Friday, October 30, 2009

psychological thrillers and knowing better

Today I watched a "psychological thriller." In the day time.
I should know better.

I already have an appointment scheduled with the psychiatrist this upcoming Wednesday because I was suspecting I'm not quite right... I suppose I really do know better.

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation."

-Jenny Kerr (no idea who that is)

Saturday, October 24, 2009

The Nature of the Beast

So I have been thinking...
I've been thinking about the nature of the beast. Often one who really needs to take medication for realities sake will wonder if it is really "right" and if they really should or need to. It is a huge struggle for loved ones to accept, especially after they have finally come to accept that there loved one really is "crazy," when that person decides they are fine and really don't need medication.

I will tell you that part of this decision (to go off) can be attributed to the fact that most people, on some level, are "mental." Often the feelings and behaviors or obsessive thoughts that required medication in the first place can be viewed as "normal." Especially when one is far away enough from the skewed reality, or far to deep into the skewed reality, to remember or realize how much more intense these issues were then what may be considered healthy.

Example: I would often feel overwhelming quilt.
People are right when they say that guilt is normal and healthy. Good for society even. But the farther away from the immense amounts of guilt I felt the easier it is to fall slowly back into some erred thinking patterns. Overwhelming guilt over everything wrong in the world, with the expectation put on oneself that any minor infraction or injustice you see and allow or don't fight, then you are just as responsible for is just not realistic to maintain and possibly magnified by a physiologically unstable or unbalanced state.

Another example: Before I started taking meds and and a major contributor as to why I swallowed my pride and got back on them would have been called "my temper." I would have angry out bursts, usually at my children as I could not hide from them and I am around them constantly. In a level state I do loose my patience occasionally but it is merely that and it is resolvable as me and my children aren't extremely traumatized. But with out medication they were angry out bursts and the longer they went on the worse they were getting. I was convinced that I could control these but the harder I tried the worse they would get. Yet if I did not try at all that didn't help either. My rational mind would instantly flip and it frustrated me. I would try my darnedest but to no avail. In my attempts to "control" my temper I would find myself engulfed in guilt and misery, a kind that could easily justify ridding my children of myself (personally I don't think that suicide is the worst thing a person can do). Or worse I'd find myself justifying and/or rationalizing my unacceptable behavior. Fortunately for me I have been made aware that the trip to insanity is not usually an instant snap. Their are usually some warning signs and this can be one very obvious one.

In my opinion many deviant things that happen in this world are insanity and can only be explained as a result of some seriously out of whack chemistry that usually doesn't happen over night and is fed by a many things. Paying particular attention to the state of media in general and what is widely accepted as acceptable forms of entertainment. They are not inherently bad but people really ought to be aware of what they are feeding in there pursuit of higher profits. Media is really the exploitation of body chemistry as it "appeals" to our senses and arouses reactions that we crave. So the continual pushing of the line has lead to a paradigm shift in values and what is acceptable. We are ever closer as a whole to complete chaos and complete insanity. I am a bit more sensitive than many but I am also somewhat intelligent. I see the need for values being taught and people being respectful of those things that might feed our instinctive or imaginative desires, that can be referred to as the "natural man." I see the need for a higher power and good will for humanity. I see the need for people to recognize the connection and distinction of the body, mind and spirit. There really is a need for balance between these three entities of being.

The nature of the beast (mental illness) is ill and it will cause ill will if left unchecked. As a society we have a responsibility to have values and to both teach and respect those. It is up to each of us individually to recognize when we may be "off" and keep it in check. That can be accomplished through various and numerous methods but ill behavior should never be justified, rather treated. The sooner that we recognize and treat our own "symptoms" the more manageable our mental health will be and a better results of treatment are likely.
And may I emphasize that it is increasingly important that we withhold judgement on the individual but rather treat the "illness."

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Welcome to the otherside

Being a genius isn't all it's cracked up to be. Having a truly open mind can create a black hole of a void. Being divinely directed can be exhausting. And knowing you must be so responsible with the powers you posses can also wear on one. It is not so easy to maintain invincible and immortal. It is quite time consuming. So sometimes it is OK to take a mortality pill that may make you boring and average at best. Sometimes boring and average are quite refreshing. Sometimes life can be much more enjoyable lived well within "the limits."

Friday, October 9, 2009

a lovely boring day

Not been writing much. That is usually a good sign. Usually means I am feeling pretty "normal" and forgetting "all that."
Sometimes it is nice to be able to forget that my head may or may not be screwed on tight and that I may or may not be crazy or something close to it and that I may or may not be fully responsible for all my stupidity and insanity. So it is nice that I may or may not be "normal" but that lately I just don't care.
SO that brings me to my point of writing today.
I still feel a need to publish and post many other thoughts and crap but today I just feel kind of blah... and you know what I kind of liked it. It was like a down, depressed, kind of day where I just wanted to do nothing, waste time and sleep (and I did do those things) but it was calm. I just felt blah and I was able to just be. I lived today like I have eternity for everything else and it was nice. My head wasn't screaming or over active. The "voices" were easily identified and ignored. My kids were cute and pleasant even when they were driving me nuts or I was feeling a tinge guilty for laying down. My job was eventful but dull. But the sun warmed me a bit and I got to chase my son half way to school.
I want to sleep so much and so often that sometimes I think I might be dying. I doubt it but, whatever, I'm OK.
I am OK with my boring, down day that was not boring at all. It was nice to just feel blah and not much else. It was nice to make mistakes and have them be just that, a mistake, not the end of the world. It was really nice. What a lovely depressed day I had. (and that exclamation point totally does not fit with the kind of day it was, but I am leaving it, instead of deleting it, so that I can have to explain it because that is my boring humor today... but I really didn't like the way it looked when I read over this again so I deleted it anyway, but I am leaving the explanation now I feel a boring little laugh inside of me and I have a boring little smile... I guess I still might be crazy, oh well, crazy can be fun)