into a bizarre creature of a thing...

ADD and All this bull#$@*...

where to put the fight

ups and downs on a much more even scale

Lesson Learned

devine intervention in it's simplest form

ramblings of "Truth"

a rant on depression literature

Seven pounds

Medication vs. Self-medicating

If "that" me is normal then Normal STINKS!

a rant on depression literature

Letting go of Spiritual Highs

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW

An Ornery Day (and a tired writen entry)

A Day With Music

My simple definition of mental illness

I'd rather Say It and be Wrong then Not Say It and be Right

Noticing Change

small victories

Choice and Friends- Two things I Love!

I am mental but I am capable

Something to be said for counseling

Feeling Good

*the story of my crazy little life*

Suicidal default

on becoming mentally responsible

who, or what are you?

Now what??

the story of my crazy little life