On another note. I miss my brother. The suicide aspect is a bigger struggle for me now then the first year. It may be because my mind and chemistry is straightened out enough that I am no longer relating so well.
I feel angry about it. It is helpful to know that is a normal and expected stage of grieving... considering my delayed development I may be angry at the forces that be for awhile.
Mostly I am sad, extremely sad about it.
I miss him and I hate knowing that he is not coming back. My heart aches because of how he died and that it was at his own hand.
I am having to face that it was not just a bad dream. I went through an extended period where I must have been half awake and half asleep because it really did seem like just a bad dream. I am pretty sure in my awake life; if it was just a bad dream then my asleep life would confirm as I dreamed about this bad dream that really wasn't so... I know, it's confusing.
But reality sinks further and further in. And my eyes well with tears often as I realize this new reality. I am so sad that I do not get to see him for the rest of my life. I am sad that even the dreams of him have become few and far between. They may just be dreams but it is always nice to see him. I was allowed a dream of him the other night... I woke myself up I was so excited to see him and hug him. I was sobbing as I woke and lost that moment.
I don't want to forget my brother...
I don't want him to get farther and farther away.
Angels walk among us.
ReplyDeleteI understand your grief, and anger is OK. It's all part of it.
I'm never mad at him, but rather the circumstances, the loss, the what might have beens.
He's not far from us. When your at your darkest, when your brain is running loose, stop and listen.
I am here.
A lifetime does seem too long to live with this. Thankfully we're crazy, and we can talk to him whenever we want. He does hear us. He's still a soldier, our brother; an angel among us. We just have to learn how to hear him.